I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

[Namechanger20183110]

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee

He not je!

I'm so sorry you are going through this op.
Lockdown is hard for everyone and I can't imagine what it must be like having to ensure it with your husband.
For today I would ignore him the best you can.
I think you are going to have to hide food/lock food away.
What would h happen if you went for a solitary walk ?
Your dh would have to look after his own kids then.
Go out for your own sanity.
Come back and either pour yourself a large drink or make a cuppa.
Can you sit in your he garden with your dcs?
Don't clear up after your dh.
Leave the housework today.
Let your dc do messy activities in the garden , let them do whatever they want today. Try not to stress.
I seriously don't know how you have kept your cool.
I would not be tiptoing around dh from now on.
So what if the kids wake him up. Isn't that what millions of parents have to deal with.
I cannot believe how much he eats.
I cannot believe wfh means he needs daily solitude and can't even look after his own children.
What I am seeing on mn and indeed with my neighbour is how lazy and useless a lot for men are.
Christ how do they think most parents cope?
He has said he won't leave.
Make it less comfortable for him.
Let his sleep be disturbed.
Stop being a domestic doormat.
Start planting the seeds of how much better it might be for him to leave and find somewhere quiet to live.
You are far too soft op.
Years ago when my dc were little, I bought a 6 pack of pop.
I hardly ever drank fizzy pop. I only drink it if it's very hot and sunny and even rarely then.
Anyway the point of this is that dh and dcs drank their can.
I told them there was one each.
I told them the one left was mine and I would drink it when I chose.
It was in the garage.
One scorching hot day after I had mowed the lawn and been doing jobs, I went to get the can of pop, it had gone!
I went batshit.
I can't remember who had drunk it, probably dh, but let me tell you, nobody has ever drunk my can of pop again. Youngest dd still remembers the fall out.
Moral is you are being far too soft.

Ah, read the update. See a solictor once lockdown is over, see what the options are.

Oh and it isn't about a can of pop or a slice of bread or ham.
It's about being a selfish fuckwit.

Stop going to the shops to buy food - send him. When he realises how much it costs, how long shopping takes and how many times he has to go to keep stock of everything he eats maybe he'll calm it down. Make him put it all away when he gets home too. Let him put himself at risk by making multiple trips to the supermarket not you.

One of Pre-diabetes symptoms is excessive hunger due to insulin levels. Maybe that is part of the reason. Doesn’t excuse the rudeness. www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/prediabetes/symptoms-causes/syc-20355278

And his comments to you - that if you don't like it, you can leave - tell you everything about how he feels about you and your children.

Personally, I'd probably be going down the route of feeding him as much crap as I could in the hope of hastening his demise, but you sound a much nicer person than me.

There is no excuse for eating everyone else's share of food, non.
Diabetes does not make you a shit parent.

He sounds like a petulant child - especially with your update and him saying you can move out because he is happy.

The amount of food he put away last night seems like a binge, it looks like eating disordered behaviour. I just can't see how anyone can regularly eat that much in one sitting - especially in the middle of the night - for it to be anything else.

But it is interesting he leaves your child's snacks alone - which shows he has some control. Obviously he has no respect for you since he is happy to eat everything else in sight that you might also want.

I can see why you are so upset, this is really selfish behaviour.

Schadenfreud that has tickled me.

Are you sure 16 stone isn’t obese? He sounds like he has an eating disorder!!

He is 16 stone, so not obese

Unless he's 6"1 / 6"2 then he is actually obese.

Op he sounds lazy and selfish. What are getting from this relationship.

When you go shopping, only buy ingredients for the meals you cook for the two of you. He can get off his bum and buy his own snack stuff. He'll soon find out how stressful supermarket shopping is these days and how much money his obsession with food is costing

he replied that I can move out if im unhappy, reason being that he's not unhappy so he's not going to go

It really is all about him isn't it? He doesn't even pretend to care. Sorry OP

I also wonder if he’s really working all that time. I know it’s possible that people have a huge workload at the moment, but given his childcare history is it likely he’s just dicking around on the Internet and using “work” as an excuse?

He sounds disgusting. I would show him this thread to make him face up to his issues with food. I wouldn't be embarrassed about having to put locks on the cupboard he should be embarrassed.

what is the point in going nuclear? He's not going to respond to this measure and you'll just be left feeling awful at the end.

I would ignore what has happened and sit down and write up rules you want adhered to

clear up kitchen after use
don't eat food that isn't purchased by himself and leave him to do his own supermarket shopping from now on
make your own food and eat it...you keep increasing the meal size and he's still eating more snacks so this doesn't work. Make your own food and leave him to shop and cook for himself.

If he then doesn't like this new system he needs to contribute to a sensible suggestion of how to continue moving forward.

but until you take a stance and move away from pandering to him he owns change

to which he replied that I can move out if im unhappy, reason being that he's not unhappy so he's not going to go

Jesus Christ. The way he treats you and then he comes out with THIS shit? I’m genuinely angry on your behalf. You deserve so much better.

He definitely has a serious issue with appetitive and food. I'd have gone berserk by now & locked the food for me and the kids away from the fat greedy bastard. He needs help, but you need support not unacceptable behaviour from useless husband.

Schadenfreud that has tickled me

"Have Twixes, Will Slaughter" Emily

It seems like you’ve had conversation after conversation and he won’t change. You’ve said he’s always been like this. So what is it going to be? Continue living with a pig man who eats his children’s food and is putting his own needs over yours when it comes to food, doesn’t help with the kids and treats you as his own personal maid, or leave him to his own devices and you get a break without an extra overgrown man child to pick up after? You’re a single parent as it stands, and he is causing you no happiness it seems. I’d be looking at divorce after lockdown ends. In the meantime could you buy some small lockable cupboards / fridge for you and your children’s food?

That's not acceptable in my eyes. Leave the mess and wake him up. Tell him to tidy up after himself. Write a list of food you need and tell him that you've already been shopping so it's his turn to go now. I think by giving him the responsibility of tidying up and shopping, the less he"ll want to mindlessly consume snacks.

"I'm used to the lack of help with parenting, I'm on mat leave but prior to DS2 being born, I used to do pretty much everything for DS1 with a full time corporate job a lot more busier than his, which I will be returning to in a few months"
Why on earth did you have DC2?

It doesn't sound like you actually have much of a relationship anyway. He ignores your caring advice about his unhealthy eating, you sleep in separate rooms and you parent by yourself.

What do you get from being married to him?
What does he get from being married to you?

Personally, I wouldn't blow my top as I don't think it would achieve anything. I would have a calm talk about the state of your marriage and about all the issues with it. I would want a plan to resolve the issues otherwise I'd be ending the marriage. Life is too short to put up with that level of discontentment.

It sounds like am awful situation. Thr crux of the issue is he is being unreasonable which is affecting how you feel. You've communicated what you need to change in order for you to be happy and be able continue being a good mother and wife. He has chosen to ignore that.

I wouldn't blame you for leaving

Well, to be fair - in our house, DH tends to eat later than everyone else, and leaves washing up, with the idea that he will do it when he gets up, and sounds as if your DH was going to do it.

The constant eating though is a tough one - am sure that he is aware of his own weight, and doesn't see it as a problem, so raising it as an issue will probably not be effective. He needs to want to change his behaviour.

However, he needs to give you a break, as you are exhausted.