I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

[Namechanger20183110]

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee

Jesus Christ. He definitely has an unhealthy relationship with food. But I’d say you need to calm down and talk through it without blowing your top because that won’t achieve anything. Aside from that he sounds very selfish and I don’t think I could live with him!

I wouldnt wait for him to wake up ..

The mess is absolutely unacceptable, as is the lack of support with the kids.

The eating - could he be a compulsive eater? It sounds so extreme that it’s hard to tell if it’s selfish greediness or something more psychologically based that he’ll need a lot of help to change (and the will to do so).

OMG
Could he have an eating disorder? Maybe he makes himself sick after bingeing?
He doesn’t sound much of a partner tbh :(

I would blow my top! That’s ridiculous and so greedy. I couldn’t live with someone who would eat all of the food in the house leaving nothing for anyone else.

I would lose my shit. The eating thing I’m not sure you can do anything about. But he can fetch his own food from the supermarket and he can bloody clean up after himself. He needs to start sharing the load with the children right now- even when not working from home there’s no reason you should be doing EVERY night and EVERY bedtime and everything in general. You’re supposed to be a team so if he wants to stay on your team he needs to pull his weight. I’d be having very strong words and wanting to see some change or I’d be considering getting rid- at the moment he sounds like deadweight.

Oh you poor thing, no you're not being unreasonable at all. He's regressed, he's become a bloody great baby and you're looking after him, too. I hope someone comes along with some calm advice for you because I'd def blow up at him and that might not be the best thing. But not in the least bit unreasonable.

I think he sounds like he has some sort of eating disorder. He probably needs to see a psychotherapist.

I wouldn't blow your top but I would make him clear up and then sit and talk to him.

I’m afraid I don’t know what to suggest, OP, other than if my DH did this, it would make him deeply unattractive in my eyes.

Has he always eaten like this, or is it worse in lockdown? If always, how is he not more than 16 stone?!

It sounds like he has a mental health problem rather than just being greedy, but leaving everything in a mess is not ok and that's what is focus on until life returns to normal. I wouldn't blow your top, I would calmly take him to the kitchen and tell him he's clearing it up before he starts work.

What the actual fuck?

I am not sure if i am more horrified by the sheer amount of food, the selfishness of it or the fact that he has left such a fuckimg mess.

Got to be honest, I couldn't deal with this. I would be asking him to go elsewhere. I couldn't live with someone, who is so selfish. Its not like you can just nil and buy more food at the moment.

All that behaviour comes down to selfishness.

I couldn’t live with that greed. That’s not hunger, it’s a whole days worth of food on top of normal meals!

I don’t think you can change this. He clearly doesn’t give a shiny shit about the work it makes for you or the money. In fact it’s almost gleeful. Someone who knew they had a big appetite but cared about you might eg make a batch of flapjacks every now and then for snacking on, ask you to buy a box of value cereal with the shopping for their supper, have a couple of slices of bread and butter with dinner.

He doesn’t care and it’s like he’s rubbing your nose in it daring you to say something.

I’d go nuclear. Not at all unreasonable.

As soon as lockdown finishes I would ask him to move out. He is not listening to you. That is utterly ridiculous. If he carries on like that he’s not going to be around anyway.

I'm crying my eyes out, I'm so fed up with it. How can someone be so selfish and finish so much food when he knows I'm anxious about going out to supermarkets and spending unnecessary money. I plead with him about the health risks from his food choices and he just ignores it. How can he do that?

I'm used to the lack of help with parenting, I'm on mat leave but prior to DS2 being born, I used to do pretty much everything for DS1 with a full time corporate job a lot more busier than his, which I will be returning to in a few months

As others have said - several issues here:
-the mess; unacceptable, I’d be fuming
-not doing fair share of childcare and housework: same
-are you sure he is working all this time or hiding so he doesn’t have to help out?

Don’t shame him over the eating, it sounds like he has a serious issue. I say this as someone who also overeats a lot do compensate for other problems but wow this is a LOT OF FOOD. Definitely a problem he needs to tackle.
Also I hope you have not tidied the mess!!

1. wake the fucker up.
2. leave him with both kids while you go for a nice long walk to calm down.

Yeah, I’m with @billywilliamv; there’s no way I’d be waiting for him to wake up.

I think there are a whole host of issues here; my main gripe would be how little he appears to parent his own children. That seriously needs addressing.

Also, I most definitely would not be clearing up the mess he has left in the kitchen.

Whilst I understand your utter frustration, I think you need to have as calm a chat with him as you can and explain everything that absolutely needs to change. This sounds entirely unsustainable on all fronts. You deserve so much better.

I definitely wouldn't be clearing up after him!

I am sorry, but compulsive eater it not, he needs to get help if he really can't help it.

Not continue to eat them out of house and home.

That also doesn't account for the fact that rest of the behaviour is extremely selfish. The behaviour seems to be born out selfishness. Not an eating disorder.

You’ve got a lot going on here:-
His lack of help with the children.
His unhealthy relationship with food
His general selfishness and disregard for you.
I think you need to sit him down and say you cannot continue like this, you are at breaking point. He needs to change.

That’s insane. I think there’s two separate issues, his eating which seems disordered and the fact that he’s a shot husband and father. He’s not working all that time, guaranteed, he’s hiding away so he doesn’t have to do anything with the kids. Why the fuck are you doing bedtime all on your own when he’s home?! It’s time to get angry, make threats and mean them. Would your life actually be any harder as a single parent?

He’s taking the utter piss. We have a rule in our house. If you eat and make the mess then you clean up. We have another rule, whoever cooks doesn’t have to wash up. Is he tidying and washing up after you’ve cooked? If not, then that needs sorting. You’re not his slave! That level of mess is unacceptable. He’s taking you for a mug. Leaving condiments like that? Have you had that conversation with him? That you expect him to tidy up after himself? Also, as it’s a pandemic have the conversation that you expect him to replace the food he’s eaten. Maybe if he has to go to the shops to restock it might make him appreciate the effort and make him think about what he’s eating. Right now he’s like a teenager being constantly facilitated and being disrespectful. So I’d start by saying “things have to change. I’m not happy. The level of mess you’re leaving is not ok. I’m not your house slave but that’s how you’re treating me. I’m exhausted being up with the baby so I’d like you to take over the shopping for groceries as you are the one who eats the majority. Also from now on, there will be a rule that whatever you eat you have to clean up after yourself” god this should be the basics! Was he like this before you had kids?

And I would be buying a lockable box online and putting a small pack of your DS’s ham in it for his sandwiches, then putting it in the fridge.

If he came up to bed at 1am then he can't be that fussed about being tired for work, maybe if he did more to help or went to bed earlier then he'd have less empty hours to eat, it might be partly boredom. I sympathize, my DP eats what I thought was a huge amount but nowhere near that!