I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

[Namechanger20183110]

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee

He isn't catching up with work at the weekends, he's pissing about on his computer. Sounds like a lazy git who's bailed on you.

Ranting won't achieve anything though.

He sounds like he has an eating compulsion and needs professional help. That is a completely unnatural and disgusting amount of food to eat. In addition to having an eating disorder he is a poor excuse of a father and husband. What are your options op?

I think in an ideal world you need to get out, but I appreciate this is not the ideal time to do it. It doesn’t sound as though this is going to get better. I agree that talking this through calmly but firmly is likely to be better than going mad and yes he should definitely buy his own food and clear up after himself even if he has to take half a day flexible to do it. I would also stop buying ham completely and stop cooking, cleaning etc for him at all until he at least tries to improve. A warning though, I think you need to make plans to separate when you can as I think he is in a mess and you have to put your kids first.

Lessons learned from having a food obsessed, ASD, DS:
*Stop the huge meals. If his body is used to being full to bursting, that's the comforting sensation he'll associate with being 'full' & he'll seek it. Normal portions only but work your way down there, don't abruptly change.
*Don't buy crisps & other crap. If it isn't in the house he can't eat it. Same with the ham, just stop buying it until the cycle is broken. Keep the treats for your DS in the car boot if you must buy them.
*Pin the weeks menu on the fridge door. This seemed to reassure my DS that he wasn't going to starve & took some of the panic away. It also stopped him eating things I'd bought in for meals.
*Rice cakes are your friend.
*Get a soda stream. Soda water between meals helps.

I'm not saying the above are magic cures but they helped our situation & are worth a try.

Is he over 6ft? He is obese is he isn't (and even then, depending in his height, he's overweight - unless he's over 7ft.)

It does sound like he's a issue with food, getting up to eat that much could never be a healthy relationship with food.

The issue with food and the lack of cleaning up or caring for his own children are all seperate issues. You've a lot to contend with so it's understandable you feel upset and angry.

Blowing your top is rarely going to do any long term good (it's just venting you frustration, which is understandable.) Consider talking to him without the anger (well not all of it) tell him what you expect from him and the consequences of his not reaching those expectations.

Also for the record expecting him to not eat everything in the house, clean up after himself and care for his children are quite low expectations. It's not unreasonable to ask that.

For the food, can you have a separate box for all the kids food? I have a kallax unit in my lounge and one of the boxes I use to keep snacks in, crisps, biscuits etc and healthy snacks for my son. Then the fridge stuff could you put in a large Tupperware container labelled children's food? That would at least help him stay away from the food you need for the kids. It doesn't sound normal though, I'd go mental.

They’re really great tips Garlic and it must be really difficult for you with your son, but she’s not his mother and she shouldn’t have to ‘manage’ him like this.

You ideally need to get to the cause of his overeating.

No, she doesn't. This isn't her issue, it's his. Her job is not to fix him, not that she could even if she wanted as he's the only one who can work through his issues.

OP, it's up to you whether you leave him but I probably would in your place. In the meantime I'd do what other people have suggested about food - buy no snacks at all, only vegetables and stuff that needs to be prepped. No point buying anything else since it'll be gone in two days. And a locked box for stuff for the DC. If he asks for the key tell him it's for the kids. If he breaks the lock he has a bigger problem than you can address.

If you consider staying you should demand that he get help for his issues and do more around the house. I also would stop doing much since he undoes it so quickly (though it does mean living in a pigsty, but I'd lose all motivation to do anything - starting with his laundry. He can bloody well do it himself).

Do what works for you but I'd really consider leaving.

I don't believe he is working on Saturdays, he is doing that to avoid looking after his children.

It also sounds like he has an eating disorder.

Time to sit down, and discuss the future. You can not carry on like this.

1. He needs to do the food shopping from now on, maybe then he will realise how much he is consuming and how hard it is to keep up
2. he books an app with the GP regarding his eating issues, he sounds like he is comfort eating
3. Divide up the housework, print a timetable for him to do 50/50
4. He has to do Friday and Saturday night feeds, so you can catch up on sleep. No more 'working' at the weekends, it is putting a massive strain on your family life
5. Take it in turns on Saturday and Sunday to have a lie in

If he wants to continue to be part of the family, he needs to step up, this is what he has to do.

I am sorry it is so hard, you poor thing, I totally empathise. Foot needs to go down op. Best of luck.

How long ago was his diabetes warning? My husband used to be just like this, before diagnosis and a while after until his medication was looked at and he was given more support with it. I completely relate to the overeating, he used to wake at midnight and eat our girls Easter eggs or any bad for you food he could find. Any food I'd bought for family meals would be used as he was peckish.
A few years back, he got more support for the diabetes and his food consumption dropped considerably, whether it's a comfort eating thing or an actual physical symptom of diabetes I don't know but I think your husband may need to have another test for diabetes.

Is there somewhere else you can stay?

I agree with PPs - he’s opting out of parenting and family life.
Disordered eating or selfishness; unless he want’s to change - the results are the same.

Make steps to change things for yourself. If DH wants you and the family life he’ll come on board.

My stoner ex was like this. As soon as I went to bed he would attack the kitchen and eat all the kids food leaving wrappers, crumbs and mess everywhere.

Sit down and have a serious talk about it and stress that this is his last chance. If it happens again, you'll be buying a safe for the fridge and padlocks for the cupboards (I had to do this). Let him know that if it gets to that stage, you'll most likely have lost all respect for him by then and it will probably be the beginning of the end of your relationship. Unless he has an eating disorder, this is horrible selfish behaviour and you have my sympathies op.

I need to rtft. I've just read the opening post and thought. 'Wtf, I've never heard the like of it!'

But then I remembered something similar on here and came on it say I know you've posted here before.

What the hell?! Who does this? Going the rftf now.

No, she doesn't. This isn't her issue, it's his. Her job is not to fix him, not that she could even if she wanted as he's the only one who can work through his issues.

Thank god for that.

Op doesn't have to do this.

He is aware that this is causing her distress. He is aware she is unhappy and he is refusing to even try and mange it himself. Never mind tackling it by pursing help.

He is abusing her. He knows it causes her distress. Leaving the kitchen a tip, shows completely contempt of her and the work she is doing trying to keep them fed, the house clean and his kids looked after.

He doesnt even give a shit about his kids.

I have GAD, if I know that my mental health issues are causing my oaten distress, keeping ignoring their distress and just jeep doing things to fuck them and the kids over....its abuse.

He isn't working all those hours, he is just making you think he is busy to avoid doing his bit.

I’d take a slightly different approach. I’d go mad about the mess, I’d go mad about not helping with bedtime and not coming up till 1am and not taking his share of nights.

I’d leave the food thing completely, there’s clearly something disordered going on there and that will be tied up in shame and likely a fair chunk of self-loathing. If you raise the eating everything else will get lost.

As far as the eating goes as hard as it might be I’d leave it until this is all over, either the other stuff will be resolved and you’ll be in a better place to raise it, or you’ll ha e separated and it won’t be your issue any more.

Also start buying just very small packs of ham and freezing 2 or 3.

That's extreme greed unless there's something more to it. Side note he should help with the kids more don't put it all on your shoulders.

He is also increasing his risk of dying from coronavirus should he catch it, and given he has two very young children the very least he can do is try and reduce his risk as far as possible.

I hate to say this but this unreal and selfish attitude might be attributes that your children pick up too. I couldn't be with someone like him. I feel so sorry for you. I can feel your intensity of your frustration from your post. He's not going to change. Also just wondering, does he have worms?

I would usually say this is a good idea.
But this selfiah cunt will just eat the kids while they are all asleep.
Leaving a larger food bill.

Good point.
Perhaps a lock box in the fridge would do the trick.

OP have you been overseas recently? If his eating has gotten worse over time could it be something like a tapeworm? I'd send him to the doctors to check.

Yes I think you will have to separate out the fridge and the cupboards for the children’s food. I don’t think a lock on the fridge is realistic In a family home.

Is he shopping at all? He can go in the evenings after work. That would save you a job. Give him a list of what the children need.

As for the mess, he needs to clear that this morning.

I don’t see how you can go on much longer with his behaviour tbh not least because he is not doing any parenting.

I think you maybe off better splitting like you said. My worry would be his ways and food habits rubbing off onto the children.

Wake him up, tell him he needs to look after kids AND tidy up whilst you go for a walk or else you’ll kill him. He’s a useless lodger, not a dh.

I agree with PP that the extra 'work' is him hiding from his responsibilities. He's being incredibly selfish