I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

[Namechanger20183110]

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee

Don't you move out op. The children deserve to stay in their own home.

Why should she stop buying ham for her son because her husband will eat it all in one sitting?

He shouldn't have to suffer (yes it's not hardship, but he still goes without something fairly basic) because his dad can't control himself.

Definetly a box. Put everything in it. And don't buy any of his foods/treats. You all share the same.

Really extreme hunger is a symptom of prediabetes. It’s to do with insulin resistance - you keep eating and eating but your body can’t get the energy from the food and keeps telling you that you’re hungry.

That doesn’t excuse the mess and the lack of consideration and withdrawal from parenting in any way. But is a possible factor in the bingeing.

I agree with the poster who says confront him but leave the eating out of it for now. I know people with disordered eating, they know the health risks etc but still can’t stop.
Make him tidy up all the mess from last night. He can’t argue that’s your responsibility surely?
Could you buy less snack food? You and the kids probably wouldn’t miss it since it sounds like you don’t even get to eat much of it.
Would he feel bad if he ate all the ham and there was none left for anyone else? Or does he not care?

Weird angle but is he a weed smoker? Sounds like he’s having a joint after you go to be and then maybe gets munchies? If not then there’s definitely a food issue here

Why is everyone suggesting the OP moves out with her children to stay with someone else?

Quite apart from the lunacy of suggesting she moves out when it’s her DH whose behaviour is problematic, we are in lockdown! We can’t mix households!

Why is he not going food shopping?
What’s the house situation? Are you in rented or in a mortgaged property? I’m not sure your relationship can come back from this as there is so much wrong and it ultimately comes down to a lack of respect he has for you and your kids!
He is eating his sons food knowing full well you need to go out shopping when you don’t feel safe to do so, he spends no time with the kids, doesn’t clean up after himself and you aren’t sharing the same bed. What does he actually bring to the family dynamic?

We can’t mix households

You are allowed to move out for cooling off, it has to be days though and not a cup of tea amount of time

It seems like you're used to doing everything op, if you did all the childcare for your first child and all the housework. He doesn't seem like a good husband really even if he does have an eating disorder

Quite apart from the lunacy of suggesting she moves out when it’s her DH whose behaviour is problematic, we are in lockdown! We can’t mix households!
There are plenty of exceptions to this rule. Including calming off after an argument and leaving an abusive partner.

Wake the fucker up and tell him that the time he’s gained by not commuting is his to use for shopping and meal planning for the entire family. Then tell him to clear up after himself and entertain the kids while you go out for a (very long) walk. Whether this is medical or pure selfishness, don’t enable the fucker.

I'm sure your son will manage without ham. Just don't buy any

Why on earth should other members of the family miss out on something they like though?

What the fuck does he bring to this partnership OP?

Would you be better off single? It sounds like you do everything AND then have to look after this massive selfish lazy greedy cunt.

As an aside, when I was on mat leave DH did 50% of nights even though he was at work (in a challenging corporate role) because he recognised that looking after a baby was just as hard physically, mentally and emotionally as his day job.

He brings nothing to the household OP. Kick this third child out and make it clear he has the kids equally. Nothing could scare a man like this more than the two words : parental responsibility.

"I'd tell him he's got to go on a normal human's rations or up his physical activity to match the food he's eating,"

You can't out exercise diabetes or other issues over consumption of carbs brings.

OP, did he want a second child? Is he actually wanting you to leave? I've known cowardly men to behave so badly because they don't want be the one to bring things to an end. Or does he just think he's got you were he wants you because you've got two children?

Nothings changed, he's always been like this, so of course he isn't taking you seriously because you've always put up with it. But it's on the second child that women usually snap. Being a single parent (which in effect you are) is a lot tougher with two.

I think your marriage has come to an end, it's now about how you move on.

Don't leave the children with him unless you know absolutely that they will be safe. No one of a healthy mind behaves like he does and if he thinks that you are going to leave, he will spiral.

Treacletoots, you can't force a person to be a parent.

That is a phenomenal amount of food to hoovering up on top of large meals. I’m with you, how the hell is he only 16 stone?
He surely has a binge eating disorder. You’re quite right that his health will suffer. So. Much. Ham.

Also taken aback at you sleeping in another room so he’s not disturbed by the baby monitor...he’s a fucking father and that comes with the territory. He’s not being hard done to and does not need to be spared.

For your fridge door OP. Good luck he sounds like very hard work.

Reading this reminds me of my dss(20). From the age of about 14 he would binge eat, in fact not just binge eat (that was mainly at night like your ds) but eat all day long. He also was massively disrespectful and would leave a mess and also disturb us in the night when he came down to make his mammoth snacks. He doesn’t live with us now thank goodness but the stress of the amount of food he ate alone was enough to nearly give me a nervous breakdown - so I sympathise and understand totally OP. Myself and dh having a go would fall on deaf ears and he just took to being more secretive about it. He definitely has a problem with food and is very overweight but refuses to do anything about it. This as I say though is my dh’s son I’m talking about and he’s young. I fear he too will face the repercussions with his health, like diabetes etc, when he’s older. I started hiding food in the garage and put a lock on the door which helped slightly.
As for your dh I would just stop buying all his favourite stuff and tell him he needs to go get it himself. Perhaps when he has to make the physical effort to go buy his food, he’ll think about how much he’s consuming rather than it just being there?

Your dh just sounds very disrespectful of you in general. To leave the mess is just an absolute piss take when you have a young baby and toddler to look after. He sounds like he wants to live the life of a student.

I couldn’t be with someone like this Op, honestly - just the few years of dealing with dss acting like this was enough to nearly give me a nervous breakdown - but I knew he’d be leaving home eventually and there was an end in sight - how you can take it from your dh, who should be your partner and a support for you at what must be a very tiring and particularly stressful time with babies during lockdown, I just don’t know.

He just sounds like he doesn’t give a shit. And I do think you need to get tough and stop enabling him.
Stop cleaning up his mess.
Stop buying his food.
Tell him he needs to do bedtime/bath time every other night otherwise you won’t be cooking for him/doing his laundry etc.
Start going for a walk/run a few times a week and leave the dc’s with him. Don’t let him use the excuse he’s working - he can’t be working all the time, that’s bollocks.

Tell him you are thinking of leaving if things don’t change and make a clear plan of what you want to happen. Then stick to it.

Does he know how much the shopping costs? I am just wondering because if he doesn’t do it himself and it just appears via the food fairy I’m thinking maybe he doesn’t realise - do you think if he did the shopping himself it might change things? (Probably not but clutching at straws!!)

A lot of people do eat like this. My dh does. I do- well I would if I didn’t stop myself. My dc would if I let them. Mumsnet is always horrified when people say they eat like this and come out with the whole “that person must be hugely obese” type stuff but actually it’s not always true. It is dreadful to eat so much rubbish but lots of people - who are a perfectly normal size- do eat a LOT. My own Mum who was a size 12 and 5ft 8 would always eat a huge dinner and then sit and eat a multipack of crisps and then a huge pack of ham - every night! Washed down with about 4 cans of coke.

The issue here is that he’s selfishly eating things you need for the kids and he’s leaving stuff in a mess. That’s not on. At all. I would wake him up and make him clean up and then send him to the shops!

That sounds like a very disordered relationship with food. I agree it’s unsustainable, and it’s so selfish of him to leave the mess for you to clean up.

I wouldn’t blow my top because he will just get defensive, but I wonder if he would be open to the idea of speaking to a therapist who specialises in eating disorders? What he is doing is well beyond greed, it actually sounds compulsive. It really sounds like he needs help (but he has to be willing to accept that, and that might be a problem).

Omg why isn’t he doing the shopping?!

That’s actually outrageous.

Most employers are making allowances wrt childcare, as he should know. Bollocks is he working Saturdays.

Thanks for all of your advice , but the truth is, I have tried all these things (apart from the locks - as I just can't bring myself to deal with the embarassment when I have to explain to visiting family members why I have padlocks on my cupboards).

I've stopped buying snacks - but then that means I miss out when I have no problems controlling my snacks. If I buy snacks for myself, I have to hide them, which I did do for a bit, but then he just went out and bought his own. I've put DS's snacks in a Tupperware box and he hasn't touched those

Sending him shopping unfortunately is not a solution, as when he goes he buys a stupid insane amount of reduced crap , which is then an excuse to binge eat it all - "oh look, it's going out of date", he also regularly doesn't bring back items on the list and says Tesco didn't have them, which happens more frequently than when I go shopping. I don't want him to go now during this pandemic as his hand washing skills are rubbish, he doesn't watch the news about covid (a whole different rant, basically I take on the mental load of staying informed about the virus risks as well) and I don't trust that he social distances properly as I have seen him on the front drive when talking to neighbours. He can get ill if he wants but there's no way I'm risking him bringing the virus back to me and the kids.

I've had it out with him. He came downstairs and went straight into the kitchen to tackle the mountain of pots. I went in there to prepare DS's breakfast with a face like thunder admittedly and he had the audacity to ask.. "bad night?". I'm sorry to say that I replied with "what do you fucking think".

I then had a huge go at him about his greed, selfishness and disrespect. Again, I have said that we need to take a long hard look at whether we can continue to stay married as I can't bear to be with him, to which he replied that I can move out if im unhappy, reason being that he's not unhappy so he's not going to go - my response to that was "of course you're fucking happy, you've got an easy life, a tolerant wife and 2 kids that you don't have to parent, why would you want to leave".

Then DS came into the kitchen so we stopped, and I'm now ignoring him. I'm so upset with him that there is no way I'm letting him off the hook.

His diabetes warning was at Christmas time, the doctor said that he wasn't diabetic yet but was close to it and that he would be invited to attend some classes type thing at the surgery for help on how to control it, which never got off the ground because of the pandemic .

I have warned him about his risk to covid. We are BAME too so even more of a threat, but no, makes no difference.

Thank you for all the advice. I may need to put up with it for the moment, but long term? No. it's just a a case of when, not if. I would much rather be a single parent.
Unfortunately I can't move to my parents at the mo as my dad is classed as vulnerable , and it wouldn't be fair on them

It's impossible to judge if your DH has an eating disorder or not (if he does, I'm surprised he's so open about it because they tend to thrive on shame and secrecy). But either way, his behaviour isn't acceptable because it's having a very significant impact on you and your children. My DH is working long hours (7am - midnight) and at the weekend as he is very busy right now. He still manages to parent.

I would be worried about his eating and insisting he sees his gp. Overeating is one thing but what you describe is something else. He should be piling on the pounds if he is as bad as you say. There may be an underlying cause. For now stop overfeeding him at meal times if he is going to snack anyway.

If you are worried about the link between processed red meat and cancer stop buying it (and giving it to your son),

There is no excuse for him not getting involved with the kids. Yes, when he is working he needs to shut himself away but he should/could be giving you a break at lunchtime and definitely afterwork - getting involved in bedtimes. Have you talked about this separately to the other issues. There is also no excuse for making a big mess. Even if he didn’t wash up before bed, he could wipe surfaces and stack pots and put wrappers in the bin! Then wash up in the morning before work. Should also help on weekends even if he works some of the time there are many hours when he isn’t.

How did you come to have a second child? I am always amazed by people having a number of kids when the dad isn’t bothered about the first. Is he trying to piss you off? Does he want to separate? Do you spend any time together? Do you go out as a family? Is he miserable too?

Things are amplified in lockdown but I am not surprised you are massively fed up. What do you like about him? Once you lose respect for your partner it is only a matter of time before it is over. Talk calmly and tell him what you need. Good luck.