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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about DD’s age gap relationship

101 replies

Bellovbn · 06/05/2020 10:49

DD (26) lives in London but has been staying with us since lockdown to be away from the city. Over the last few weeks I’ve overheard video calls from her room most days with a male. DD has today told DH and I that she is in a relationship with with a 40 year old man who she met through work. They’ve been together for a few months...apparently DD hadn’t told us because it was still early days but prior to lockdown they had been seeing each other very regularly. Apparently this man has no children, has never been married and owns his own apartment nearby to where DD is renting. I have tried my very best to sound happy for her, but I can’t help but feel concerned. It sounds as though this man is head over heels in love with her and DD sounds just as smitten. I can’t help but feel that they are at two totally different stages in their lives and surely don’t have anything in common which could carry their relationship through in the long term. A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment. I’d hate the idea of DD being strung along for years with a man who is wasting her time and who, due to the age gap, she will eventually be left to care for when she is still young enough to be enjoying her life.

AIBU in being concerned? DH says I should keep my thoughts to myself but I feel compelled as a mother to raise my concerns with DD as I feel she may be making a mistake :(

OP posts:
PamwichShilling · 06/05/2020 10:59

Yabu. She's 26, not a teenager and 14 years older at her age isn't that big an age gap.
You've never met him and don't know much about him, I think you're making a lot of assumptions based upon his age.
If your dd seems happy and you're only concern is the age gap then I don't think there's anything to worry about.

Bienentrinkwasser · 06/05/2020 11:00

My grandparents have a 14 year age gap and have been happily married for 60 years. It can work.

dontdisturbmenow · 06/05/2020 11:02

You sounds very judgmental and stereotyped minded whilst grafting your adult daughter like your possession.

BillHadersNewWife · 06/05/2020 11:04

My brother didn't meet his wife until he was 43. He is completely normal.... just hadn't met the right person.

TheRoyallingStones · 06/05/2020 11:06

YABU

She’s an adult and you’re leaping to conclusions about him and their relationship based solely on his age.

Unless you have actual concerns about this particular 40 year old or your daughter is unusually vulnerable then back off. Tbh even if you have concerns all you can do is advise and then back off and just support her.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/05/2020 11:08

If she was 18 and with this age gap I'd be worried, as a large age gap when you're still very young can (not always!) be a sign of the older one being controlling as they tend to pick on younger partners who aren't yet strong enough to tell them to fuck off or spot the signs that it isnt a healthy relationship. At 26 I think it's a lot less likely there is going to be an unhealthy dynamic. The biggest issues will be lack of things in common and him aging before her (as in 20 years she will still be 'young' but he might be looking to retire). I am sure she will be aware of these issues though and there isnt much you can do, you cant exactly forbid them to speak to each other and if the relationship is new ita jumping the gun a bit to start talking about difficulties in having children when you're older or what's going to happen in 25 years etc.

The most you can do is ask gentle questions eg have your friends met him, what do they think of him etc. Say you're looking forward to meeting him and invite him round after lockdown etc. Much better to have him onside so she doesn't feel like she needs to choose between you, and keep her close so she confides in you about any problems etc

Reginabambina · 06/05/2020 11:09

40 in London isn’t that unusual to be unmarried and childless. I’m in a relationship with a similar age gap. I’m very happy with my choice. I do sometimes feel a bit sad that I’ll likely loose my husband while I’m still young but equally I could die first through some freak accident or tragic illness. To be blunt at her age it’s not really your place to judge her relationship decisions and I doubt she’d be pleased if you presumed to ‘raise concerns’. All normal people are fully capable of understanding everything you’ve pointed out at her age, it would just offend her if you patronised her this way.

DollyDoneMore · 06/05/2020 11:09

If she was 18 and he was 50, I would be far more concerned.

26 and 40? None of your business.

cookiesandcream27 · 06/05/2020 11:12

I'm in a similar age gap relationship and it works. Age is just a number.

What exactly is it that you're worried about?

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 06/05/2020 11:12

Well I can see why she has moved away.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/05/2020 11:14

Also if he had had a previous marriage or long term serious relationship he would probably have children which would bring a whole new set of complications

firstimemamma · 06/05/2020 11:14

I can see both sides. It is a big age gap but then again she's an adult and can make her own decisions. I definitely wouldn't try to say something to stop her as it is her choice after all.

There was a 20 year age gap between Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee and they were married for nearly 30 years. Also several other age gap success stories on this thread I've noticed.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 06/05/2020 11:15

26 and 40 isn’t really age gap love.

Your daughter is a grown woman, she can decide who she want to date. It’s really none of mummy’s business.

Your dh is right keep your nasty little opinion to yourself

Then me and DH have an age gap bigger than that. He had never got married or had children until he met me, we are now married with 3 dc. He’d just not met anyone he wanted all that with, to me that’s better than some bloke that’s divorced and has dc he barely sees 🤷🏻‍♀️ A man with minimal baggage is a good deal imo

helpfulperson · 06/05/2020 11:15

Why does it have to be long term? Very few relationships are. It may work out it may not but it sounds like for now they are both happy.

TheFlis12345 · 06/05/2020 11:16

I know several guys close to 40 who have never married, but would love to, they just haven’t found the right person yet. A lot of people in London focus on career in their 20’s and early 30’s.

Maybelatte · 06/05/2020 11:18

She's 26, not a baby and 14 years isn't a hugely substantial gap.

SimonJT · 06/05/2020 11:20

A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment
Why does it?

It’s only 14 years, hardly a big deal. Why do you need things in common? People who have a relationship with someone who has grown up elsewhere have little in common, it doesn’t matter.

SugarOrSweetenerWithTheTea · 06/05/2020 11:21

YABU, 14 years between myself & OH, I was 18 and he was 32 when we got together. A 26 year old can make her own decisions

ErickBroch · 06/05/2020 11:22

It most likely will not last to marriage stage anyway - but she is 26! I am the same age. There is nothing wrong with it and she can make her own decision. It will likely fizzle out so I wouldn't say anything.

At 20 I dated someone who was 30 for 6 months, I am sure my mum wasn't too pleased but she never said anything as she knew it wouldn't last and she was right.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/05/2020 11:22

It’s not as bad an age gap as I thought from the title to your post

I can understand why you are concerned but I think speaking to her about him would do more harm than good.
I’d be more inclined to want to meet him so you can assess what he is really like. Not possible now I know but in the meantime let her know you are happy that she is happy and that you support and trust her to make good decisions for herself. If she confides in you and you can see genuine red flags then you could gently discuss that with her. But focus on proceeding with caution. She is more likely to listen to what you gave to say if she doesn’t feel judged

BilboBercow · 06/05/2020 11:23

You can feel however you like but she's an adult and she won't thank you for telling her. Maybe at 40 he's now feeling it's time to settle down and has met your daughter at just the right time? 14 years really isn't massively unheard of.
Had she been several years younger I'd agree but can't really get worked up about it.

shinynewapple2020 · 06/05/2020 11:23

To be fair OP I don't think that 26 and 40 is too bad an age group

You are not unreasonable to have concerns as to whether any relationship your daughter has is the right one for her, but you would be unreasonable to let any concerns you may have privately impact on any interactions you may have with your DD and her BF .

Bite your tongue until you have met him.

Sometimes I think with an age difference like this there can be inappropriate control in the relationship but this is a complete unknown at the moment.

JonnyPocketRocket · 06/05/2020 11:25

I had a wonderful, healthy relationship at almost exactly those ages with a guy who'd never married or had kids. It didn't work out long-term for logistical reasons unrelated to our ages, but we parted amicably - if reluctantly - and I still look back fondly on our time together. Recently I asked my mum, if I hadn't married DH (who she adores), was there anyone else over the years who she'd hoped at the time that I'd end up with, and she said "well there was (name of 40yo)..."
I wouldn't worry OP. 26 is old enough to know what is and isn't important to you in a relationship.

SerenDippitty · 06/05/2020 11:27

YABU. It may not be ideal from your point of view but she is old enough to know what she’s doing..

StylishDuck · 06/05/2020 11:28

Really not unusual and definitely not your business to worry about. Your DD is an adult in a relationship with another adult. Nothing to see here.