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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about DD’s age gap relationship

101 replies

Bellovbn · 06/05/2020 10:49

DD (26) lives in London but has been staying with us since lockdown to be away from the city. Over the last few weeks I’ve overheard video calls from her room most days with a male. DD has today told DH and I that she is in a relationship with with a 40 year old man who she met through work. They’ve been together for a few months...apparently DD hadn’t told us because it was still early days but prior to lockdown they had been seeing each other very regularly. Apparently this man has no children, has never been married and owns his own apartment nearby to where DD is renting. I have tried my very best to sound happy for her, but I can’t help but feel concerned. It sounds as though this man is head over heels in love with her and DD sounds just as smitten. I can’t help but feel that they are at two totally different stages in their lives and surely don’t have anything in common which could carry their relationship through in the long term. A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment. I’d hate the idea of DD being strung along for years with a man who is wasting her time and who, due to the age gap, she will eventually be left to care for when she is still young enough to be enjoying her life.

AIBU in being concerned? DH says I should keep my thoughts to myself but I feel compelled as a mother to raise my concerns with DD as I feel she may be making a mistake :(

OP posts:

ChelseaCat · 06/05/2020 11:28

Sorry OP - none of your business

SerenDippitty · 06/05/2020 11:30

A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment.

Would you say this about a 40 year old woman? If not it is sexist.

My DH of 30 years was 39 when I met him. He had never been married or had children..

notangelinajolie · 06/05/2020 11:34

I don't think it matters too much at their ages but the difference in age could become more apparent when the older partner grows old.
I think you'd be wise to be happy for her and let her decide if he is the right man for her.

Alicemovedtothecity · 06/05/2020 11:35

When I read the title I thought this was going to be a young girl under 20 you was talking about not a 26 year old woman who lives away from home by the sounds of it and has a job!

Honestly don’t get involved, your daughter is old enough to know what she wants and make her own choices.
Keep your worries to yourself and be supportive. You never know he could be a lovely bloke who just got to 40 and hasn’t found the one! Dare i say it you might actually like him!

Laserbird16 · 06/05/2020 11:35

Wow that escalated quickly. She'll be caring for him in his dotage?

Maybe loosen the grip you've got on your pearls and tighten the one on your sanity?

Your adult daughter can date who she pleases. Forty isn't a ridiculous age to be unmarried.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 06/05/2020 11:36

Not unusual. She’s an adult - leave her to it.

I have a 45 yr old male friend who is single and has never been married. He has had a few long term relationships (over 5 years) that didn’t work out for different reasons. Just because this guy is single doesn’t mean he can’t commit or has issues.

summerfruitssquash · 06/05/2020 11:38

Jesus I know AIBU is renowned for vipers but some people can be so rude!
OP, I think your thoughts are justified but ultimately she will just do it anyway so all your concerns are likely to achieve is animosity.
14 years isn’t too bad in my opinion, but best to let her work out things for herself given her age

CD41 · 06/05/2020 11:38

YABU. I am 28, my partner is 40. I was 20 and he was 33 when we met. I really don’t think 26 and 40 is too bad. I get the concerns about him not being married or having kids before but these days people are waiting longer and longer to settle. It’s not unusual.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/05/2020 11:39

A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment

Lordy YES! Everyone over 30 should have a ring on their finger and at least one child to show that they are worthy human beings!

vikingwife · 06/05/2020 11:39

Please please please do not interfere with her relationship. You don’t know what’s best for her & she is a grown adult now. Please do not worry about managing your daughter’s love life. My mother did this & I resent her deeply for her judgements & controlling nature when it came to my personal life. We need to allow people to make their own mistakes & dating choices. If he is nice & makes her happy that is important.

lockdownlowdown · 06/05/2020 11:47

He'll probably treat her better than most men her own age tbh. Better to be an old man's darling than a young man's fool as they say. There's ten years between me and my dh. Admittedly it's very few men get to 40 with no kids or marriage but I'd keep an open mind

Userwhatevernumber · 06/05/2020 11:48

A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment

Sorry OP but you lost my sympathy with this line. YABU. Would you say that for a 40 year old woman? Bring single at 40 does not scream lack of commitment at all.

Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily · 06/05/2020 11:49

There is a 25 year gap between me and my husband. What makes you think we wouldn't have anything in common? In comparison to my previous relationships it has been drastically better, more mature, he treats me with an equal amount of respect to any one of his own age. Extra bonus no stupid video games or other childish tendancies, that are common in younger men these days. I'm the happiest I have ever been. It might not last but it also might and could be the best relationship she has, let her experience what she wants (within reason).

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/05/2020 11:54

I'd be more concerned about them being at different stages in life if he had children already and didn't want any more and had been married and didn't want to get married again. Although there is quite a big age gap, it doesn't really sound like they are so far apart, assuming they both have the same goals if this were to continue re: kids and marriage.

My ex husband had an affair with someone with a similar age gap and everyone knew that was destined to fail because she hadn't done the kids/marriage thing yet but he had and was over that stage of his life. It did fail.

My cousin married a man almost 20 years older than her. She has always been old for her age and neither of them wanted children. They have been happily married for 11 years now.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/05/2020 11:57

A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment

Also, I'd be more wary of a 40 year old who has been married at least once before indicating a lack of commitment! He might not have found the right person yet and doesn't want to settle down until he does. Which is better than marrying and having kids with someone for the sake of it.

PenCreed · 06/05/2020 11:58

Like Bluebell said, just because he's not been married doesn't mean he hasn't had long-term relationships. I have more than one male friend in their mid-40s, who have had several serious girlfriends but for various reasons those relationships haven't worked out. At least one of those wanted to marry his last girlfriend (it was her that broke it off), they're great guys and would be brilliant long-term partners. Not everyone meets the right person when they're in their 20s!

I think the question about whether he's met her friends is a big one - if they like him then that's positive. My friends met my now DH way before my parents did (I live far away from my parents), and if my friends hadn't liked him then he likely wouldn't have made it to meeting my parents!

CrystalTipped · 06/05/2020 11:59

Well I can see why she has moved away.

I know, caring parents who want the best for their children are just the worst.

Quartz2208 · 06/05/2020 11:59

My Aunt and Uncle would have been similar ages except he has a failed engagement and marriage behind him! They have been happily together for 25 years now with 2 children and they work.

She was able to stay at home when she wanted to with the children when he did his career and now he has retired and she is going ahead in her career when he looks after the children. And they are happy

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 06/05/2020 12:00

I met DH when I was 27. He is twenty years older. We’ve been together twenty years, married ten, two teenagers, happier than ever. As for the looking after him when he’s older, apart from the fact he’s very fit and healthy, I’ve developed two auto immune conditions over the last twenty years. He very much looks after me, the children, the household and the family economy on the many occasions I am unable to.

SchrodingersKitty · 06/05/2020 12:01

I have a 15 year age gap with DH. We got together when he was 45 and I was 30, and married 5 years later. Have one son, currently 20. DH has three older children (in their 40s).

I see this from both sides. DS was born when DH was 50, and I have always worried about DH's age from that point of view. I used to calculate that the chances were that he'd live long enough to see DS grow up and that that was ok. Turns out I was exactly right - he has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 71. DS at 20 is not really old enough to go through the death of his father. I wish that at 55 I was not contemplating caring and then widowhood. It is what it is and I don't regret the years we have had together and definitely not DS. But even without the terminal diagnosis, DH has been retired for a few years (he first got cancer straight after retiring), and I have been continuing to commute and work in a senior role and we are therefore at very different life stages.

We've had a good 25 years together, and it may be that a relationship with someone closer to my age would have ended by now anyway, but I doubt that I'll have another relationship now, and it is a long time to contemplate being alone.

I don't think there's much you can do about your daughter's relationship, and I agree with PP that at her age it is unlikely to last, but I do think there are draw-backs to big age-gap relationships.

Weallhavevalidopinions · 06/05/2020 12:03

Maybe he has never met the right person until now.

They are both grown adults; their choice not yours. You cannot 'control' your daughters relationships.

YABU

cologne4711 · 06/05/2020 12:04

Nothing wrong with being 40 and single, it doesn't scream lack of commitment.

And he hasn't grown up with online porn in the same way guys of her own age have, which has to be an advantage in the way he'll treat her.

And if she's 26 she's quite likely to move on anyway. Don't start putting a ring on her finger already - it may just be a few months of fun and not being able to see each other at the moment may make it fizzle out, it may do the opposite. Wait and see and then worry, if you don't like him when you meet him. But keep an open mind, age is just a number.

Jojobar · 06/05/2020 12:05

if she was a teenager I could understand it. Or if she was quite young for her age - in my early 20s I ended up in a relationship with someone senior to me at work who was in their late 40s. The age wasn't an issue so much as the work issue, and the fact I was quite naive (which he knew and used to his advantage).

I could also see you might be concerned if he had children, had been through a messy break up, ExW in the background that kind of thing.

But if she's an average 26yo and he's unmarried/ no kids and not her boss, I really wouldn't worry.

Stingeray · 06/05/2020 12:07

Agree with others that the age gap seems fine.

Not a popular opinion but I do agree that there is usually a reason for being single at 40. I was dating in my late 30s and there was always a reason that a man my age or older was single. Not always a red flag reason but usually an explanation other than 'just hasn't met the right person yet'. I myself had my 'reason' for being single. He might have been in a very long term relationship that ended, he might have had self esteem, health or weight issues, he might be a player who isnt interested in commitment, he might be jealous/insecure.... you just don't know. Be happy for DD and let her make her own decisions.

MashedSpud · 06/05/2020 12:10

If your dd was your 26 year old son and dating a 40 year old woman the reaction wouldn’t be as supportive but for some reason on mn people are more accepting the other way round.

I wouldn’t be pleased either but don’t mention your concerns or she’ll just fight harder to make it work. Be there for her and hopefully it’ll fizzle out over time.

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