To be concerned about DD’s age gap relationship

[Bellovbn]

DD (26) lives in London but has been staying with us since lockdown to be away from the city. Over the last few weeks I’ve overheard video calls from her room most days with a male. DD has today told DH and I that she is in a relationship with with a 40 year old man who she met through work. They’ve been together for a few months...apparently DD hadn’t told us because it was still early days but prior to lockdown they had been seeing each other very regularly. Apparently this man has no children, has never been married and owns his own apartment nearby to where DD is renting. I have tried my very best to sound happy for her, but I can’t help but feel concerned. It sounds as though this man is head over heels in love with her and DD sounds just as smitten. I can’t help but feel that they are at two totally different stages in their lives and surely don’t have anything in common which could carry their relationship through in the long term. A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment. I’d hate the idea of DD being strung along for years with a man who is wasting her time and who, due to the age gap, she will eventually be left to care for when she is still young enough to be enjoying her life.

AIBU in being concerned? DH says I should keep my thoughts to myself but I feel compelled as a mother to raise my concerns with DD as I feel she may be making a mistake :(

My parents have a 13.5 yr age gap. Mum was 21 when they married. They have just celebrated their Golden wedding.

People with age-gap relationships are generally fine until the older person (usually man) hits around 70, and then the partner is so often the carer. I think SchrodingersKitty really makes a good point. My DM was in a similar position.

I met my husband when I was 27 and he was 45. We've been together 9 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I have two adult stepchildren. It's been fine, although of course I accept I could well outlive him by many years. Then again, I could have married someone my own age and there's no guarantee they'd live to an old age with me either.

I understand your concerns but the important thing is if he's a good man who loves your daughter, and they are both happy.

My friend married a guy 16 years older than her. They started dating when she was 28, married at 30. He had never married because he was concentrating on his career, spent his younger years splitting his time between various countries. He doesn’t look his age, is extremely fit and full of energy. He is a fantastic husband and father, he is at the top of his career which means his work is more flexible. He is fully committed to her and their children. When they first got together we did question the age gap but when they were together they just seemed to suit each other.

I think it’s okay. I wouldn’t do it myself but Dsis is about 16 years younger than her DH and they are v happy together (he’d never been married before). I also know a couple with an even bigger gap and they seem to get on very well. It definitely can work. 26 isn’t too young to know your own mind and 40 isn’t ancient these days

I don't think it is unreasonable to be a bit concerned, the age gap isn't that bad but it isn't ideal. Don't judge just based on age though.

He could be a player with commitment issues. He could be a really nice guy who will treat your dd really well. You just don't know.

The bottom line is, you must keep your concerns to yourself. Your dd is old enough to know what she wants and young enough to move on easily if she decides that isn't him. Already she hasn't told you about a relationship of several months standing, and that may be because she doesn't want any interference or disapproval. So don't show any and hopefully she will confide in you more. That way if any real red flags do appear at least you will be more likely to know.

being nosy thinking of your dd's financial security, where in London is his flat roughly? How big is it?

I met DH when I was 35 and he was 47. We've been married 16 years and have two DCs. YABVVVVU.

I don't think that's that big to be honest. Not at their ages - it's not as if she's just turned twenty.

I knew a couple who had a 25 year age gap - the younger one died at 62 when the older one was 87. So it doesn't always go the way you might expect.

I think the age gap is big, but I wouldn't consider it crazy considering she's a "proper" adult, one assumes she's working and independent etc. If she was 18 and he was 30 it would be different.

I'd also argue that a 40 year old man or woman who hasn't been married etc is not a lack of commitment but more likely not finding the right person. Or not being ready. I know a man whose first serious long term relationship was in his 50s. They've now been married nearly 20 years. The difference is that he never wanted children and was, in a way, "old before his time" so he didn't find a woman who was compatible until later. She was younger than him when they got together, but not by that much, and had been previously married but no children.

I got married in my early 30s but DH is the only serious long term relationship I've had. I think when I was younger I didn't really feel comfortable with relationships that weren't going anywhere and wasn't willing to make the compromises necessary for a relationship. When that changed, I dated a bit more seriously, met DH in time and here we are, 15 odd years later.

My point is that I don't think it's weird. I think that people who are out of school/uni, working and independent can connect with other people with huge age differences if they're in a similar places to each other. One of my closest friends is a woman nearly 10 years older than me. When I was 21 and she was 31 there's no way we could have become friends. But now we're just two women, with similar careers, long term goals etc.

Love how it's fine for women to be single at 40, they just haven't found the right person yet... but if a man is, there must be a reason!

If it where my DD I would step well back and let them get on with their relationship,at 40 he has perfected his career I would imagine and is secure in his life.
Keep your thoughts to your self she will tell you all about it in her own time,has no one told you that 40 is the new 30.

I tend to think that it's the age of the people in a couple and not the age gap itself that's important. If she was 16 and he was 30 I would be unhappy about it (I had a relationship with a 30 year old at 16 and my mum was very very unhappy about it!) But 26 - 40 I wouldn't mind. The main issue with age gaps is that the younger party will be much more immature and naive, and possibly less well off financially, than the older party leading to them being taken advantage of or holding less power in the relationship. Unless she's unusually immature for her age I wouldn't have thought that would be a big risk at 26. My uncle married a woman 15 years older than him when he was in his 30s and they've had a beautiful life together. So I have nothing against age gap relationships, but it's worth being alert to any assymetrical power dynamics.

Wind them up, watch them go...

If they are keeping the relationship going whilst at a distance, rather than relying on proximity of workplace/home & early-days hot sex to stoke the momentum, then the odds are their that future relationship is built upon a solid friendship.

This bodes better for a successful relationship than a neat age difference.

Why on earth are people projecting her having to care for him when he’s old and decrepit? They’ve been dating for a few months ffs, she hasn’t made a lifelong commitment to him!

Being older, younger or having no age gap is no guarantee of who will end up caring for whom anyway. Shit happens to people of all ages; you never know when up you might end up being the cared-for one sadly.

OP, you are being ridiculous. She’s a 26 year old adult woman. It’s up to her who she sleeps with - time to cut the strings and stop being daft.

I was 24 when I met my now-husband, who at the time was 39. We've been together 21 years, happily married with three kids and a dog. Reserve judgement, I'd suggest.

Met dh at 22 - him 37.married at 26&41. 2 kids followed. Been together 10 years

If she was younger than 20 then I'd be concerned. No normal grown man is going to be interested in a teenager. Not the case here so I think you're over reacting.

At 26 it doesn't even seem like a huge gap. You really need to back off otherwise it may not end well for you. They are both adults.

TBH I might be concerned
But I would say absolutely nothing
She is an adult and all you would achieve is to risk your relationship with her

If he's 40 and owns his own flat in London the, unless he's inherited, he's possibly been working too hard to have much time for relationships. My friend used to go on dating sites (the ones you pay subscriptions for) and there were a lot of very successful professional men on there who simply hadn't got time for much of a social life and only ever met woman through work.

14 years isn't really too much of an age gap and will seem even less when your daughter is in her 30s if they're still together. One of my oldest friends is married to a man 30 years older than her, it is her second marriage (her first was to someone our age who treated her appallingly both physically and mentally ), she is blissfully happy, she retired in her 30s when he did and they travel all over the world together. He is a real gentleman … and I don't just say that because he washes and vacuums my car for me while we sit and chat everytime I visit them!

In our family we have a couple with a 20 year age difference which began when the younger party was a similar age to your DD. That was about 15+ years ago and they got married a few years ago and then had a child together too. Big age gaps can work.

But my sets of grandparents had an age gap of around 22, 23 years between them, my grandfathers being in their 40s. One of my grandfathers was a widower when he married my granny, he died in his early 60s. Those grandparents were married for 22 years and had 3 children. One of my grandmother's died at 79 years of age, after they had been married for 59 years and had 9 children!

YABVU. Your sentence "A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment" is actually quite offensive. Do you genuinely believe a 40 year old who had a had a history of shirking responsibility by divorcing or having kids then abandoning them would be a better match for your daughter? Also, he owns his own home! Saving a deposit and then buying a home takes a huge amount of commitment.

14 years is really nothing. If she were 16 and dating a 30 year old, fair enough to be concerned, but she is (presumably) a competent, well-adjusted adult and is capable of making her own decisions.

The problem really is that you see your daughter as a teenager still, and you see her partner as an old man. 40 is not old - especially not these days, when people find it hard to move away from home and many people still live with their parents into their thirties.

I can understand your reservations but she is an adult. Just be there for her and keep the communication lines open.

It is a worry and I don't blame you for feeling concerned. However, one's partner can be the same age and yet become seriously ill and in need of care even if previously in good health with a condition which is like a bolt from the blue. Anyone could end up being a carer and then widowed in the space of a year.
There are no crystal balls in life. If they're happy I'd perhaps gently ask if the age gap concerns them but leave them to find their own way. Be around to help her pick up the pieces if necessary.