To be concerned about DD’s age gap relationship

[Bellovbn]

DD (26) lives in London but has been staying with us since lockdown to be away from the city. Over the last few weeks I’ve overheard video calls from her room most days with a male. DD has today told DH and I that she is in a relationship with with a 40 year old man who she met through work. They’ve been together for a few months...apparently DD hadn’t told us because it was still early days but prior to lockdown they had been seeing each other very regularly. Apparently this man has no children, has never been married and owns his own apartment nearby to where DD is renting. I have tried my very best to sound happy for her, but I can’t help but feel concerned. It sounds as though this man is head over heels in love with her and DD sounds just as smitten. I can’t help but feel that they are at two totally different stages in their lives and surely don’t have anything in common which could carry their relationship through in the long term. A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment. I’d hate the idea of DD being strung along for years with a man who is wasting her time and who, due to the age gap, she will eventually be left to care for when she is still young enough to be enjoying her life.

AIBU in being concerned? DH says I should keep my thoughts to myself but I feel compelled as a mother to raise my concerns with DD as I feel she may be making a mistake :(

Do you honestly think she hasn't already thought of the things you have to say? Back off OP, you can't possibly help this situation by interfering.

I understand your concern. There are issues with age gap relationships due to being at different life stages. I am married and we have an age gap, so not judging, but do see the long term realities for good and not so good.

What would you say to her though? You risk a lifetime of her feeling your disapproval if she continues with it. Early relationship excitement tends not to lend itself to sensible decisions. Even if you only said something once like "don't settle for a long term age gap relationship when you can eventually find someone at the same life stage." If she does anyway, you would have to lie later to say you were wrong and ensure she believes that or else it would always be a source of tension between you. Showing disapproval is very difficult. I do get your concerns though.

There's an 11 years age gap between my husband and I. He'd never married before no kids. We have been married 8 years.

His age is no issue. Welcome him in. Trust her judgement

I was 25 and and DH 38 when we met. I had already had a disastrous marriage but he'd not been engaged even before. No issue with commitment but both parents had 2 failed marriages with really awful fallouts so he didnt want to make any mistakes. He committed to me straight away really, we have been together 15 happy years. The gap isnt big at all really.

She's 26.

I find large age gaps like that a bit odd personally, but it can and does work sometimes.

In any case, she's far too old for you to control who she sees, so you just have to be supportive of her decisions and be there for her if it doesn't work out.

If she was 18 and he was 32 then I'd find it more disturbing because an 18 year old is pretty much still a child, but at 26 she is an adult and I would have fewer concerns about her dating a much older man at that point.

Just stop thinking/worrying about this, and allow your daughter to continue her budding romance, This kind of age gap is perfectly ok, and you cannot judge the man in any way because he has never married or had children. Sometimes, it's better to have a more mature man in your life !

That’s not a very big age gap really

I dont think YABU to be concerned. I dont think its judegmental to be worried in this situation, you are still her mother and I think its natural. Plus it sounds quite intense.

Whilst 26 is an adult, Im 26 and I get on fine with men in their 40s but we dont have masses in common. I cant imagine being in a relationship with someone that age as I just think our lifestyle and priorities are different, generally we have a different sense of humour. I dont know I just feel too different to have a relationship, theyd probably find my friends annoying etc.

However shes old enough to make her own choices, and I imagine she feels they do have plenty in common. I personally wouldnt feel my mum was interfering if she spoke to me in this situation, but then we have a relationship where she could. Its very dependent on your usual relationship. For now id probably leave it alone, it might fizzle out by the end of lockdown.

I would find it very strange a 40 year old person having no previous longterm relationships.

I would find it very strange a 40 year old person having no previous longterm relationships.

We don’t know that he hasn’t, only that he has never been married or had children.

I would find it very strange a 40 year old person having no previous longterm relationships.

Isn't that when the cats come calling?

16 years between me and do. We've been together 21 years this month. It can work

For now id probably leave it alone, it might fizzle out by the end of lockdown.

I hope my mum didn't think the same. It didn't, twice over.

No idea what the problem is?
A lot of people aged 40yo have focused on education and work to that point and then once established poke their heads up and start to look at relationships.

That's about the same age difference as my wife and I. I'd never had or wanted kids when we met 25 years ago. We had our first child when I was 42 - we're still together.

YANBU OP. Nothing screams commitment like a failed marriage and a couple of kids you see eow and for tea on Wednesdays.

Almost identical situation - I met DH when I was 27 and he was 39. Been together over a decade now, married, children.

He hadn't been married before. The reason? His long-term girlfriend died when they were early 30s.

Is that reason enough for you, OP? Judgemental much?

Yanbu.
Way too big of an age gap.

Another happily married wife of an older man (14 years too) who- gasp- hadn’t settled down age 42 when I met him age 28. Nearly fifteen years and two kids later he is the best husband, dad and stepfather ever and I have absolutely no regrets at all. As an “older dad” he has spent hundreds more hours with his (and not his) children than my ex husband ever did as a father in his early twenties. Back off and trust you raised a woman with good sense and taste.

Let’s face it. He wouldn’t date woman 14 older than him.

Way too big of an age gap.

Too big for what?

My friends DMum and DDad had a 20 year age gap, her side of the family were so upset about her DMum marrying an older man that they didn’t speak for years and even now they don’t really speak. Her DDad dies two years ago at the age of 98 so they had a happy and long life together despite the age gap!

YANBU ... I would find the age gap really ick and worrying too, but I think it would be counter productive to make a problem of it. Offer unconditional love and support and hope it fizzles out. She has time to make mistakes and still find someone long term more her age.

Let’s face it. He wouldn’t date woman 14 older than him

And your evidence for this is...?

A 40 year old man who has never married or had children also screams lack of commitment

If it was my daughter I’d be really pleased he didn’t have that kind of baggage. What it screams to me is that he hasn’t met the right person and is highly selective.