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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt not happy with items bought from the supermarket

112 replies

Frustratedwithaunt · 06/05/2020 10:49

Hi I'm currently furloughed with 3 dc at home trying to home school, dh is also in the vulnerable category so shopping has fallen to me. My auntie
( mams sister) never married and didnt have any kids her family constants of my parents, my dad has terminal cancer my mother myself and one brother who has been working from home where he can in the office. My sil has been getting dm main shopping and I've been topping up bread and milk etc. I've been getting the main shopping for my aunt, however every single time I've went to get her items shes been moaning I got her 50/50 bread instead of white, I forgot her potatoes, I got bbq chops instead of bbq ribs, I got twixs instead of twirls etc. Shes even moaned to my dm who told her it's difficult to get items and to be more grateful. Aibu to use my Iceland account and book for her shopping to be delivered. Shes 68 with diabetes and had a heart attack previously but I dont think I can continue to do this shes driving me mad every time I go shopping.

OP posts:
Malysh · 06/05/2020 10:51

She sounds difficult so I would do this, assuming she does the online shopping herself (otherwise she'll just keep complaining you got the wrong items !)

Original poster
Frustratedwithaunt · 06/05/2020 10:55

Shes abit clueless with technology so I would have to do a list and I put the order in but then it's not my issue if the items arent available on her delivery. When I shop for my parents they are grateful. A normal shop of 40 minutes takes hrs, as I'm shopping for myself and her items. She even got neighbout to get the potatoes I forgotten because she wanted small potatoes not the big potatoes she had in.

OP posts:
BeeFarseer · 06/05/2020 10:57

You can't change her moaning but you can change how you react to it.

Practice saying some replies so you can rattle them off to her when she starts moaning. You'll know what will suit, but maybe something like:

'I know auntie, isn't it a shame that the shops don't have what you like'.

'It must be difficult for you not having the same things, such a shame the pandemic has changed everything'.

MaggieFS · 06/05/2020 10:57

It's rubbish when you try and help someone and it doesn't work out! Do you get a written list from her or are you misunderstanding/ forgetting? Or is she just changing her mind? Some of those issue seem pretty basic and I would have thought easily fixed if you had written down from her what she wants?

But by all means, get her onto Iceland if it's the easiest option!!

Windyatthebeach · 06/05/2020 10:58

Tell the ungrateful bat she can find another shopper if she wishes!!
Op you have the patience of a St...

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 06/05/2020 10:59

That reminded me of my Dad Grin
Because he had diabetes, I sneakily switched him on to that 50/50 bread to increase his fibre intake. All went well until he had a cataract operation - once he could read the label, he suddenly decided he didn't like and wouldn't eat the bread he'd been happy with for a couple of years.
Why's she eating twirls if she's diabetic?
I agree - best to leave her to the vagaries of online shopping, she sounds a nightmare.

Haven't eaten Twix in ages - I really want one now!

Original poster
Frustratedwithaunt · 06/05/2020 11:03

She has written a list and I try to go off that but my items arent there so try to substitute. The bread as you all a wary was really bad afew weeks back you were lucky to get a loaf of any kind. At times I've been doing my family shopping hers and my parents trying to check three lots of lists.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frustratedwithaunt · 06/05/2020 11:04

I think she eats them in moderation I've got about 95 percent of her shopping and it's been a big shop.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 06/05/2020 11:05

Why the hell id she eating chocolate when she has diabetes?!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/05/2020 11:06

My nan doesn't seem to understand the lack of things in the shops but she is nearly 90 so I can cut her some slack. She is slowly coming round to the idea that there may be some substitutions there. It is difficult when a family member is stuck in their ways and suddenly is reliant on you, because you then have all the pressure of needing to be able to read their minds to decide what to get instead of an item. I feel your frustration.

Willitneverend · 06/05/2020 11:06

If there's a local volunteer group near you (or even a council helpline), then the chances are it will have a list of locally owned businesses that are taking orders over the phone (butchers, greengrocers, corner shops etc). I'd give her the list and let her sort things out with them directly.

nonetcurtains · 06/05/2020 11:09

Can you take away the items she's complaining about e.g. she says 'I don't like 50/50 bread, I wanted white' so you say 'ok, I'll have it then' therefore leaving her with no bread. I'll bet she soon changes her mind.

I hate ungrateful whiners, I'd also have to say to her that if she's unhappy with my help she should ask someone else to shop for her.

Original poster
Frustratedwithaunt · 06/05/2020 11:10

I sent her a link and contact details for a butcher which I used to get a meat supply but she didnt use it. Shes got some help from the council to get her prescription and they can get shopping but wont use that part of the service. She mentions Morrison doing one of those packages but doesnt like it as she cant pick what specific items goes in. She complained and upset sil about not getting her food when I was in isolation with my family when ds had a temp. Sil was fab and got us all sorts when we stuck some that we didnt ask for. Sil messaged my aunt and she never replied.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 06/05/2020 11:13

Our son and Dil are doing our shopping and I wouldn't dream of complaining about anything they got, how rude of your aunt !

Nearlyalmost50 · 06/05/2020 11:14

Even Iceland deliveries won't have everything she wants either, mine arrived yesterday with about a third of items missing!

I would have a chat with her about the situation in the shops. Say clearly that at the moment, due to corona and problems with deliveries, they don't have the full ranges. Go through the items and ask her- would you like bigger potatoes if they don't have small, what chocolate would you like if they don't have Twirls, Hopefully you only have to do this once or twice for her to realise that substitution/things missing is now the new normal.

Of course you could offload this onto someone else, but I think with some more direct communication this might be able to be sorted out. She's probably thinking it's just the same as when she last went shopping and that you aren't being very careful, when in fact it's the opposite.

Persiaclementine · 06/05/2020 11:14

I just wouldn't substitute next time if you cant find what she has requested then she can have what you could get. If she gets pissy say "well aunty last time you moaned at me for getting twix instead of twirls so I didnt bother this time"

DollyDoneMore · 06/05/2020 11:18

Couldn’t get that.

They didn’t have it.

The store is all out of Twix. (Twixes?)

They’d just sold the last one.

How hard is it to say that?

jessycake · 06/05/2020 11:19

Grit your teeth and tell she will have to get on with it, or go without . I don't think you have any perspective how difficult it can be unless you go shopping yourself .
Be nice but firm with her , if only for your mums sake

ChilliCheese123 · 06/05/2020 11:20

Mil is like this. She struggles a bit to sort of take things in so the reality of this situation is dawning on her very slowly. She will process things a couple of days late so for example she rang me to tell me Boris Johnson was in hospital two days after it was first released. I just say ‘yeah I know crazy isn’t it!’

She asks for really specific things because she’s bored and thinking of things she ‘fancies’ is something to do - so one day it will be can you get me bread rolls, milk and Orange Clubs. There might be no orange clubs so I get normal ones and she is like ‘oh ok never mind’. The next day she asks us to go to the shop for her to get chocolate peanuts because she wants some. I suggest just eating the chocolate biscuits we bought the day before, so as to reduce the amount of shop visits, but she doesn’t get it and thinks we are basically saying no we don’t want to go to the shop for you. It’s hard. She actually asked me the other day can I go to a shoe shop in town to get her a pair of shoes, I said they’re all closed and she was surprised ! She will also ring when I’m in the shop and add things to her order but it’s always so specific! Basically I feel your pain and I actually think we have made a bit of a rod for our backs here as lockdown eases DP isn’t keen for her to start going out shopping etc as she won’t understand social distancing, will approach friends to chat to them etc. so I think this is the future now !

StCharlotte · 06/05/2020 11:20

My niece is doing our main shop, God love her, and I might request a brand of something but have told her if she can't get it, just get whatever she can. I am incredibly grateful.

But: a Twix instead of a Twirl? Just why?? Grin

Hercwasonaroll · 06/05/2020 11:20

I think you have to be more upfront about how shopping is different now. Explain you can't get everything every time because things come in and out of stock. Then ask if she would prefer you to substitute or just not get the item.

In fairness to her she may have no idea what shopping is like now.

Jaxhog · 06/05/2020 11:20

If she's complaining because you just can't get what she's asked for, then she is being unreasonable. I'm in a similar situation and have had to accept the sometimes annoying subs I get from online shopping. The lack of control is very frustrating, so I do understand why she may get snippy.

Could you discuss what she will accept as a sub with her?

WingBingo · 06/05/2020 11:22

I feel your pain, my mum is exactly the same. Although her requests are vague.

The list last week included 1 x slim lentils and tins of veg

So I got a pack of lentils and some tins of veg. Well she meant weight watchers lentils and veg soup and threw them at me!

I have added them to the foodbank stock now but talk about ungrateful.

DollyDoneMore · 06/05/2020 11:24

Aren’t WeightWatchers lentils just lentils?

Booboodisney · 06/05/2020 11:25

@StCharlotte maybe because OP had been in a supermarket for over an hour trying to get this specific sh** for her auntie and when there were no twirls she grabbed whatever was nearest ! It’s chocolate ! Eat it !