Aunt not happy with items bought from the supermarket

[Frustratedwithaunt]

Hi I'm currently furloughed with 3 dc at home trying to home school, dh is also in the vulnerable category so shopping has fallen to me. My auntie
( mams sister) never married and didnt have any kids her family constants of my parents, my dad has terminal cancer my mother myself and one brother who has been working from home where he can in the office. My sil has been getting dm main shopping and I've been topping up bread and milk etc. I've been getting the main shopping for my aunt, however every single time I've went to get her items shes been moaning I got her 50/50 bread instead of white, I forgot her potatoes, I got bbq chops instead of bbq ribs, I got twixs instead of twirls etc. Shes even moaned to my dm who told her it's difficult to get items and to be more grateful. Aibu to use my Iceland account and book for her shopping to be delivered. Shes 68 with diabetes and had a heart attack previously but I dont think I can continue to do this shes driving me mad every time I go shopping.

Tell her she has two choices:

1. You get exactly what is on her list but if they don't have it she does without.
2. You do your best to stick to the list but if something isn't available you try to get a reasonable substitute.

I am a very similar age to your aunt, my children all live over 100 miles away so other than GC who live locally with my exDIL I manage with a weekly online order, somethings I tick for a substitute and some I don't. It is what it is. At the weekend I got two loves with best before for the next day, frustrating as another brand would have been OK but I am just grateful that we have plenty to eat. I had a note from Sainsburys saying to phone if I wanted a refund but I decided not to as I am grateful for the service.

Obviously, her constant whining is annoying and I sympathise. But your examples are a bit odd to me. It's not clear whether the things you've gotten have been because you couldn't get what she wanted and if you couldn't get what she wanted, your substitutions are not great? While I like both ribs and chops, DH hates ribs and would never touch them for example and I can easily see how someone who wanted one would not be satisfied with the alternative you offered.

You "forgot" her potatoes - that would annoy me too. If someone is doing a favour for me, I don't think that means that I can't complain if they do it badly. And certainly, I am shopping for my neighbour and I would be mortified if I just forgot to buy something for her. DH accidentally took over the wrong veggies for her the other day (i had bought the right ones, he just wasn't listening when I told him what to take). Even that embarrassed both of us and he zipped over a few minutes later with the correct veg.

Twix and Twirls are not similar. Sorry. .

Why the hell id she eating chocolate when she has diabetes?!
Because people who have diabetes can eat sugar? And in fact some of them need it immediately when they have a hypo?

The above post brought to you by Ignorant People Talk About Diabetes, PLC.

I would just refuse to be a martyr for someone who couldn’t even be polite to me. I’ll never understand why so many adult women have trouble telling other people to stop treating them like shit on their shoe.

A lot of my customers in the shop are shopping for the very elderly who just aren't grasping the situation and are complaining about having to have tinned prunes instead of dried, or semi skimmed milk instead of skimmed.

I tell my customers to tell them that it's just like the war. Many of them are old enough to remember rationing.

Update ordered Iceland for her to be delivered. Think this is the way forward and reduce the stress.

god you have the patience of a saint op. 68 is NOT old and there's no reason she cant use an online delivery. My parents are nearly 80 and have mastered online shopping, it's not difficult. Also if she "just" has diabetes cant she go down at the specified time - it's early morning here - and get her own shopping. Honestly I hope I don't get like this when I'm old. Am giving my kids permission to put me down if I do!!!!!! I think I would get the list from her, and go through it, and if they don't have what she wants, get nothing. She might be more grateful for substitutions then. FFS.

Booboodisney Bit harsh

(And because I can't crumble a Twix onto banoffee pie obviously!)

Generational? 68 isn't elderly. She just isn't being very flexible. And I agree with the poster who said even if you're shopping as a favour it's something you do to the best of your ability. I booked a home delivery in order to include my neighbours and took the trouble to run possible substitutions past them before I checked out.

If someone brought me a twix instead of a twirl I'd go nuts too

therona I'm the opposite, I'll swap you the twirls sainsbury's sent me for twixes. I like them nice and cold from the fridge with a hot cup of tea, they sort of melt and dissolve in your mouth. Love them.

I think ordering online for her is the way forward - it's hard to go round a supermarket trying to shop from three different lists when some items are out of stock, and also socially distance whilst there.

Be sure to get her to specify whether she wants to enable substitutions or not.

If you do offer to go to the supermarket for her again, I'd get her to specify for every item whether she wants you to substitute or not if it's out of stock, and be clear that you can only grab the substitutions available rather than have a list of second, third fourth options.

When does old start now? I mean I'm late 60s and I say I'm old, I'm not young, think I've gone past middle aged, my life expectancy is about 20 years now so how do we divide it? 18 years = child. 19 to 40 young. 40 to 70 = middledaged? Over 70 = old. Something like that?

I don't think old is some sort of insult, nothing wrong with being safely here for nearly 70 years, I see it as a badge of honour along with my laughter lines (ha) and grey hair, I just wish my hair would go white as the battleship grey look isn't flattering but for some reason my red hair has got darker and it doesn't suit my complexion at all.

Old definitely doesn't have to mean you are awkward, selfish or unpleasant anymore than it does for someone classed as young or middleaged. I have a brilliant relationship with teenage GC, we love the same programmes, Breaking Bad, Line of Duty, Friday Night Dinner which their parents don't seem to like at all so I think I am young at heart maybe.

Tbh I think people should just be grateful they’ve got someone to go out shopping for them !!

Tbh shes very frightened about getting it, she lives alone so I think this fear is worse. She could go at priority times but wont she wont even go and get her post from the post box in the block of flats she lives in.

She’s going to be essentially housebound then for the foreseeable future isn’t she?

Well I’m off to the big asda now for mil’s pension (post office in there) and some tiny cans of Diet Coke ? Like mixer sized ones. Pray they have them or I will be forced to buy A BOTTLE

@1forsorrow, “old” is a descriptor though. You can be old without being “elderly”.

gingersausage, I'm not sure what the distinction is, am I old because I was born nearly 70 years ago but not elderly because before lockdown I was often doing a 400 drive to visit one of my kids, looking after GC, holding down a job, running a little online business, enjoying life with older GC? Is it that way round?

Twix made an ice cream version once. They gave it to us commuters as samples. Cue a carriage-full of people trying to bite through frozen biscuits. My teeth are weeping at the memory.

I'd just say to her straight that if she wants you to carry on doing her shopping then she needs to stop being so ungrateful and stop moaning. She's a grownup she'll need to change her behaviour if she wants you to keep on doing her the favour,

Booboodisney this is a concern she will ultimately end up housebound. Shes got to come out eventually. My own dm had to go out to the doctors for her INR despite my df being extremely vulnerable.

We look after a 92 year old lady and she is very selective with what she will have, even though we’ve explained to her about the shortages. What has worked is us explaining she has to have the spirit of the Blitz as she did in the war, and she’s “doing her bit” but your auntie isn’t old enough to remember this, in fact she is only two years older than my DH!

What I would suggest is that you a. Ask her if she wants substitutes if items are not available b. If yes, get subs you like so if she moans just have them yourself. If no, then she ends with no bread, no sweets etc and you calmly suggest she gets in touch with Morrisons/Asda/wherever you are shopping to query the shortages. She’ll get short shrift. I feel angry when I hear about people moaning about their shopping when someone is kind enough to help them out.

@1forsorrow that’s how I would see it, yes.

As others have said even a delivery won't guarantee she gets all the items she wants. I'd perhaps give her one more chance saying you will operate like the supermarket if an item isn't available you will either bring nothing or choose a suitable alternative- her choice. If she then moans stop doing her shopping guilt free.