Aunt not happy with items bought from the supermarket

[Frustratedwithaunt]

Hi I'm currently furloughed with 3 dc at home trying to home school, dh is also in the vulnerable category so shopping has fallen to me. My auntie
( mams sister) never married and didnt have any kids her family constants of my parents, my dad has terminal cancer my mother myself and one brother who has been working from home where he can in the office. My sil has been getting dm main shopping and I've been topping up bread and milk etc. I've been getting the main shopping for my aunt, however every single time I've went to get her items shes been moaning I got her 50/50 bread instead of white, I forgot her potatoes, I got bbq chops instead of bbq ribs, I got twixs instead of twirls etc. Shes even moaned to my dm who told her it's difficult to get items and to be more grateful. Aibu to use my Iceland account and book for her shopping to be delivered. Shes 68 with diabetes and had a heart attack previously but I dont think I can continue to do this shes driving me mad every time I go shopping.

I wouldn't be happy with those substitutions.

Waveysnail you do realise op is giving up her time to do aunts shopping? We are currently in a pandemic, theres been a shortage of supplies not to mention shes being three lots of shopping.

Oh can i join in with the stress of having shopped for my mum for six weeks. My mum, late 70's, goes to Lidl, Asda, Sainsburys, home bargains, BandM EVERY DAY they're open, usually. Plus farmfoods, heron foods, the local indoor market, Tesco and Morissons at least once a week. We live in town.

I work full time, for myself, DH is a key worker and we have three DC at home. eldest with special needs.

She wants bread from Lidl, butter from farmfoods or homebargains, long life milk from Asda. She's gives me the price to the penny she will pay. She doesnt accept substitutions. She doesnt understand why I can't just go to five different shops everyday for her if she's expected to be at home. She doesn't want to have to get more than a days worth of food at once. She gives me a list but it says things like garlic pate. Which is asda own brand course farmhouse pork pate with garlic it turns out. Not brussels pate with garlic which I know she used to buy.

So I'm following guidelines and minimising shopping getting/ doing a weekly shop. Click and collect, the odd Asda delivery or going out.

Today I went out to homebargains. I phoned her do you need kitchen roll - yes 4 rolls. They've got 2 large for 89p or a pack of 6 for £1.99. Do you want 2 packs of 2? No I want the 4 pack it's £1.29. Sorry they havent got that theyve got packs of 2 or packs of 6. But i want 4. So i'll get you 2 packs of 2. No thats too much (she isnt hard up). In exasperation, i'll buy the 6 pack and buy 2 rolls off you. Oh no I don't want to put you to any bother, just get me my 4 pack at 1.29.

Then we did similar with toothpaste, soap, don't get me started on butter. I got the right size and right price but it was from the wrong county!

2 weeks ago it was red trailing geraniums she wanted 12. I shopped at Morissons. Thought I'd struck gold. 2 boxes of 6 for £3. Last year she informs me the 12 pack were £2.50, she didn't want to spend £3.

It's exhausting.

RippleEffects

Sorry, but your DM is being a brat. She doesn't want to understand.
If it were me, I'd shop for her once a week, her list in hand. Drop off said groceries. Then switch off your phone/screen her calls for the rest of the day.

Sounds like you are letting the conversations go on too long, if she's nickle-and-diming your purchases. She's taking out her lack of control and autonomy on you. Don't keep taking her lashings.

I don't care if she is 70+, either. She is acting more like a 3-year-old. Quite angry on your behalf...

You good of your time. My mam would carry on like this but has realised between queues and getting in its whats available that day..

@DamnYankee oh youve so hit the nail on the head. Its a toddler tantrum. Im going to create a mental naughty step for her that she can be put on when she plays up.

She's a lovely mum really. Fiercely independan, headstrong and incredibly frustrated she's lost her routine. I shouldn't allow myself to bare the brunt of her frustration though - my children were never allowed to get away with it as toddlers.

@RippleEffects
I am sure she is lovely! I'd rather have a fighter for a mom, rather than one that is too passive. Honor that. Maybe even tell her that.
But, yes, you are teaching your children how people should treat them. You know how they tell you on flights to secure your oxygen mask first before children/vulnerable adults? Golden words.
Best wishes! Sending many positive thoughts your way.

I feel your pain OP. I shop for somebody and get them eggs from the farm shop I use but apparently not being Duchy Original or Waitrose renders them inedible. I now have 18 eggs

Glad you decided to let Iceland take the heat, @Frustratedwithaunt.

I like BeeFarseer's suggestions too.

I would add, if you have a few lists, it's best to take the time before you head out to the shops to amalgamate them into one long list arranged according to your route in the supermarket so you don't end up having to double back for things on second or third lists.

@RippleEffects, I wouldn't bother explaining to her about the paper towels. If the quantity/price isn't there simply leave the rest on the shelf and she can do without. Same goes for all the rest. If she refuses to allow you to use your best judgement where substitutes or prices are concerned then she will not get any of that specific item.

Tell her straight up:

• that you will shop once a week at one shop only and

• will get what is available from her list at that one shop

• regardless of the price they are charging.

• Tell her that the cost will be what it is, that she needs to pay you for what you buy even if the specific package she wanted would have been cheaper, and

• that if she doesn't trust you to get the best value for her, given the shortages and price hikes and the fact that you are not going to go all over town shopping, then she needs to find some other way to get her groceries.

Don't risk your health or your family's health trying to please your mum.

Frustrated
That’s great news. I have been getting deliveries every week for us and some for a vulnerable but not shielding family member. In the beginning it was hard and I basically signed up to every supermarket that would give them an account and a couple for us. But now capacity seems to have settled.

RippleEffects
I also think you need to take a big step back with your mum. I know it won’t be easy. Have you not tried to get supermarket deliveries for you all? From discussions on here, I can see different supermarkets have capacity in different areas. I struggle to get Tesco even though I shopped with them pre lockdown. Morrison’s and Asda both have slots in my area right now (I just checked)... Can you and your dh not go and have a socially distanced conversation with her while the kids play around in the garden if she has one? (Solidarity in numbers)... If you can establish a pattern of what she eats in a week, you can create an order delivered to her door as long as she will give you her credit card details. She is holding you to ransom even though in actual fact you have all the power.

Dd was feeling poorly yesterday and wanted some comfort food we didn’t have in from the local small Sainsburys. Dh had taken ddog to the vet and we ventured out to the shop for the first time. I’m disabled and chronically ill and I can’t do a proper shop. We queued for maybe 5 mins. That was horrible enough. Hats off to everyone shopping for family members, friends and strangers. Lovely people.

If you turn this around and imagine not getting some of the necessary items you ordered and receiving the wrong things instead of others. Repeatedly. You'd be fed up too.

@drspouse thank god someone said it! May not be the point of the thread, but the prevalence of diabetes ignorance (not just here, in life in general) both irritates and worries me.

Everyone shopping for people who don’t understand about there being shortages and substitutes etc, could you take photo of the shelf in the shop and show them?
Eg “look mum. This is the empty shelf where the eggs should be.” “Or they only had this brand not your usual.”

I did this when trying to explain to the kids why they couldn’t have a large jar of their normal peanut butter.
They haven’t been in a shop since before lockdown so we’ve had to explain the queues and shortages to them.

It's not clear why you're getting the wrong things

Twix instead of twirl because they were out of stock?
Because you were given ambiguous instructions?
Because you were asked for twirl didn't write it down and could only remember it was chocolate and started with the letters twi?

I seem to be in the minority but if your examples of substitutions are recent within the last couple of weeks - my local supermarket has been fully stocked with all those things for weeks now. So I would be pissed off if you forgot my potatoes - how was she supposed to get more? Twixes are nothing like twirls and in my experience chocolate has been plentiful through this pandemic, it was the staples that weren't available.

She's allowed to complain if you're consistently doing a bad job of shopping for her. How are you going to know you've got it wrong if she doesn't tell you? It's not her fault if you see it as moaning.

I feel your pain!

I am doing a shop for someone who is very specific - one thing from one shop, 2 from another and will accept no substitutions. It’s very annoying

It doesn’t sound so bad if you are reading this not shopping for someone but when you are trying to do your own shopping / things out of stock etc it adds up to the annoyance factor.

Especially when you have gone out of your way to get X for them and then they tell you off for not getting Y.

It’s frustrating for everyone at the moment

We’re shopping for MIL (who is used to doing a daily shop) and getting her to do a list, 1 carrot, 2 slices ham is totally exasperating.

It takes nearly an hour to get a list of about 20 items for her, as each one has it’s own story. She can email, and does. But won’t email a list over.

Bear in mind we can go months without hearing from her (DH phones at least once a week in normal times) unless she wants something. She phones the youngest son daily.

DH is phoning her daily, fo at least half an hour at a time. During which time she’s rude and insulting (told DH he had no morals last night and then laughed it off, morals had no bearing to the conversation at all)

She has an online Tesco account. Which she won’t use because she doesn’t like Tesco.

She keeps popping to the neighbours to ask them to ‘top up’ on bread and milk for her.

Our local bakery (who she usually uses) will deliver, even just a pint of milk, but she refuses.

I said to DH last night she’s gearing up for us to shop for her even after all this is over. If she were in the slightest bit nice then no problem. But she’s an ungrateful of harridan.

Oh wow, you guys all have the patience of angels!

My auntie (lives 200+ miles away so I can't get her shopping for her) is having local volunteers doing their shopping. She is getting annoyed because "these young ones don't think about the prices of things" and the cost of her shop has gone up (because the volunteers obviously aren't going to 8 different shops to save a penny on a tin of beans!) Like many up thread, she isn't hard up - she and her husband took early retirement in their 50s and have been taking about 3 or 4 big holidays a year for the last 20+ years, so it's frustrating that an extra 50p for spuds is seen as the end of the world! I think it is hard to understand what shopping is like at the moment if you aren't actually going out to do it, but so frustrating for those of you having to contend with these difficult relatives!

Life's just too short and shopping such a chore these days to put up with this rubbish. If you can't please her perhaps she had better go back to doing it herself then she can choose her own chocolate she shouldn't be eating

We must have the same relative. I shop for a sprightly elderly relative and it's a nightmare. She wants items from 3 or 4 different shops every week and complains at the price of everything like I'm rampantly spending 10p extra on a different brand of butter . She's much better off than I am tight as a ducks arse
To save my sanity and blood pressure I now only do online shopping for her. She's bounced back from the virus but DH and i have not had it. So as DH jokes maybe she ought to be doing our shopping!

@drspouse thank you for pointing that out! It was bugging me!

I was thinking ‘what the hell’s she doing eating bread and potatoes when she’s diabetic?” I’m T2D - I can eat chocolate no problem. Bread and potatoes, there’s no chance I can eat them!!

Agree with lots of good advice here. If they don’t work remind her she is not the centre of the universe and you would appreciate a bit more realism and gratitude. She is 68 not 98 so there is no excuse for being Ignorant, rude and ungrateful( I’m 64 ) other than her choosing to be.

DH has T1 and can in theory eat everything but some types of bread are horrendous.

Anyway we have about 8 substitutions in our click and collect today including the wrong size of envelopes for the church weekly prayer letter which don't go with the stamps we ordered.
So no, not everything is in stock now.