Aunt not happy with items bought from the supermarket

[Frustratedwithaunt]

Hi I'm currently furloughed with 3 dc at home trying to home school, dh is also in the vulnerable category so shopping has fallen to me. My auntie
( mams sister) never married and didnt have any kids her family constants of my parents, my dad has terminal cancer my mother myself and one brother who has been working from home where he can in the office. My sil has been getting dm main shopping and I've been topping up bread and milk etc. I've been getting the main shopping for my aunt, however every single time I've went to get her items shes been moaning I got her 50/50 bread instead of white, I forgot her potatoes, I got bbq chops instead of bbq ribs, I got twixs instead of twirls etc. Shes even moaned to my dm who told her it's difficult to get items and to be more grateful. Aibu to use my Iceland account and book for her shopping to be delivered. Shes 68 with diabetes and had a heart attack previously but I dont think I can continue to do this shes driving me mad every time I go shopping.

I do find it stressful shopping for several family members who are elderly or who have received shielding letters, mostly because they buy products I often don't. I can spend quite a long time in the meat aisle trying to pick the right cut etc (as it's not something I buy normally). But it must be so stressful and frustrating for people who have done their own shopping everyday for the last 70 years and know what they want to suddenly have to rely on other people. That being said, when I have been unable to get something or have had to get a different brand or a slightly different product, they have never complained.

I've been shopping for my Mum and elderly neighbour since this started. The neighbour is no problem, but Mum....I got a pack of fishcakes chucked back at me yesterday, so I've had to pay for them and dh or ds will eat them.

I get stuff from my village shop, as pints of milk are hard to come by in the supermarkets, and get ham and bread there too for her, and get fish from a local supplier for her. Mum expects me to go to various shops for her; I've whittled that down to two. Every week, without fail, even if I've managed to get everything for her, something is wrong...tomatoes are too soft, Tesco fishcakes aren't as melty in the middle as Lidl...you get the idea. I understand she feels frustrated that she can't do her own shopping, but she refuses to shop online, and I'm doing the shopping so that those who need the delivery slots have them.

I feel like I can't win, and wake up on shopping day (and I have to do it on her shopping day) with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Essential items are in stock. Envelopes for your church newsletter aren't really essential items and it's reasonable to assume items like that may not be in stock given they're not a necessity and other things are probably prioritised over getting envelopes of differing sizes in.

Well, you did get majorly wrong items. She is paying, she's got the right to be annoyed.
And you have the right to also be annoyed and stop doing her shopping.

I am in the vulnerable (not shielding) category but have been very careful and avoided shops.

The thing is you feel so helpless, another aspect of life that you have lost control over. Also, in lockdown there is not a lot else to think about and food seems more important.

And she cant just nip out to the shops to get the stuff you have forgotten.

It sounds like she is by herself, I just think in this situation lockdown must be such a headfuck.

I understand it is very stressful for you, and YANBU exactly, but it is no picnic for her either.

Essential items are in stock
No they aren't. Flour and yeast weren't even available to be ordered. "Essential" small businesses e.g. small food delivery businesses also need envelopes.

I would say to her that you are happy to do her shopping ,but as she seems to be unhappy with your choices ,you think it may be best to use the council run group from now on .You are not being unreasonable ,She is !

Envelopes for your church newsletter aren't really essential items

I disagree. For some elderly people, church is their main social and community group. Many don't have internet, email etc. In these times, this is the main way to keep them in touch with the outside world.
I'd place that above school supplies, chocolate and alcohol.
(We live rurally, might be different in urban areas.)

She really sounds like a few relatives of mine who had also always lived alone. I reckon it is a really big deal to her, that she's pretty rigid because she's used to controlling that part of her life and it's the most interaction she's having. What I'm trying to say is that I think this is not a problem with gratitude or her grip on reality but a problem about not having much else and maybe a defensive thing. Yes, people live alone and don't act like this but some people do. I think you're a great niece, OP, you're there in her hour of need and she might realise this once her defences are down. For me, what helped with the relatives was absolute sympathy with their 'plight' and lots of quick calls or contacts that were not based on any kind of need, just because you love them - it really helped, or making it clear you need help too evens out the relinquishing of power. Iceland sounds great, don't go to the shops unless you have to.

My Mum is usually the most difficult and fussy person, but I'll give it to her she's accepted the food is coming from Tescos or Lidl (and not her usual M&S) and hasn't quibbled if it hasn't been quite right, in fact she's been really grateful.

Despite this I'm still finding it stressful shopping for someone else, trying to make the right decision quickly so I'm not blocking aisles.

I half suspect your Aunt she won't be happy with some of the things that come from Iceland. Either way, I think you need to be honest with her that it's not easy out there, with queues, social distancing, lack of stock and even just genuinely picking the wrong item sometimes - you're human.

Agree @ChickenNuggetsChipsAndBeans

It must be really horrible to have carelessly chosen ‘essentials’ from Lidl or Iceland when normally you buy nice things from M&S or Waitrose and then to have to be grateful to someone who makes it absolutely clear that you’re a hassle they could do without.

@isittheholidaysyet yes, that's just it. Only 12 of the church have no internet and we said we'd do the envelope stuffing as our printer is fairly robust. Otherwise they'd get nothing from their main social group for these 2-3 months.