Aunt not happy with items bought from the supermarket

[Frustratedwithaunt]

Hi I'm currently furloughed with 3 dc at home trying to home school, dh is also in the vulnerable category so shopping has fallen to me. My auntie
( mams sister) never married and didnt have any kids her family constants of my parents, my dad has terminal cancer my mother myself and one brother who has been working from home where he can in the office. My sil has been getting dm main shopping and I've been topping up bread and milk etc. I've been getting the main shopping for my aunt, however every single time I've went to get her items shes been moaning I got her 50/50 bread instead of white, I forgot her potatoes, I got bbq chops instead of bbq ribs, I got twixs instead of twirls etc. Shes even moaned to my dm who told her it's difficult to get items and to be more grateful. Aibu to use my Iceland account and book for her shopping to be delivered. Shes 68 with diabetes and had a heart attack previously but I dont think I can continue to do this shes driving me mad every time I go shopping.

She sounds like my FIL (now deceased). You can only do your best , tell her that stock is limited and then take a deep breathe and tell yourself that her fault finding is her problem and not yours

Use your Iceland account OP, do whatever's best for you rather than this ungrateful woman. I can remember my mom & her friend discussing shopping for the old people years ago, I don't think mom realised she was the old people. They used to hump loads of heavy tins & stuff around & use shops that the person they were shopping for had instructed them to. No way would I ever do that! If someone needs help then by all means try & help, but this ain't no time to pick & choose. This is one of the reasons that I will not offer to shop for anyone. It's bad enough shopping for yourself without the added stress, then you have to listen to her moaning as well. Don't put yourself through it OP as you clearly have enough on.

@WingBingo Jesus Christ ! I thought MIL was bad but she’s never throw anything at me. She did say ‘he’ll have to starve!’ When I bought a slightly different Flavour of dog food for her dog who apparently can only eat one Flavour of one brand. But DP just told her to stop being ridiculous

To be honest I would tell her if she hasn’t received a letter telling her to shield for 12 weeks then she can go out herself to get her own shopping.
People on the vulnerable’ list can still go out, yes they need to be more careful about social distancing but they can still go out to a shop,

I think you just have to be direct with her. The shops don’t always have what she wants, so either she takes your substitution or goes without. Ask her what she would prefer you to do in that situation and don’t accept any whining afterwards. Unfortunately for some people complaining is a hobby. And they’ve lots of time for it now.

I would suggest that you ask "if they haven't got what you want do you want me to get something similar or should I not bother with that item?"

Actually I'd probably say "Do it yourself then... Auntie" (unless I was in her will)

YANBU but if you have the option of arranging an online shopping for her I don't understand why you haven't been doing that from the start, rather than traipsing round the shops and hauling stuff to her house yourself? Sounds like you have enough on your plate without doing that. Iceland from now on!

Tell the ungrateful cow to do her own shopping

I'd tell her to fuck off to Be honest .. she is being difficult when you are helping her ... maybe remind her of that!!!

If you’ve not been to the shops for 2 months it’s hard to understand exactly what it’s like. I’ve got a friend who is shielding who cant believe people queue to get into Aldi! Or that they turned the freezers off in Tesco because they were all empty. If I hadn’t seen it I’m not sure I would believe it.
So yes, if I said twirls and you got me Twix, white bread and you got me brown I’d be a bit pissed off. Especially when I had nothing else to do all day long but be annoyed about the size of the potatoes.

That said I probably wouldn’t be moaning to everyone about it.

I can't shop so I am very grateful for whatever I get. We have had some interesting meals, but I quite enjoy the challenge of creating something with odd combinations of ingredients. I too am in my 60s and chronically sick. Neither of these things are an excuse to be awkward and ungrateful.

I wouldn't even do Iceland tbh - she can go shopping herself or make other arrangements if she is that ungrateful. 68 isn't even that old! I’m all about boundaries these days.

Stock phrase 'I can only get what the shop has Auntie', bright and breezy and then quickly change the subject? It's what I used to do with my Nan and it worked pretty well. It does come across as rude and ungrateful when they complain but, in Nan's case at least, it came out of frustration that she wasn't able to do her own shopping, she didn't cope well with losing her independence. I obviously don't know if that applies to your auntie but it's a tough time for everyone and, assuming you normally have a good relationship, I would maybe try and cut her some slack and try not to take it personally.

There are lots of online places now delivering food - other than the main supermarkets. She can learn how to do it. If she is living alone - best if she orders prepared meals from sites like - parsleybox.com (if allowed here). There are lots more. 68 is not old. Or one can get Morrisons Food Boxes, also Aldi do a very reasonable Food Box delivery too - mixed items and includes loo paper! They will deliver 6 bottles of wine too - but waiting for that still!

If you continue, I would absolutely stop the substitutions. Get exactly what is available on her list and nothing else.

The Iceland idea is best though.

"Auntie, if you want me to do your shopping you're going to have to accept that I won't always be able to get exactly what you want. You need to realise that the supermarket shelves are not as they were when you last went shopping. Now, do you want me to shop for you or not?
And if you do, and they don't have the exact thing you want, do you want me to get an alternative or just not get any (bread/chocolate) at all?
Every time I go to the supermarket I put myself at risk. So when I arrive back with your stuff and you just moan at me, it makes me not want to do it any more. Please have some consideration"

It’s really not hard to grasp that things have changed. She might not be going out, but a glance at the papers and 5 minutes of news now and then is enough to get the basic idea through anyone’s head.

If she’s ungrateful even after you’ve explained, I’d just tell her the shops are quiet near closing so she can go hunt down her very important items then. If she doesn’t want to risk it then hopefully that’ll be her wake up call, and if she chooses Twirls over her health well then that’s her choice to make.

Agree with her what you should do if her preferred item isn’t on the list. Would she prefer nothing at all, or a phone call?

I think it is a generational thing : the 90 year old I shop for I always get the wrong things because she is so used to her specifics.
I'm always saying sorry no xx but got y , and joking at least there was something to get, not like during the war.

68 is no age. I'm only 7 years younger and drive to the shop once a week. Send gifts online to my elderly parents and my dgs.
My dm and df are in their 80's and both live alone.
They're grateful for every grocery shop that is done for them. And my df is a fussy eater. He is also worried about drinking wine more than twice a week in case he becomes an alcoholic. He's 89!

Honestly, I'd keep it simple and to the point. Remind her, firmly, that the situation has changed and you are doing your best. She can either accept your help or find someone else to do her shopping for her. If she wants to be fussy regarding substitutions, it is up to her to write on the list what she would be happy to accept if x isn't available. EG:

• one can of chicken soup (lentil also ok)
• one loaf of white bread
• one pint of semi skimmed milk (or 1l)

At least this way when you're shopping, if there's no chicken soup you buy lentil. If there's no white bread, she doesn't get bread. Easier for you as you don't need to try to come up with the substitutions, and she might actually stop being as fussy when she realises that a lot of things just aren't in stock.

But, ultimately, if she's being a pain and isn't going to snap out of it, stop shopping for her and give her a number for a local volunteer group. She might be vulnerable but she is an adult and needs to act like one, not a petulant child.

I've helped a couple of people out locally in self isolation and I have to admit both were choosy beggars who rejected what I was offering out of my own cupboard and had uber specific requests for random non essential bits and bobs which had me up and down the high street when I was expecting to just grab some essentials from my cupboard or the shop. Made me reluctant to offer again!

You are not alone!
I always ask now for each item ‘do you want a sub for that if it isn’t available’. Which is a bit of a pain but moves the onus onto them!

I asked DH to get me red gel food colouring this weekend. He came home with red food colouring but not the gel kind. I complained about this. He reminded me what the situation was and how a few weeks ago we were scouring the city for loo roll and supermarkets were literally empty and I realised I was being a massive unreasonable wanker.

Anyway, now is the time to be very blunt with your aunt and tell her she is being rude and entitled. In your shoes I would say "one more complaint and I will stop doing your shopping and sign you up for a Morrisons box instead" but that's probably a bit of an overreaction on my part!

My parents' neighbours, asked for cauliflower and carrots, brought "mixed veg". My parents just made a "mix veg" cheese instead of cauliflower cheese.
It is difficult, and the "acceptable substitutes" route is about the best you can do; people just have to be willing to be a bit more flexible.