Or am I reasonable to lose my shit?!

[Killedherhusbandwhackedhim]

Nm's help me before I lose my shit.
Where do I start - OK, my DS (3) seems to have become this feral child. I have no idea why. I'm trying to juggle the world on my shoulders it feels like.. I'm cooking every meal, cleaning/tidying every room, homeschooling my DD, the washing is unbelievable! I'm trying to interact/play with the kids and keep them happy, I'm up around 5am every morning with DS.. I do have a husband - but I've lost count of how many times I have asked him to help me. You know, even just getting out the kids pj's whilst I'm bathing them? He needs prompted on anything he actually does do, and even then he half arses it so I have to do it anyway. His excuse is "well I don't ask you to clean up" no he doesn't but I'm not going to allow my kids to live in a tip! Not to mention I suffer with bad mental health, which I'm on heavy medication and therapy for.. And most days I have to peel myself out of bed and put on a smile. Anyway - back to DS, I am struggling with him, he's began pooing and peeing in the garden (he's fully toilet trained) he will pee on his sisters bed through the day, on purpose, some days we don't know until DD gets into bed. He takes any opportunity to get himself into something he shouldn't be, he's drawn on the walls, he blocks the toilet on purpose with toilet roll, he wipes poo over the sink with his hands, he won't eat the meals I make, he has been nipping/biting, he knocked my husbands pc off the desk, he has been told multiple times about these things, toilet roll put up high but then my DD can't get it, he's punished by being sat on the step for 1 minute and then given the opportunity to apologise and if not, another minute. I've tried cooking meals with him so he understands what he's getting or making fun shapes out the food ect, Im desperately trying but failing it seems. Then I have a husband who doesn't seem to respect me at all, he plays pc all night long and wakes me up multiple times with his noise, I ask him to drive appropriately and he still puts the foot down and speeds to race other drivers - I ask him to do something he won't answer and if I ask him again he will take my head off and say yes I heard you!!
I'm sorry to have written such a long post thank you for anyone who read through it.

For DS why are you only putting him on time out for a minute? I would advise 3 minutes then a chance to apologise, if no apology another 3 minutes. More than 3 time outs a day means a loss of privilege. Aka his sister gets to choose what's on TV first or something.

For DH, do what you need to for the kids, leave his stuff. Go on strike for him essentially. No washing, cooking, etc until he pulls his finger out. Sit down and lay out where you stand, that you're fed up of him not helping at all or half assing when he does help so you're not doing anything else for him until he does help properly.

How do you expect your children to behave well when your husband behaves like a childish dickhead?

You know the answer to your post - leave him and give your children a better life.

I have no advice re your son as I don't have much experience with children over 1, however dangerous driving whilst knowingly aware that it makes your partner scared or uncomfortable is a classic abusive behaviour. Is your partner abusive in other ways?

however dangerous driving whilst knowingly aware that it makes your partner scared or uncomfortable is a classic abusive behaviour

I imagine the children are also in the car at times when this happens.

@Queenofthestress I'm not sure why, I suppose it's so difficult to get him to sit there for 1 minute, the idea of having him sit there for 3 is a bit daunting.

I have tried this before but I just physically can't cope with his dirty boxers laying round my living room or multiple piles of clothes everywhere, wrappers and empty bottles or dirty plates. Mess drives me insane and he knows it.

Urgh this sounds really awful, I'd be losing my shit too.

I think @Queenofthestress has it right - more discipline for your DS and a proper come-to-jesus talk with your DH. Complete with "if you can't give me what i need here, you're going to have to find somewhere else to stay during lockdown, and we'll need to seriously reevaluate our relationship once this is over".

His bad behaviour is setting a terrible example for both your kids, and i bet it's feeding into DS's acting out.

I also think lockdown is really hard on the little ones, so while you should definitely be stepping up discipline I'd also step up loving and cuddling and praise, for both your kids.

You sound like a strong woman doing a great job under tough circumstances, cut yourself some slack too.

I have tried this before but I just physically can't cope with his dirty boxers laying round my living room or multiple piles of clothes everywhere, wrappers and empty bottles or dirty plates. Mess drives me insane and he knows it.

His dirty clothes go in a binbag, his dirty dishes get put in a tub in the garden, you wash what you use.

High standards are the enemy for everyone right now. Its OK if your house is a 4 out of 10 on the tidiness scale at the moment.

He tells me re the car - oh I'm only driving in a straight line.. I'm not going to crash.. Don't be ridiculous, anything to moan.. But yes it scares me and he knows it, and yes the children have been in the car before. I'm not sure if it's abuse as such, his cars very expensive per month, we're due to hand it back (on finance) and get something else soon, he is adamant we're getting something better (and more expensive) and he just goes off on one in a mood if I try and challenge it.
We don't share money, his money is his.. And if he buys something that's for me, I need to give him the money back..

I have tried this before but I just physically can't cope with his dirty boxers laying round my living room or multiple piles of clothes everywhere, wrappers and empty bottles or dirty plates. Mess drives me insane and he knows it.

I remember when I was an incredibly messy teenager, my mum would just go into my room and put everything in bin bags and dump them on my bed. School work and all.

Get black bags and his boxers, clothes, wrappers, bottles etc. go into them.

I really feel for you and I think you're doing a great job even if you feel like it's all falling apart around you. I agree about stepping up the praise and cuddles as well as the discipline, my kids definitely respond much better to praise than me constantly telling them off but I've been where you are with my son. He is 5 now and things have got easier honestly just hang in there.

As for your husband he doesnt seem to have much respect for you. I don't know what to suggest there other than a serious talk

I think you'll find your mental health improves as as soon as your husband leaves. I should think your 3 year old is picking up on the absolutely miserable atmosphere in the house even if you have got so used to it you don't see it anymore.
I'd bet good money that the whole situation would improve 100% after your divorce.

I bet your mental health would get much better if you didn’t have to live with your pig of a husband.

DH is the root of all problems.
Your ds can see his parents are not a team. He will sense the atmosphere and the lack of respect radiating from his Dad onto you.
He sounds like he's playing up screaming out for some structure, pushing boundaries and ultimately trying to push a response from his father and in turn push his Mum and Dad together.
Yes, he's 3 but he will be fully aware of what is going on.
I think if DH wasn't a complete waste of space and you worked as a team then you wouldn't have as many issues with your ds.

He's driving dangerously, ignoring your fear, putting yours and your children's lives in danger. Puts the Blake back on to you and gaslights yiu. You add that he is controlling with money. I suspect if you dig deeper you'll find he's abusive in a lot of other ways. Give women's aid a call. I also imagine this behaviour will not help your son if he witnesses his dad treating his mum this way.

Thank you, i hate feeling like this, like I'm failing them. I definitely do a lot of praise, and cuddles and things, but I'm strict too, just obviously not strict enough. I feel sad, like there's something I'm missing with my son.

I've had the conversation.. More times than I can count. He says sorry, he will try.. Lasts a day, then back to the same shit.

Blame not Blake

Don't doubt that this is abuse Op. Have you thought about talking to Women's Aid?

If your DH's excuse is that he doesn't ask to to clean up, stop doing the things that he will notice. Maybe he'll start pulling his weight when he realises there are no cooked meals or clean clothes for him?

DS is harder, remember lockdown is tough on toddlers too. Their normal routine has changed and they don't really understand why. Lots of patience and consistency, clear boundaries and hopefully this phase will pass.

Gaslighting, is that turning blame on me? So if I say something to him, he turns it around to be my fault? Sorry I'm not aware of the word much.

Your parter sounds just like my ex. He wouldn't do anything, feigning illness or saying he doesn't ask things to be done or that things don't need to be done.

If I disagreed, he would get angry in front of the kids and with hold affection from me. When I tried to leave with the kids, he wouldn't let me take them or my possessions.

I waited till he went out one day without his key and phoned the police and mentioned co-ercive control. They came fast and kept him from banging on the door all night, sending him away. They did a risk assessment and helped me to access legal aid. I took him to civil court for coercive control and obtained a non molestation order and occupation order as he was the only one on the tenancy agreement this meant the kids and I could stay in the family home peacefully.

Don't accept this OP. It's a terrible example for your kids!

No, never thought about woman's aid. I have a voice inside that tells me it's all my fault & I don't deserve anything better.. It eats away at me.

I would never go back to some stages of the early years with my kids if you paid me a million pounds. It gets easier as they get older just keep doing what you're doing.

Yes, exactly that. When you raise a valid complaint they may tell you it's your fault, or deny that something happened. It makes you feel crazy, small and worthless. I speak from experience OP. If you can, please give women's aid a call. I phoned them based on one incident, and they helped me identify dozens and dozens of abusive behaviours that I didn't realise were abusive. It will help you feel sane and will also help you to know that his behaviours are NOT ok or normal.

OP that doesn't sound like a sign of purely bad behaviour, smearing faeces sounds to me a sign of extreme mental distress as is the nipping and biting. The times I have come across it with kids who are either being abused or living where there is serious domestic abuse. Lockdown may well have taken the routine and security away of normal life which no doubt includes dad being at work or nursery so there is a break from the pressures. It could just be his little world has been turned upside down but it sounds more like he is picking up on the tension in the house (and o query again domestic abuse?) and it is too much to cope with. He won't be able to express it in words so does in behaviour. Please phone your GP today for advise. They can check if there is any physical reason for the toileting issues like an infection or stomach problems and refer for help if it is not those.

Firstly you sound exhausted and I'm sorry you're going through all that. I don't think your husband will ever change and I think you should leave him. Really you should. He doesn't sound very nice and you said he doesn't respect you. That's no way to live.

Your son, I don't know the answers. We had many situations where my DD would get poo all over the floor when she was younger but in her case it was accidental. Putting it in his sister's bed sounds intentional and other than repeating that it's wrong and praising him for using the toilet properly, I am not sure what you can do. He might be playing up because of the change in routine.