Or am I reasonable to lose my shit?!

[Killedherhusbandwhackedhim]

Nm's help me before I lose my shit.
Where do I start - OK, my DS (3) seems to have become this feral child. I have no idea why. I'm trying to juggle the world on my shoulders it feels like.. I'm cooking every meal, cleaning/tidying every room, homeschooling my DD, the washing is unbelievable! I'm trying to interact/play with the kids and keep them happy, I'm up around 5am every morning with DS.. I do have a husband - but I've lost count of how many times I have asked him to help me. You know, even just getting out the kids pj's whilst I'm bathing them? He needs prompted on anything he actually does do, and even then he half arses it so I have to do it anyway. His excuse is "well I don't ask you to clean up" no he doesn't but I'm not going to allow my kids to live in a tip! Not to mention I suffer with bad mental health, which I'm on heavy medication and therapy for.. And most days I have to peel myself out of bed and put on a smile. Anyway - back to DS, I am struggling with him, he's began pooing and peeing in the garden (he's fully toilet trained) he will pee on his sisters bed through the day, on purpose, some days we don't know until DD gets into bed. He takes any opportunity to get himself into something he shouldn't be, he's drawn on the walls, he blocks the toilet on purpose with toilet roll, he wipes poo over the sink with his hands, he won't eat the meals I make, he has been nipping/biting, he knocked my husbands pc off the desk, he has been told multiple times about these things, toilet roll put up high but then my DD can't get it, he's punished by being sat on the step for 1 minute and then given the opportunity to apologise and if not, another minute. I've tried cooking meals with him so he understands what he's getting or making fun shapes out the food ect, Im desperately trying but failing it seems. Then I have a husband who doesn't seem to respect me at all, he plays pc all night long and wakes me up multiple times with his noise, I ask him to drive appropriately and he still puts the foot down and speeds to race other drivers - I ask him to do something he won't answer and if I ask him again he will take my head off and say yes I heard you!!
I'm sorry to have written such a long post thank you for anyone who read through it.

Don’t leave your daughter OP. That would be horrendous.

OK got it!

Every time I read a thread like this I wait for the post saying the OP got together with their partner when they were pretty young (not saying this about every relationship that starts early, but that the relationships with this awful dynamic often start this way).

If he doesn't even give you money to help finance you let alone his DC than what use is he exactly? And please don't say he can be very loving sometimes - this always equates to zero effort stuff like saying nice things but never actually pulling their weight in practical terms.

He's a terrible father and partner and you deserve better.

I'm not sure exactly - I think he's almost my safety blanket. I know I'm stupid.. But he allowed me to get out of a very abusive household and I will always be grateful to him for that.

What was the abusive household he helped you get out of? When you were with your parents?

I will just say, 3 is very young and I wonder if you’re expecting a little bit much of your son. In your situation, I’d probably stick him back in pull-ups for a bit, just to give you one fewer thing to worry about. My son wasn’t reliably potty trained at 3 and lots of others aren’t.

You say your MIL is a major source of support; can you rely on your own parents in the same way? It’s all very well people telling you to leave and go to your mum’s, but can you actually cope with living there? What’s the reason you went to your in-laws when you were ill instead of your own parents? Would it be more unsettling for the kids if you decamp and it doesn’t work out? I’d also be worried that you’d lose your in-laws support completely if you leave their “precious son”.

I can absolutely see you need to get away from him, but in your situation, I think you’d be better to ride out lockdown and then start looking for your own place with the kids. I know it’s far from easy, but Women’s Aid can probably help out with resources.

I will just say, 3 is very young and I wonder if you’re expecting a little bit much of your son. In your situation, I’d probably stick him back in pull-ups for a bit, just to give you one fewer thing to worry about. My son wasn’t reliably potty trained at 3 and lots of others aren’t.

Don't do this. That would be masking the psychological problems. This isn't toddler accidents, this is purposeful wetting (sisters bed) and poo smearing - all signs of something that needs investigation whether it be medical or otherwise. Don't ignore it.

I think you should self refer to family support service via Social Work or your Health Visitor.
You need guidance and support from professionals. This relationship is damaging to you all.

No you're not stupid at all OP - your situation is similar to mine back in the day, except I don't have DC. I was 18 when I met my exH who also "rescued" me from abusive and absent parents. Thing is it was the classic boiled frog scenario (look it up if you've not heard of it) - all the nice things ExH did for me at the start masked the fact I had jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire, and with an abusive dynamic being your norm growing up it's hard to recognise it when it happens again in your relationships.

Yes my parents, I don't want to go into much but my dad was a heroin addict. Mum drank a lot. A lot of abuse, neglect ect.
My mum downsized and has 1 bedroom so it just wasn't a good idea for a whole family to move in.
I'm aware 3 is very young, but I know my son and I know I'm missing something, I don't think putting him in nappies, when he's not worn them for over a year is a good idea. I need to get to the root of why he's doing this.

@CallMeRachel yes I understand that. I’m not telling the OP to ignore the issue, but an already stressed out mum doesn’t need wee everywhere to clean upas well, especially in someone else’s house.

That perhaps raises the question of whether moving back to your parents' house is a good idea. What a difficult situation.

@pepere my dad died a couple years back, my mum is in a much better place now, she's most definitely not the most maternal person, but she will let me stay, help me, cook my meals, wash my clothes ect.

That sounds like it might work then. Has she sorted out her drinking problem?

Maybe you should give her a call and explain the situation.

Yes my parents, I don't want to go into much but my dad was a heroin addict. Mum drank a lot. A lot of abuse, neglect ect.
My mum downsized and has 1 bedroom so it just wasn't a good idea for a whole family to move in.
I'm aware 3 is very young, but I know my son and I know I'm missing something, I don't think putting him in nappies, when he's not worn them for over a year is a good idea. I need to get to the root of why he's doing this.*

We're getting somewhere now op. There is a lot to unpick and it's probably fair to say that due to your upbringing and past abusive relationships the bar is set very very low in terms of what you think is normal.

I'm glad you are recognising things are not right with your son. Please seek help, now.

I'd probably start by contacting your health visitor and letting her see this post.

You and your children deserve so much better than this.

Yes she doesn't drink, she's even a key worker so she's doing much better.

Yes I left my parents and went to stay with husband and his parents. I was only 15.

He doesn’t give you money? For his own kids? Go to your mum’s. Stay there.

I'm sorry OP, you've been through a lot haven't you. You are doing the right thing coming on here.

Regarding your DS - it's possible there is some neurodiversity, but on the other hand lots of 3 year olds are really struggling right now. They are playing up because they can sense the weirdness going on and their routine and lives have changed massively. I imagine he's picking up on stress levels in your house due to your horrible husband too. Also having your husband around more, but him totally ignoring your DS may also be a contributing factor to his attention seeking behaviour. If you son is very bright and sensitive and it sounds like he is, NT or not, he will be especially in tune with it all.

You do need to leave this wholly abusive man, ASAP. For your DS' sake as well as yours.

He is not going to change.
He is not going to change.
He is not going to change.

Your DS can and will grow out of this but he needs a calm mum and he needs to be away from the irresponsible nasty bully with an impulse control problem that is his dad!

You've moved from one abusive household to another and that's made it seem normal.

What you're experiencing isn't normal and it is abuse.

You deserve better and so do your children.

I know you will question yourself and blame yourself because that's what happens when you have been subjected to coercive control. You have not created this situation and you are not obliged to put up with it, no matter what anyone did to help you when you were a vulnerable 15 year old child.

When you go, you must be prepared to be bombarded with pleas, promises, threats and abuse to get you to go back. Typically a man like this will apologise profusely and promise you the moon on a stick to get you to return to the family home. Once you are back, everything will quickly revert to normal and the abuse will probably escalate. If the nice tactics aren't successful, he will then try threatening to hurt himself, you or your children. Again, if you give in and go back, life will be worse than ever.

If he says he deserves a chance to get it right, he has had as many chances as there have been hours in the day since his first child was born. If he didn't see the need to parent his children or help you last week, he isn't going to next week or after he's persuaded you to come back.

How are you doing @Killedherhusbandwhackedhim?
Have you been able to process any of the advice?