Or am I reasonable to lose my shit?!

[Killedherhusbandwhackedhim]

Nm's help me before I lose my shit.
Where do I start - OK, my DS (3) seems to have become this feral child. I have no idea why. I'm trying to juggle the world on my shoulders it feels like.. I'm cooking every meal, cleaning/tidying every room, homeschooling my DD, the washing is unbelievable! I'm trying to interact/play with the kids and keep them happy, I'm up around 5am every morning with DS.. I do have a husband - but I've lost count of how many times I have asked him to help me. You know, even just getting out the kids pj's whilst I'm bathing them? He needs prompted on anything he actually does do, and even then he half arses it so I have to do it anyway. His excuse is "well I don't ask you to clean up" no he doesn't but I'm not going to allow my kids to live in a tip! Not to mention I suffer with bad mental health, which I'm on heavy medication and therapy for.. And most days I have to peel myself out of bed and put on a smile. Anyway - back to DS, I am struggling with him, he's began pooing and peeing in the garden (he's fully toilet trained) he will pee on his sisters bed through the day, on purpose, some days we don't know until DD gets into bed. He takes any opportunity to get himself into something he shouldn't be, he's drawn on the walls, he blocks the toilet on purpose with toilet roll, he wipes poo over the sink with his hands, he won't eat the meals I make, he has been nipping/biting, he knocked my husbands pc off the desk, he has been told multiple times about these things, toilet roll put up high but then my DD can't get it, he's punished by being sat on the step for 1 minute and then given the opportunity to apologise and if not, another minute. I've tried cooking meals with him so he understands what he's getting or making fun shapes out the food ect, Im desperately trying but failing it seems. Then I have a husband who doesn't seem to respect me at all, he plays pc all night long and wakes me up multiple times with his noise, I ask him to drive appropriately and he still puts the foot down and speeds to race other drivers - I ask him to do something he won't answer and if I ask him again he will take my head off and say yes I heard you!!
I'm sorry to have written such a long post thank you for anyone who read through it.

@Killedherhusbandwhackedhim
The IN-law situation - is this a cultural thing?
Are you from a muslim/hindu background?
Does your husband get everything done for him by his Mum?
how does this whole situation work with them in the House too?
I am asking as this may affect your choices?

You are not a laughing stock to me OP, or anybody else here I’m sure.

You’ve got a chance now to take that control back and move forward for yourself and for your DC. I felt a prize twat when I realised what a mug I’d been for my dickhead Ex. But I know now that I was on the receiving end of abuse way before the abuse became evident. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.

We all hope for the best for our children, in our mind we see that as the whole family unit being together - but in reality that can only work if both parents respect each other and pitch in their fair share. It’s not wrong that you wanted to make a go of it for your DC - you’ve tried, he’s failed.

Nope. We are from UK, we moved in after I had a suicide attempt, and I couldn't cope myself. His mum was my support.

Is your degree 3 years? So you're finished in July?

Stick it out until then, find yourself a job (put your DS in nursery with 30 hours free) and make it very clear that from here on in all housework and childcare will be shared 50:50. If he can't manage that, he obviously only sees you as a skivvy and you're no longer interested in a relationship with him.

PACK UP THE KIDS AND GO TO YOUR MUMS

Oh mate - you deserve so much more than this twat! Go to your mum, with your kids. You are so young - look at this as the start to a better life for you and your kids. Hugs

You DS is telling you the only way he knows how that he is deeply unhappy.
And you are deeply unhappy too, to make a suicide attempt proves it.
Common factor? Husband / father.
Oh sweetheart, it would be better for you to leave than to turn into your username.
It made me so sad to read that you nearly got away, but he lured you back in.
You and your DCs deserve more.
Be strong.

Is part of the reason you stay because you feel like you owe something to his mum? Or because you would miss her if you split up?

You're so young and you've been with this man since you were a child yourself. He sounds utterly horrible.

You can have such a bright future ahead of you if you walk away from this marriage, finish your education and build a happy home with your children. Please don't waste more years with this deadbeat.

What's your degree in op? Is it something you'll be able to get a job in straight away? If moving in with your mum is an option then I think you should take it. How he treats you isn't right. I'm in a bad relationship too with someone who is also controlling over money as well as lazy and thoughtless around the house. I'm leaving as soon as I can afford to.

All of the way he treats you and then he doesn't even contribute financially to his family?

There is not one reason to stay.

Will you all fit in your mum's house? Will she be supportive?

Leaving an abusive relationship is absolutely allowed atm OP. And this does sound like an abusive relationship. It also sounds like you need some help with your DS. His behaviour is outside the normal behaviour for that age. I couldn't begin to unpick why that is based on this post but I think you need to consider autism or ADHD as well as looking at what is going on in the home. Whatever is going on you need support.

I just burst out crying - DS just stood infront of me and peed on the floor. I've decided to go to my mums with just him today/tonight and try spend lots of time with just him and see if I can get to the bottom of this. At least there I'll not have the stress of everything else plus the house and washing ect.

I do worry his mum will judge me, I then lose that support and I'm up shit creek without a paddle. X

Leave him. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can have a peaceful, safe home with the kids, with no useless H messing it up or sitting there killing the mood or scaring you all.

You can have peace and freedom and safety, your degree and a career, and then when you have had time to recover, you can find a wonderful partner who wants to share the chores 50/50 and spend time with you and play with the kids and cherish you.

You deserve so much better than this.

OP, does your husband's mother not worry you are judging her for raising a son as awful and useless as your husband?

Sounds like you're better off without the husband

My degree is to do with childhood practice but I have 2 more years. Yes the jobs will most likely be plentiful but I'll have to put my all in and pass first. my mums house will be pretty cramped but I'm sure it would be OK for short term?

No, never thought about woman's aid. I have a voice inside that tells me it's all my fault & I don't deserve anything better.. It eats away at me.

It doesn't sound you're fault at all! You're the only one trying to keep everything together. You need to stop that little voice in your head and let it tell you something else- something MUCH more useful and positive!
I agree with others that your husband's attitudes and behaviour is the primary root of the problems. Honestly, you'd be better off without him. It sounds as though your son may be picking up on the dynamics in the home and acting out.
I'd also get make sure that I took the children out every day to run off some energy and get some fresh air and a change of scenery. In fact, maybe he'd respond well to a very structured day in general that was the same each day. Take him to the toilet regularly and pre empt his 'accidents'. Give him lots of cuddles and time.

So he doesn’t contribute money or anything else? Please go!

OP, I am so sorry that you are having to cope with all of this on your own. Your husband is not a good person. He is abusive, manipulative, lazy and a shit dad. Go to your mum's, you need the support that you're not getting from him. You deserve so, so much better than this. And for what it's worth, when my parents announced they were getting divorced all I could think was 'about bloody time'. You are a great mum, that voice in your head is lying to you.

Your DS needs a neurodevelopmental assessment and you need to talk to Women's Aid.

Until you have moved away from your DH and you have a better understanding of your DS's needs, nothing will get better.

None of this is your fault.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves and respects you.

Having divorced parents will be better for your DC than watching their mother being abused by their father.

I feel I could have written a similar post myself a few years ago. My mental health was through the floor, depression and anxiety. I felt like I had all the pressure in the world on me. I had to ask my husband to do things, and he would huff and moan as he did it.

I sort of thought that we were going through a slump (together for 16 years, and married for 11), and we would pull ourselves out of it. But we didn't.

He had an affair, and chose to be with the other woman. He told me I emasculated him by always asking him to do jobs.

It's been a pretty hellish few years. I'm at home with our children (and suspected C19) whilst he and his girlfriend are together and I still feel resentful. However, he did me such a favour by leaving. I am so much stronger than I thought I was. I am back working in a job I adore, and so proud of myself.

I will say, I know my mental health made me difficult to live with - I was a perfectionist, and had hugely varied mood and energy levels. Some days I did it all, some days I barely got off the sofa and he just couldn't understand it. It must have made things hard for him. 20/20 gives me that understanding. Of course, it doesn't excuse his behaviour, but it helps me to understand his headspace.

In terms of your son, I would 100% guarantee he is playing up because of the atmosphere in the house - a) he will be anxious and unsettled in that environment, and b) you are anxious and he's pushing your buttons. It's not bad behaviour, it's a reaction to what is happening. Plus, 3 year olds can be little shits sometimes. It's just the way they are built.

I'm not telling you to leave the bastard, but I think you need to ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with someone who values you so low that he deliberately drives dangerously, as well as all the other stuff he is doing/not doing.

Your ds is learning from your dh how to treat you. And it sounds like he's picking up on the stress around him and acting out. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

How old is your DD? I would say, forget the homeschooling. Find activities that you can do with both your children - reading a book to them, playing with lego, running races in the garden, sit and draw/mark make with them. Do you have any bubble solution - we have found popping bubbles in the garden an excellent way to get active and relieve stress which works for all age groups (mine are older now but I had three under 5 at one point). This is an extraordinary situation that we are in and a few months off school won't hurt. It's tricky but you need to try to involve the children in "helping" round the house. Give them a broom and get them to sweep, put some plastic crockery in a tub for them to "wash" etc. Also bear in mind that housework does need to be done but unless soiled it is ok to be a bit slack about changing the beds, etc.

One thing I would say is that mumsnet can be very encouraging about leaving relationships, but if you don't feel able to at the moment, don't let that contribute to any sense of failure. Just do the best you can with the cards you have been dealt at the moment, and if you think it is in the best interest of your family, go and stay with your mum.

Please, please cut yourself some slack though. You can't be a mother, housekeeper, teacher, nursery worker, cleaner, student, etc to a perfect level. It's just not possible.

@Killedherhusbandwhackedhim

Cramped house better than the current situation.

You can study with kids (I did/am).

It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

Also, I don;t think your son needs medical assessment, but maybe a play therapist/similar will help him process some of what's going on. x

Don't leave with just one of your children, Op. Really bad idea.