Or am I reasonable to lose my shit?!

[Killedherhusbandwhackedhim]

Nm's help me before I lose my shit.
Where do I start - OK, my DS (3) seems to have become this feral child. I have no idea why. I'm trying to juggle the world on my shoulders it feels like.. I'm cooking every meal, cleaning/tidying every room, homeschooling my DD, the washing is unbelievable! I'm trying to interact/play with the kids and keep them happy, I'm up around 5am every morning with DS.. I do have a husband - but I've lost count of how many times I have asked him to help me. You know, even just getting out the kids pj's whilst I'm bathing them? He needs prompted on anything he actually does do, and even then he half arses it so I have to do it anyway. His excuse is "well I don't ask you to clean up" no he doesn't but I'm not going to allow my kids to live in a tip! Not to mention I suffer with bad mental health, which I'm on heavy medication and therapy for.. And most days I have to peel myself out of bed and put on a smile. Anyway - back to DS, I am struggling with him, he's began pooing and peeing in the garden (he's fully toilet trained) he will pee on his sisters bed through the day, on purpose, some days we don't know until DD gets into bed. He takes any opportunity to get himself into something he shouldn't be, he's drawn on the walls, he blocks the toilet on purpose with toilet roll, he wipes poo over the sink with his hands, he won't eat the meals I make, he has been nipping/biting, he knocked my husbands pc off the desk, he has been told multiple times about these things, toilet roll put up high but then my DD can't get it, he's punished by being sat on the step for 1 minute and then given the opportunity to apologise and if not, another minute. I've tried cooking meals with him so he understands what he's getting or making fun shapes out the food ect, Im desperately trying but failing it seems. Then I have a husband who doesn't seem to respect me at all, he plays pc all night long and wakes me up multiple times with his noise, I ask him to drive appropriately and he still puts the foot down and speeds to race other drivers - I ask him to do something he won't answer and if I ask him again he will take my head off and say yes I heard you!!
I'm sorry to have written such a long post thank you for anyone who read through it.

This is what I say to him, play with the kids, the bedding needs changed, the kids need a bath ect.. But it doesn't get through to him. Then it's all my fault, I moan at him all the time ect, I've had to ask him to spend time with me but he says unless we have a series to watch or something he won't because he's not sitting just staring into space.. I've told him, we don't need to, we can talk and cuddle ect but so far, nothing.

Is it that your DS thinks your are giving your DD all your attention (because you are trying to homeschool her) and is fighting to get your attention by doing all these things? Because he knows it's guaranteed to make him the focus of your attention, even if it's screaming and shouting at him? For kids, any attention is better than none...

Your DH sounds like a useless shit, But could you give it one more try, TELLING him that he needs to take your DS, entertain him, do stuff with him, whilst you are with your DD?

I reckon he'll refuse, half-arse it or they will both end up staring at screens, but it will be attention of a sort for your DS. As to the leaving boxers lying around - yeah, my OH used to do that. I'd leave them, and it would end up in a huge screaming match where I'd be called a filthy slut for not doing all the work, so I feel you on that one. Could you record him saying 'I don't ask you to tidy up/do the washing' or whatever, and then, when he complains that you've left all his shit, just play it back, on a loop?

I think you will all be happier without him, but for now he needs to pull his weight with his DS, if you can't persuade him to do anything else!

Op - I could have written your post 5 years ago. I thought leaving would help but it didn’t because the count just upped his game and used the fact that I was utterly ground down to help push me over the edge.

If you think leaving will help I would leave - because you’re living with an utter child.

Stop getting in the car with him.
I see arsehole driving like your dh and I seriously hope they crash the car.
It's not on.
I agree with other posters. Your dh is the problem here. Your dh is your sons role model, he will pick up clues from him as to how to behave and it's not looking good.

You're wasting your breath, OP. He shouldn't need to be told to do any of these things. If you were in a good relationship with a man who loved and respected you, he would be doing these things automatically.

Take the kids out of the equation for a second and imagine you don't have any. Would you stay with someone who leaves his boxers around the living room, doesn't do any housework and sees talking to you and cuddling you as pointless, or a chore? You deserve to be with someone who talks to you because you're his best friend, and looks forward to having a cuddle with you as the best part of his day.

Your kids won't blame you OP. I left my son's dad when he was 3 months old. He's now 18 months old and I am further along now. I don't regret it for one second and don't worry about my son blaming me. He would likely blame me if stayed in the relationship and he was 'raised' by a dad who was abusive and cruel to his mother (and likely him too when he for older)

OP, with the regards the your dh I agree with everyone above - he’s a lazy bastard and treats you appallingly - it’s up to you to decide what to do about that.
With regards to your ds, it sounds like he needs to be occupied. Whilst you’re helping your dd with work could you set him little activities to do? Just things like “ok, we’re going to draw a card for grandma today and then we can put it in an envelope and post it in the postbox” or bake fairy buns together and let him decorate them? Or even get him to sort, say, his toy cars into colours? Just little activities to do whilst you are home schooling your dd to make him feel like he’s involved too?
And use very positive language with him “I need you to help me today ds, I have a really important job for you”. I think the smearing/toilet roll down the loo type things sound like boredom. The devil makes work for idle hands! Sounds like he needs more of a routine.

And during this really difficult time I would let the housework take a back seat. Wash the pots and have a quick tidy round and that’s it, only do stuff that’s absolutely necessary. Do the laundry when the dc’s are in bed or watching a bit of tv. It sounds like you put too much pressure on yourself and obviously your MH issues are a big part of this. No one is going to see your home atm!

But, yeah, your dh is another issue.

The law on coercive control. If you choose to take him to court you need evidence of the crime committed against you.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

@Killedherhusbandwhackedhim

Gaslighting, is that turning blame on me? So if I say something to him, he turns it around to be my fault? Sorry I'm not aware of the word much.

Yup that's exactly what it is.

OP you sound absolutely fucking knackered, god bless you.

This is not your fault. Your husband is a grade A dick-wad.

I'm not usually in the 'leave him' camp but seriously; what is he bringing to your life? Get him out or go to your Mum's until you can get a few things sorted. He sounds intolerable.

I would email your daughter's school and say you'll be withdrawing her from lessons for the remainder of the week there has been a family emergency and just spend time with both of them. It will do them the world of good.

Regarding your little boy, I agree with the others that I would book him in with the GP, even if just a phone conversation... that isn't typical behaviour and hopefully they'll offer some advice.

Chin up, you're doing amazing x

As for your kids blaming you if you divorce, please try not to worry about that. Some kids are badly affected by their parents' divorce, but others are fine. And some kids are badly affected by their parents' unhappy marriage.

You can't turn back time and have your kids with a different man. All you can do is look at the situation you are now in and find ways to improve it.

Your son's behaviour is not normal. He sounds traumatised. Absolutely take advice from your GP or a child psychologist or have him assessed for special needs if that might help. But it sounds like there is something about the environment you are currently living in which is causing your son's behaviour, and from what you say, I'm betting your husband's behaviour is at the heart of it.

So given that there is nothing you can do to change your husband's personality and behaviour, you should think about the best way to shield yourself and your children from your husband's personality and behaviour. Living in a different house sounds like it would be a great start.

What’s your housing situation? Can you kick husband out?

From whatever you've said, there's no point having these conversations with him because he already knows what he is doing - he is doing it on purpose!!!

Another vote for GP and Women's Aid and for the problems with your son improving if he's away from your OH.

I understand your parents' divorce was tough and scarring for you, but it doesn't mean your children will be better living with abuse as you've described it.

This sounds awful, I think you need a new life with you and your children away from such an exhausting arsehole. Kids are hard work but he sounds draining and a bully.

Your DH is abusive - money control, threats (the driving etc). So you need to be planning on how to get away from him for your sake and your children's sake. Talk to Women's Aid, they're often strongly recommended on here.

Your DS: Many children are apparently regressing stages due to the stress and upheaval of corona virus (even if very young their routine has changed, they can feel the stress around them and react). It's both normal and common. Discipline is still needed, but a lot of love and reassurance also. Apparently they more they are hugged, talked to, read to, cuddled etc, the more the stress centre in their brain chills out, leading to improvements in the rest of their behaviour. Both our schools and nursery sent out guidance on this as it is so common.

I imagine your 'D'H's behaviour is also influencing your son.

Do you have the red book for your 3 year old? You could call the health visitor and get some advice. If not the children’s centres are still offering essential services, check out the website for your local one.
They will help you establish if it’s typical 3 year old behaviour or not and also provide some resources on discipline if you want them.

Your relationship sounds like you’re in a cycle of you being nag and maid and him being petulant child and master. Do you even still love him? There’s nothing attractive about his behaviour and you won’t be able to adjust your role of nagging maid until he makes some changes.
The fact he is on furlough and you remain doing the bulk of the early wake ups, childcare and cleaning is just totally unreasonable.
Action depends on whether you still love him. Do you think an ultimatum would work? Is there anywhere else he can go?

I agree with others, your life would be easier without him in it.

You sound lovely, and your husband sounds like an abusive arsehole. You and your kids deserve better than being with this guy. Your kids won't blame you if divorcing him gives them a better life, which it will. Talk to Women's aid and start thinking about divorcing this bastard

I agree with pollaidh in relation to how covid is affecting dc. It might not be autism. With your ds you say I feel sad, like there's something I'm missing with my son and it is possible this is what it is, a 3 year old might wee in the wrong place as a way of communicating they are unhappy, and need more connection with you, and if you increase the TLC you then bring about huge changes, they want to please you. Time out may well make it worse. If you google "ahaparenting my 3 year old is being defiant" or something similar then you may find her strategies really help. It will also explain why the research is against time out for 3 year olds. The website is written by a child psychologist with many years under her belt.

Your ds will also be being affected by your DH. Your real problem is your DH, I agree with other posters that he sounds abusive, this will not get better and you will find your dc copying the behaviour as they get older and that will really break your heart. So your job then increases as you are trying to bring your dc up properly, to challenge and counteract learning from the DH behaviour, to mend their broken hearts about their father.

I am really sorry that this is happening to you, you aren't alone. I agree with other posters talk to Relate, to Woman's Aid.

With regards to your son's behaviour, it sounds like he needs more modelling good behaviour, rather than the shitty way he's seeing your husband act.
Rather than focusing on the No behaviours, e.g. Don't block the toilet with toilet roll, Don't write on the walls - make more of a focus on Yes behaviours, e.g. This is how we behave in the bathroom, This is how we can make a pretty picture using paper. Reward charts, stickers and praise every time he does something correctly. Sometimes kids get so overwhelmed by the things they're told not to do, they struggle to see what they are supposed to do.

Your DH is the problem here. DS is probably acting out because of the chaos, which has been caused largely by DH. More on your DS later.
DH is a lazy, useless fucker. You'd be much better off without him slobbing around and making a mess. Obviously it's hard to be a single parent but at least if you got rid of manchild you'd have less work - only 2 children to look after instead of 3.
Do you want the rest of your life to look like this??
I'd get a couple of rolls of binbags and everytime he leaves his stuff all over the place I'd just scoop it all up into a binbag and shove the binbag somewhere - outside, on his chair, wherever.
Tell him he has to shape up or ship out.
I'd like to bet your mental health will slowly improve when you get rid of this fucker.

Your DS - I would ring the GP this week and ask for advice. He shouldn't be smearing poo because it is very unhygienic. I taught primary school for years and all the poo smearers were on the autistic spectrum. That is not to say that your DS is, but the poo situation and other descriptions of his behaviour would suggest to me that he could be and this should be investigated. In any case a GP would help with suggestions as to how to proceed. This should be your priority.

It could be that DS is acting out feelings to do with the atmosphere in the house caused by DH. It all sounds a bit chaotic - even though you are doing your absolute best - because fucking DH is not contributing to a calm environment. DS sounds like he needs a very calm environment with a lot of routine.

Prioritize DS and starting to get help for him this week from the GP.
Binbags for DH and consider whether you might want to shove all his stuff in binbags and kick him out. He's awful.

Aside from the advice of the nursery and school re: cover stress, it's just occurred to me that your DS's behaviour is so so like that of a stressed animal. We have a cat that marks (wees) when stressed, and also has a tendency to mark things, including beds, belonging to those it doesn't like much (our DC, in your case possibly his sister).

There's also the 'any attention is good attention' idea children have where they will do whatever is needed to get the most reaction from you, even if that is being told off. Making time for extra 121 cuddles and reading etc, with your DS will almost certainly help calm him and may stop him acting out.

As other posters have suggested, 3 year olds like to be given 'important jobs' and tend to be naughty when bored (my otherwise angelic DD used to wreak havoc if bored at 3, including blocking loos and sinks, causing floods etc). Find tasks your DS can do to help you. Give lots of praise.

A tool I use when things are cycling downwards (shouting, naughtiness, more shouting etc) is to ask them to do a tiny job they will like to do, or even find something they've done which is inadvertently good or helpful. Then praise them for it. They smile, the mood goes up, they become more amenable, and things improve.

But these are all sticking plasters. Your DH is your main problem. I'd missed that he was on furlough and wasn't helping on top of his other abusive behaviour. What an absolute wanker and waste of space he is.

Hi, thanks each & every one of you for your messages.
So he wanted to know "what he had done wrong" as I was a bit off with him. So I told him straight and he admits he actually knows I'm knackered, well I asked the question why don't u do anything about it then?! His reply was that there's clearly nothing he can do to help.. Queue violins. Our housing situation isn't great, we're in with in laws just now. I have been over thinking going to my mums, but with all this covid going on, I'm not sure it's the best idea?
Now he's just sitting with a face like a slapped arse.
FML.

Pack the kids up and go.

Hi OP,

In a previous post you said that "I have a voice inside that tells me it's all my fault & I don't deserve anything better."

Please believe that it's not and you do.

We don't share money, his money is his.. And if he buys something that's for me, I need to give him the money back.

Apols if I've missed it, but do you work also? Are you furloughed too? If you're a SAHM and he's the working parent, why aren't your finances joint? Does he give you an allowance?

His reply was that there's clearly nothing he can do to help

"Great, you can start with changing the beds, then you can take the kids for a couple of hours to give me a break, and it's definitely your turn to cook dinner tonight."