Or am I reasonable to lose my shit?!

[Killedherhusbandwhackedhim]

Nm's help me before I lose my shit.
Where do I start - OK, my DS (3) seems to have become this feral child. I have no idea why. I'm trying to juggle the world on my shoulders it feels like.. I'm cooking every meal, cleaning/tidying every room, homeschooling my DD, the washing is unbelievable! I'm trying to interact/play with the kids and keep them happy, I'm up around 5am every morning with DS.. I do have a husband - but I've lost count of how many times I have asked him to help me. You know, even just getting out the kids pj's whilst I'm bathing them? He needs prompted on anything he actually does do, and even then he half arses it so I have to do it anyway. His excuse is "well I don't ask you to clean up" no he doesn't but I'm not going to allow my kids to live in a tip! Not to mention I suffer with bad mental health, which I'm on heavy medication and therapy for.. And most days I have to peel myself out of bed and put on a smile. Anyway - back to DS, I am struggling with him, he's began pooing and peeing in the garden (he's fully toilet trained) he will pee on his sisters bed through the day, on purpose, some days we don't know until DD gets into bed. He takes any opportunity to get himself into something he shouldn't be, he's drawn on the walls, he blocks the toilet on purpose with toilet roll, he wipes poo over the sink with his hands, he won't eat the meals I make, he has been nipping/biting, he knocked my husbands pc off the desk, he has been told multiple times about these things, toilet roll put up high but then my DD can't get it, he's punished by being sat on the step for 1 minute and then given the opportunity to apologise and if not, another minute. I've tried cooking meals with him so he understands what he's getting or making fun shapes out the food ect, Im desperately trying but failing it seems. Then I have a husband who doesn't seem to respect me at all, he plays pc all night long and wakes me up multiple times with his noise, I ask him to drive appropriately and he still puts the foot down and speeds to race other drivers - I ask him to do something he won't answer and if I ask him again he will take my head off and say yes I heard you!!
I'm sorry to have written such a long post thank you for anyone who read through it.

Bless you OP. You are doing an amazing job. Raising kids and dealing with a useless partner all in the midst of a global pandemic. Keep asking for help with your son. Agree that GP will be able to help. Give women's aid a call too. You sound knackered.

Sorry this is awful

@ShambalaHambala yes - this is exactly what he does!!

I've had the conversation.. More times than I can count. He says sorry, he will try.. Lasts a day, then back to the same shit.

I've been there and honestly, you need to make it 100% clear that you are not prepared to carry on like this. I asked my DH to leave and said he could come back if he was prepared to make the changes required. He left for 3 nights, had a really think think about it all, then apologised properly to me, we had many massive chats about moving forward, and he signed up for therapy.

The thing is, I meant it. Unless he was prepared to make more effort then I was, not exactly happy, but prepared to end our relationship.

Everyone in the house is happier now.

I am knackered, I really am, I feel tired all day every day. I just want to curl up in a ball. Its all getting on top of me.

It's a form of emotional abuse. It's draining and really hard to recognise as abuse as it becomes so normal. I am not surprised that you describe yourself as feeling the way you do. Take a look at Pat Craven's 'living with the dominator' and see if it helps you identify any further behaviours.

Your little boy sounds just like my little boy ... only my little boy just got diagnosed with autism. May I ask how is your son's language development?

My son does smearing, therapists recommend lots of sensory messy play to fill the sensory need before he fills it himself as it were! Living with smearing is really hard work. My son always does more destruction to his environment when he's sick of being stuck inside and has started up again since lockdown began.

My only thought at the moment is thank god I'm not locked down with my ex. I really feel for you dear. I have had physical abuse and emotional abuse and emotional abuse is really bad. Don't assume you will keep being able to cope with it for ever. It will change you.

If your son does have special need you should try to find out as this is how you can access support for his behaviour and funding to help pay for all the things he will destroy with his behavior!

And it is normal for the abuser to blame the woman. It is part of the emotional abuse and recognised under law. If you had done that (eg tidy up, said the "wrong" thing I wouldn't have done this form of abuse towards you (verbal abuse, shouting, hit you, driven dangerously etc)

I've had the conversation.. More times than I can count. He says sorry, he will try.. Lasts a day, then back to the same shit.

I disagree with other PPs saying you have to do x, y and z and mean it and give him ultimatums. You don’t. You need to leave or ask him to leave. He won’t change. He doesn’t respect you. He never will.

Usually I’m not one for shouting LTB but in this case it’s the only way. He won’t change.

Your children are already showing signs of being affected by this.

How will you explain to your children in years to come why you stayed in a relationship like this?

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/freedomprog-chapter2.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiwxKexqZzpAhUdURUIHQvIBtcQFjAAegQIBBAC&usg=AOvVaw1dEujOUZU8zjZLJX5Uo1yH&cshid=1588668089172 this is the PDF.

@Professer - his language is brillaint, advanced for his age I think, sometimes he speaks and I think wow!! Where did you hear that?! I don't have a huge understanding of Autism but I imagine it's tough, well done you.

Professor sorry should have mentioned that group too. There can be a real overlap between the symptoms of trauma and autism. My child never cracked toileting and it has increased during lockdown rather than suddenly become an issue. I jumped to trauma because of what was described before that.

My child is incredible verbal so doesn't always indicate whether autistic of not. Still highly recommend phoning GP and women's aid

Your DS is attention seeking and I’d say it’s because he’s not getting enough attention. Since your DH is clearly an arsehole you are the only one who can do it. I understand what you say about mess and your mental health, but if you don’t get your son sorted you will be facing a much bigger problem than mess - as it is you’re having to do loads of extra work like changing sheets and clearing up poo. So steel yourself. First thing in the morning, chuck all DH’s crap in a carrier bag - clothes, bottles, wrappers, the lot - and put out of the way somewhere (the bin?). You’ll have to wash any crockery but that’s it. Meals for you and children and dead simple - beans on toast, eggs on toast, pasta pesto, sandwiches - whatever is easiest and quickest. DS doesn’t want - fine, bread and butter or go hungry. Allow lots of fruit just don’t let him substitute meals with biscuits. The rest of the time spend with the kids and particularly glue yourself to DS so then he can’t misbehave. If he does, proper time outs or other penalties, lots of praise and attention the rest of the time. Hard work and it will be tough letting the housework go but you will see an improvement in DS I’m sure. Ignore your husband.

I have divorced parents - my dad passed away a few years ago, but the divorce was tough and took a lot out of me, it scares me that it that's the road I go down, my kids will blame me.

The DH is the problem. As others have said before seek help, his behaviour towards you is not normal/right/respectful or helpful to you at all.

Your child is showing signs of distress or possible SEN. Spend time with him. Leave your husband to sort himself out. If he keeps you awake gaming all night does that mean he isn't working during the day? What does he do to contribute towards keeping the household running/looking after children?

OP, this sounds dreadful.

Honestly, I think you have a husband problem. Your son is only three years old. He sees your husband not listening to you, not respecting you, making mess in the house which you then have to clear up.

It seems to me that the most likely reason why your son is becoming a "feral" child is because your husband is a feral adult and your son is imitating his behaviour.

What do you get out of this relationship?

I know screaming "LTB" is much easier said than done, but do you not think you might find it a little easier to discipline your son and teach him to treat you, his sister and your home with respect if there isn't a man around the place teaching him the opposite?

Your kids will not blame you.
You’ll be giving yourself and your children a better life.
Sorry you’re going through this but changes need to be made soon OP.

He's not working at the moment, he is furloughed. Not a lot sadly, he sits on his phone texting or playing games.. Or he will sit on his pc and tell me he does it because he's bored and i can't expect him to sit about bored can I?!

Comments and input so far have all been massively helpful, thank you all x

I tried women's aid when I was with my ex and they are very helpful with recognising when abuse is happening and in cases of physical danger they can help you reach safety very well.

However in my case I had no-where to take my kids and wasn't in physical danger. They could only help with organising a refuge for me and the kids but in all honesty a refuge is not somewhere to take your kids if you can possibly avoid it. There was other families there some of which the woman was verbally abusing the kids all day. We were removed from our support network and moved to a place 30 miles from our family and nursery. We were not allowed visitors or to tell anyone where we lived. We had to eat communally with these other people and live under a curfew.

That's when I thought "nah, this isn't justice for my kids. They will have their own home and you can be the one to be displaced. Thank you very much."

Yanbu, you are in a sinking ship.

Your DH is a big problem, but you know that. Why is he up all night on the computer? What is he doing? Why is his dirty boxer shorts in the living room?

A major red flag in all this though is the behaviour of your son...

Anyway - back to DS, I am struggling with him, he's began pooing and peeing in the garden (he's fully toilet trained) he will pee on his sisters bed through the day, on purpose, some days we don't know until DD gets into bed. He takes any opportunity to get himself into something he shouldn't be, he's drawn on the walls, he blocks the toilet on purpose with toilet roll, he wipes poo over the sink with his hands

This is not 'normal' behaviour and is often indicative of severe distress or trauma (assuming no SEN)

Something is affecting your DS in a severe way and he must be your priority right now.

I'd be inclined to separate from your other half just now and see if your ds behaviour improves.

Put all the stuff he leaves laying around in his car.

We don't share money, his money is his.. And if he buys something that's for me, I need to give him the money back.

This is also not normal.

I only read your OP when I posted my first reply but your updates are concerning. Your husband sounds like a really unpleasant, emotionally and financially abusive bully. Your life will improve immeasurably if you leave him.

He doesn't need to be 'bored' though OP he could be playing with your children, helping with the cooking and cleaning.....

'bored' is a comment that many teens use.