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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to always feel on the outside looking in.

166 replies

lucyellensmum · 17/09/2007 15:19

Honestly, i feel like a social bloody paraih. Its back to M&T time etc and i was looking forward to it, but today i got a reminder of how shit these things make me feel. Went to baby music, now this is very alpha mummy boden wearing cliqey and not anything i thought i would enjoy but DD LOVES it, so we go religeously. There is a cafe in the centre and i often go there for a coffee, why is it then that i am sat there on a table on my own with DD, whilst the place throngs with other mothers who seem to have so much to say to each other. Dont get me wrong, people arent horrible to me or anything, perfectly pleasant and friendly, i just can seem to get past the small talk and oh, how is DD stage, i do all that and they move on. This is like being back at school but worse, because now i am worried that my DD is going to mis out on forming little friendships as i can't seem to get other mothers to see me as anything other than the tired, scruffy looking mother who sits in the corner talking to her two year old.

OP posts:
Vikkin · 18/09/2007 15:08

Sorry Fido, only just checked in.
The trampolining is I think on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We go Thursday. Age 5-15 but all are beginners. The trampolines are fullsize, so dd a bit nervous first of all. I am determined to DO more with the kids this term so have seen the inside of that leisure centre more times in the last 3 weeks than in the last 3 years since it opened!
Lucyellensmum - how did it go?
I must say I had this thread in mind at the gates this morning, was looking out for our special sign but no takers.

Vikkin · 18/09/2007 15:15

And also, some congrats due to me for my handling of this one...
Dd has not been invited to the first birthday party of the term. She is not too aware of this, so not bothered. It is a bowling party so I know these things cost about a tenner a child, you cannot take the whole class. (TBH I would have expected this child to ask my dd, but no matter, I do not think his mum likes me all that much. Not many people do.)
BUT none of the other mums know how to get to the party, so there I am dispensing advice on buses, parking, etc - in front of the mum who is hosting the party.
How's that for largesse!!

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 18/09/2007 15:24

Well.............um............LEM feels a litte sheepish

Gets to M&T and there was a lady who i "know" as DD went to her dd's 2nd birthday party. This little girl came running up to me, completely out of the blue, and gave me a big cuddle - i was gobsmacked, pleasantly so - what a little cutie. It sparked off a really nice chat with the mum, who is really nice, very pretty but she looked tired and scruffy this morning because she had had a bad few nights with her DD. So we had a great time today AND we made a caterpillar Had a couple of nice chats with a few mums and i realised i guess that is pretty much what everyone else was doing, and maybe im not missing out on some great social underworld that i cannot infiltrate. (of course i have increased my medication today as well). I was really taken aback by how sweet this little girl was, she had said to her mummy, look there is lucy and her mummy i am going to see them (choked).

Funnily enough there was someone from antenatal group there, it was her first day and i did my best to make her feel welcome but to be honest she seemed not to really want to talk to me (walked off to talk to someone else at first excuse). I'm sure she is very nice, just i guess im not her type. I wasnt put off though as i found plenty of other people to talk to.

So from now on, im going to be pushy and interested in everyone else and talk to who i feel i would like to find out about, rather than waiting for them to come to me - ooh, this prozac malarchy is great.

I'm having a stressful afternoon though, because my little dog is sick on a drip in the vets and may have to have an op tomorrow, poor wee soul is only 6 months old and he is basically my little bud, so very worried about him

OP posts:
hotcrossbunny · 18/09/2007 15:26

I'm getting this at the school gates
I know a couple of faces, but no-one really well. Everyone seems to stick like glue in groups and can't stretch to include one more (me). I've smiled til my cheeks hurt, asked questions about their dcs, where they live etc. I'm lucky if they even answer
I'm beginning to wonder if we've made a terrible mistake choosing this school.
There seem to be 3 distinct groups - bodenesque mummies, working parents who haven't time to chat(not their fault!) and the others who are the opposite end of the boden spectrum (can't think of tactful description, but the ones shouting at their kids and handing them fruit shoots as they come out).
I'm a very ordinary mum, not glamorous or terribly outgoing. I don't spot many like me... but its early days and no doubt dd will make some friends and it will come. But I'm missing familiar faces..
Hope M & T went better lucyellensmum. I would talk to you if I was there....

hotcrossbunny · 18/09/2007 15:29

X-post. Well done for this am! So sorry to hear about your doggie. I would be distraught. Our dog is completely part of the family and I hate it when he is ill.
Hope he goes on ok, we're here if you need some support.

Fimbo · 18/09/2007 15:30

By nurseyemma on Mon 17-Sep-07 21:43:52
I can swing either way frozen solid with shyness or verbal diarrhea, depends how nervous I feel....

That sums up me exactly - and the exact reason I wouldn't go to the London Christmas meet-up

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 18/09/2007 15:32

By lololola on Tue 18-Sep-07 13:47:05
yeah i like tired scruffy looking people too, they make me look good. and im as far away from a "boden mum" as you can get. my point was if i saw a tired scruffy person sitting in a corner i wouldnt be drawn to them. im not saying having that sort of look means your not "interesting".

I guess maybe i wouldnt be your type then, as ive always looked scruffy, even when im not tired. I dont think i could be bothered with someone who felt i made them look good or who wasn't drawn to me because my hair is usually shoved in one of DDs hair bands and could do with seeing a proper comb.

Interestingly, the two girls i was talking to this morning are quite possibly the prettiest by far (not that i normally notice these things) and they were pretty scruffy today - i guess they just don't have to try too hard, lucky things

OP posts:
ruby7 · 18/09/2007 15:40

Hi Meg

Sorry, I think this might get lost in the ether. I don't know Enfield. I don't even know where I live! Is there anything good going on down there? XX

babybore · 18/09/2007 16:37

This may seem utterly obvious but I have always found it very easy to become good friends with people really quickly and I think it's because I'm nosey! I ask loads of questions and I'm a good listener. People take well to it. i think that the people who seem up their own arses and aloof are the ones who are most shy and insecure. they can be interesting to crack if you can be bothered. :-)

daydreambeliever · 18/09/2007 16:44

Lucyellensmum, they are all obviously unfriendly. I would never let someone sit on their own at a group thing like that. Im sure youll crack it in the end, but I would never really rate people who could be that unfriendly to an outsider, remember their names and in the future, when you get on better with them, never forget that they are actually baddies and not to be properly trusted.

They sound very insular.

devil · 18/09/2007 16:47

i give my son a drink maybe a FRUIT SHOOT at the end of the day,plus you will never find me shouting at him.
i have looked after children for years,one m&t i went too the mummies did not talk to me for a year.[being a nanny does that] i have mixed with lots of different people and in most cases i have had to make the first move.
i do think the way you dress and present yourself is a big facter.which is such a shame.
it is not what you look like it is whats inside that counts.

MilaMae · 18/09/2007 16:51

I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if this is repetition.

If it was me I'd start looking for other things to join. Not sure I'd want to be friendly with mums who may have noticed somebody on their own and just walked on by. Do you really want to be friendly with that kind of person. I hate that kind of social, in crowd thing, just can't be arsed with it. Just ask yourself if you'd choose to be friendly with that kind of person if none of you had kids.
I've got a strict rule unless my kids adore a child I only hang out with mums I actually like.

I joined loads of things, chatted to anyone I liked the look of (normally the tired scruffy looking types like myself) and have been fortunate enough to have made several little groups of friends and aquantances all lovely. It does take effort though and a non sensitive approach, if you get knocked back who cares ,there are loads of other mums around. Try chatting to the other lonely looking mums I can guarantee you won't be the only one.

Hope this helps.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 18/09/2007 17:02

of coures i would NEVER talk to a mother if i spotted a fruitshoot anywhere near her child, well other than to glean her address so i could report her to social services

OP posts:
hotcrossbunny · 18/09/2007 17:27

Oh god, I knew mentioning (whispered very quietly this time) would backfire
I only meant, and was trying very badly not to be inflammatory, that there are such extremes at dds school, and I'm such a middle-of-the-road mousy sort of person that there is no obvious home for me to crawl into. I'm looking for the tea and cakes(homemade or Mr Kiplings, doesn't matter) type of people. The ones who forget its cake sale day sometimes and rush to the corner shop so dd has something to offer, people who might be slightly dog-haired, who read chick lit and The Kite Runner with equal, if different, enjoyment.
I guess I'm looking for the tired scruffy ones too....

daydreambeliever · 18/09/2007 17:35

But dont forget about the grudges. Perhaps a book of them.Grudges arre like babies, they must be nursed.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 18/09/2007 17:37

hotcrossbunny, i totally agree with you, i only just about have the energy for chick lit these days mind But yes, im always slightly dog haired, the colour of the hair depends on the dog Im always forgetting cake day, non uniform day, etc etc, i even forgot to make the mouse at baby music. DD2's first ever bit of homework and her mummy forgot!!!

Everytime i see fruitshoots i think of MNet I dont think its bad parenting, but i do think they are pretty grim, ive worked out that soft play centres provide them deliberately to counteract the tiredness brought on by all the running around, so the poor parents still have hyperactive kids bouncing off the walls after a two hour bouncing off soft stuff session, you can see the evil glint in the assistants eyes

OP posts:
hotcrossbunny · 18/09/2007 17:50

Yes! Its like pubs put lots of salt in the food to make you drink more. Sorry if you're a pub cook - not you, obviously
There's obviously lots of us about, its just tracking us down thats the problem... Maybe we need a special code...But can't think of anything appropriate. Someone witty will bale me out I'm sure.
Thats another problem I have, I never seem to understand the in jokes, never mind contributing to them. Tumbleweed is a regular occurrence chez moi

beanstalk · 18/09/2007 17:58

Great thread, LEM, so refreshing to hear I'm not the only social lemon I have just moved to a new area and trying to meet new people, not so worried about DD as she is only 8 months so a bit young for friends, but I need friends! I have found turning up extra early works, as if you are first there the next mum to arrive can't avoid talking to you, unless she is really really rude. Have met one lovely friend through being early, just would like a couple more so she doesn't think I'm stalking her, lol!

lololola · 18/09/2007 18:14

lucy, you seem to be suffering from a lack of sense of humour! but, would you honestly go out looking tired and scruffy! how long does it take to put some mascara on. just because you have kids dos'nt mean you have to "give up "

PSCMUM · 18/09/2007 18:17

be american. that is what i did and it worked. just takle a deep breath and barge up to p[eople and introduce yourself andd start talking about the firts thing that pops into your head. you can later receal you are not relaly like that. everyone is in the same boat, eben those who look like they have a million friends invariably feel rubbihs some of the time.

PSCMUM · 18/09/2007 18:17

be american. that is what i did and it worked. just takle a deep breath and barge up to p[eople and introduce yourself andd start talking about the firts thing that pops into your head. you can later receal you are not relaly like that. everyone is in the same boat, eben those who look like they have a million friends invariably feel rubbihs some of the time.

newgirl · 18/09/2007 18:29

hotcross - i like cakes too - maybe that should be a badge

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 18/09/2007 18:49

lolola - i have a perfectly functional sense of humour, and yes i often go out looking a state, ive never really been one for slap even pre baby, in fact my dp often tells me, why would i bother to tart myself up post baby when i never bothered before. I cant help looking tired, if i AM tired.

Actually, i made a concious effort to put some mascara on today, then when i got to M&T i felt conspicious as no one else had bothered, lmao, i was pleased to see this.In fact one of the mothers who i was talking to took great delight in showing me that she had no socks on under her trainers - i found myself warming to her straight away.

I think the over riding consensus here is that appearance shouldnt matter, but then i guess that all depends on your level of vanity, of course, that is meant in good humour

OP posts:
lololola · 18/09/2007 18:56

lucy; well done you for being the only mum at m&t with mascara on ! i would deffinately be drawn to you

UCM · 18/09/2007 19:01

I went to my M&T group recently and there were a little group in the corner chatting happily and I thought I recognise one of them. I had met her on a Mumsnet meet up. After chatting for a few mins, it turned out that her & the group had all met on Netmums . She had left MN as she wasn't that keen.

Being loyal, I puffed up like a big fat bloater, and didn't speak to them again