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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to always feel on the outside looking in.

166 replies

lucyellensmum · 17/09/2007 15:19

Honestly, i feel like a social bloody paraih. Its back to M&T time etc and i was looking forward to it, but today i got a reminder of how shit these things make me feel. Went to baby music, now this is very alpha mummy boden wearing cliqey and not anything i thought i would enjoy but DD LOVES it, so we go religeously. There is a cafe in the centre and i often go there for a coffee, why is it then that i am sat there on a table on my own with DD, whilst the place throngs with other mothers who seem to have so much to say to each other. Dont get me wrong, people arent horrible to me or anything, perfectly pleasant and friendly, i just can seem to get past the small talk and oh, how is DD stage, i do all that and they move on. This is like being back at school but worse, because now i am worried that my DD is going to mis out on forming little friendships as i can't seem to get other mothers to see me as anything other than the tired, scruffy looking mother who sits in the corner talking to her two year old.

OP posts:
nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 21:43

I can swing either way frozen solid with shyness or verbal diarrhea, depends how nervous I feel....

ruby7 · 17/09/2007 21:44

Oh and Lola, I see women who have quite plainly never touched a touche eclat who have lots of mates...

MorocconOil · 17/09/2007 21:45

ruby, they are probably looking at you thinking 'what a lovely Mummy spending time playing a game with her dc'

SleepIsForTheWeak · 17/09/2007 21:48

I have only made good friends with two other mothers -one who sadly has moved away. Both of them I instigated going for a coffee and was genuinely surprised when they agreed! The one I still see often is way more glamorous than me, wealthier, more together, but we get on really well and if she is OK to be friends with me when I feel like I look like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards that is just fine. I guess what I am trying to say is we don't know how people perceive us... I have to say though, that I am the outsider at groups too but TBH most of the other mums I have tried to talk to are happy in their little NCT cliques and not intersted in meeting new people, also they are... well.... boring! I say let's raise a glass to the outsiders for we are the interesting ones!

rantinghousewife · 17/09/2007 21:49

Chin chin and amen to that sleepis...

MegBusset · 17/09/2007 21:50

Ruby7 whereabouts in north London are you?

Vikkin · 17/09/2007 21:54

Well I would feel more inclined to talk to the scruffy, tired looking person. I love tired, scruffy, dog-haired-covered women, especially those with bits of glitter sticking to their fleece, a strange bruise on their cheek inflicted by a marauding child, and a huge handbag full of the most interesting items. Although I draw the line at those with baby barf on their shoulders.
I want fascinating conversation like "so I took the cat out of the toilet and used the toilet brush instead, then I thought well I better take that cat round the vets..."
BTW, where's LEM?!?

madamez · 17/09/2007 21:57

Vikkin: well if you go to Thornton Heath tescos you're not too far from me. Have you tried the Salvation Army toddler group there? Wednesday mornings at about 10-12, not a huge group but reasonably friendly. I used to go there but swapped to the Booth Rd one as it was nearer where we live.
Mind you I'm another one who doesn't work the room that well at M&T's - problems compounded by being about 20 years older than most of the other mums and having Wierd Opinions. But I try to keep up with my pre-parenthood mates, especially as one or two of them have now got DC of their own.

Vikkin · 17/09/2007 22:11

Well my youngest is in Year 1 now, so they would definitely think I was a weirdo if I went to M&T at the Sally, but I do know it, used to go to the kid music thing there some years ago. Now I am doing my 'OK, I'm here, why isn't anyone talking to me' thing at the Beginners Trampolining class in the leisure centre. I'm not bouncing, the Year 1 is.
I have a theory about my own social outcastyness. That is that people just don't know what to make of me. I don't work every day but when I do work I have to dress incredibly smart. So on Monday I might be high-powered career woman, and on Tuesday I'm a dog. I think people just don't understand me and I think I look so scary in posh clothes that they don't want to try.

ruby7 · 17/09/2007 22:12

Hi Meg. I'm in Barnet. I moved here from Highgate in July and am a bit scared! How about you?

nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 22:27

Scruffy/ smart/glam can be any of those things but still feel out of place. If I ever end up at a M+T group again I'll say a friendly hello to a fellow not "in crowd" bod. I'll just keep a keener eye out for you!

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 18/09/2007 08:17

wow - its really not just me then Well i'm off to M&T this morning, i'll let you know how it goes - i wouldnt mind so much if i were a new face, but these women have had two years to decide if i'm worthy of their conversation, of course, it could be that they are not worthy of mine

Thanks everyone for the kind replies, trouble is, in my mind now, its become a bit of a game - i can be a bit naughty like that, hmmmm i might just enjoy M&T today

OP posts:
MegBusset · 18/09/2007 09:36

Ruby7, I'm in Enfield so not too far from you!

fido · 18/09/2007 10:01

Vikkin, I'm in Thornton Heath too! I quite like the sound of the trampolining, when is it on?
Fido

snoozer · 18/09/2007 10:34

Blame it on the fact that i'm American, but my piece of advice is to smile. No yawning. Smile and just say hello to everyone. It will make you seem approachable and likable (which I'm sure you are). And just start talking to people. Be confident and make the assumption that these people would want to be your friend. If you exude confidence people will respond to it.

Do you know the names of the women in the group? Start there. Simple as "Hi, I'm ." They should respond in kind. If you've been in the class for a long time and feel like you should know their names by now, say "Hey I don't think I've actually ever introduced myself. I'm ."

As they say, fake it till you make it!

Godzilla -- too funny. I have a friend who always does stuff like that. She just makes it worse and worse as she goes on, although it's amusing for the rest of us.

mustsleep · 18/09/2007 10:37

well i went into the playground this morning and smiled and said hello and they just blanked me

was going to try and stay in this area whe we moved but now am not so bothered might just say to dh we can move anywhere as ave no friends anyway

LegoLeia · 18/09/2007 10:40

Here's my top tip -

Go on being alone, until someone new turns up!

Be really welcoming and they we will be really happy that someone is nice (because they will have the same worries about being the new one!)

Tada, instant friend, cameraderie for next time (we're new, and a bit nervous!). The next new one can join too and soon you will rule the M&T group! Bwahaha

walbert · 18/09/2007 12:20

And then we shall rule the world (continues legoleias cackling laughter)!!

callipso · 18/09/2007 13:17

lucyellensmum,
I'm like you too, and I worried I'ld somehow pass it on to my dd or she would miss out on friendships. I needn't have worried. She's 7, at school now, and has made plenty of friends. She's quite capable of going and sorting out the other Mums if she wants a play date. I do wonder if I swapped children at some point but my social oddities don't seem to have affected her at all.

sparklesandwine · 18/09/2007 13:28

lucyellensmum - i haven't read the whole thread just the OP really but if you lived near me i'd talk to you - probably talk you to death in fact and bore you senseless

I noticed that you were going to a group this morning with some slap on how did it go?

mind you i think that if that is all that makes the difference to these people then they will probably be quite boring to talk to anyway!

but one bit of advice (if it hasn't already been said) is to ask questions about them as people like the ones you discribe often like to talk about themselves alot

lololola · 18/09/2007 13:47

yeah i like tired scruffy looking people too, they make me look good. and im as far away from a "boden mum" as you can get. my point was if i saw a tired scruffy person sitting in a corner i wouldnt be drawn to them. im not saying having that sort of look means your not "interesting".

MadamePlatypus · 18/09/2007 13:48

Just remember, there are loads of women (like me when I had DS) who work and don't have time to go to M&T groups. Now I am at home with DD (11 months), and I still don't have time to go to M&T groups...

ScottishMummy · 18/09/2007 13:55

completely agree with lucyellensmum OP - sometimes mums and children events it can feel like 6th year common room - you walk in they all stop talking

come and see me we can be scruffy and dishevelled together - honestly!

i think it all feels too sanitised for me all shiny hair and neevr felt low/scared/overwhelmed/badly dressed

well guess what i do and im normal i am

mylastrolo · 18/09/2007 14:34

The weirdest thing ever went to a ballet class with d/d3. Very affluent area this women smiling waving at me. I politely smiled and waved back as you do . "ARe you back again?" I said "I think you must be getting me mixed up!!" chatted anyway, or tried to. "You're not who i thought you were" that was it just walked off ignored me. wtf!! Glad i am not doing mums and tots. There are some right cows out there.

Their loss!!

ScottishMummy · 18/09/2007 15:03

LOL - before i had a baby i thought M&T and baby groups were all friendly empathic chatty Down-to-earth-mummies- eeehhhh not likely

the people i met that i did like i now see independently of any groups