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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to always feel on the outside looking in.

166 replies

lucyellensmum · 17/09/2007 15:19

Honestly, i feel like a social bloody paraih. Its back to M&T time etc and i was looking forward to it, but today i got a reminder of how shit these things make me feel. Went to baby music, now this is very alpha mummy boden wearing cliqey and not anything i thought i would enjoy but DD LOVES it, so we go religeously. There is a cafe in the centre and i often go there for a coffee, why is it then that i am sat there on a table on my own with DD, whilst the place throngs with other mothers who seem to have so much to say to each other. Dont get me wrong, people arent horrible to me or anything, perfectly pleasant and friendly, i just can seem to get past the small talk and oh, how is DD stage, i do all that and they move on. This is like being back at school but worse, because now i am worried that my DD is going to mis out on forming little friendships as i can't seem to get other mothers to see me as anything other than the tired, scruffy looking mother who sits in the corner talking to her two year old.

OP posts:
kerala · 17/09/2007 20:53

Am frantically scribbling down the tips for making friends at M&T groups as about to move 100 miles away from the mum friends I made when dd born.

My NCT group has been abit of a mainstay, although even there was one woman who would make lunch dates in front of other people ie me with the mum she had chosen as her target friend. Surely this is really really rude?

rantinghousewife · 17/09/2007 20:57

In answer to the dcs friends, I was always working when ds was at school (was a single mum at the time) so he rarely had playdates or any of that stuff but, he did have friends at school. The fact that we didn't share a social circle certainly didn't hold him back.

nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 20:58

I'm South Manc could do somewhere in between?

nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 21:00

Agree with Lazylinepainterjane, me too awkward with small talk but find outpourings of intimate personal details too unnerving too early on.

Some peeps you just click with just difficult to root them out.

GodzillasBumcheek · 17/09/2007 21:00

This kind of thing may put some people off...
Was waiting to pick up the twins outside school. their friend's dad came up to me.

Friend'sDad "Hi, your daughters are friends with my Abbi aren't they?"

Me "Yes i think so"

Friend'sDad "Well we were wondering if they would want to come over to our house to play after school one night next week"

Me "Yes, i'm sure they would," turning to dd2 who was out first, "wouldn't you?"

Friend'sDad "Well as i said it won't be this week as we're busy but next week would be ok and we can arrange it then"

Me (panicking as i've just realised we are having a few problems with space at the moment - 5 people in a 2bed house, one of whom is a baby so all the things the older girls can play with are in their room, which is quite cramped) "Er, well, you do realise that we probably won't be able to invite her back to ours in return because we haven't got much space"

Friend'sDad "Well, neither have we, but that doesn't stop us does it Abbi?"

Me (panicking even more) "Well just so you realise because some people have stopped inviting them when they realise that i can't invite their kids back to ours..."

Conversation ends with him saying he'll give Abbi his phone number so we can arrange things. Haven't heard from him since! Surprise!
If anyone can beat THAT story of absolute social ineptitude i will hug them. And i don't hug.

walbert · 17/09/2007 21:05

Where's south mancs? I know the m62 has aturn off where you go through the bit where it has a little marks and sparks: posh jewish area? Whats a good halfway point ?(said the dunce!)

rantinghousewife · 17/09/2007 21:06

Well I would love to join your gathering but, I would have to come by train and I'm about 200 miles south of you.

nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 21:08

South Manc, Withington/Didsbury area. Where you are talking about is prestwich, that's not halfway tho! V biased towards my end quite far from Wakey not sure where is nice inbetween tho?

MorocconOil · 17/09/2007 21:11

It sounds like it is quite common for people to be really rude. I don't think some of them have much empathy or awareness that at baby/toddler groups, there are people who may be feeling quite low or isolated and in need of friendship and support.

rantinghousewife · 17/09/2007 21:14

Mimizan, I think it depends on the group itself, iyswim. I've been to M&t groups that were horrendously cliquey, was in the end lucky enough to find one that felt just right. That's not to say that it was swimmingly easy to, just that the people there were down to earth and I felt comfortable there.

Lucycat · 17/09/2007 21:16

ooh hello nurseyemma - there are quite a few of us in the Stockport area - some with little ones too.

I'm sooo glad that dd is at school and i don't have to sit through interminable M&T groups, smiling inanely and drinking too much tea.

walbert · 17/09/2007 21:17

Nurseyemma, keep an eye on the thread, i'll ask dh when he gets in from work, we shall norma no mate together!

nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 21:17

I think when I was in that situation I thought i was the only one and JUST NOT FITTING IN on reflection there are probably always a few people who could do with a smile and a chat you just get so wrapped up in your own anxiety that you don't see who might want company which is a shame.

nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 21:18

Walbert just to let you know I'm a working mum and only have every other Tuesday off so can't be v flexible I'm afraid

nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 21:20

Really was unaware of Stocport posse! Have never ventured into the world of internet meet ups before too scared, pleased to hear ther are some of you nearby!

walbert · 17/09/2007 21:21

Tell you what, we'll try and meet up, but we can always mumsnett and email to have agood rant plusthen i definately won't have to comb my hair

Vinegar · 17/09/2007 21:21

I think it can be really hard to make friends at these M&T places. Some people find it effortless, but I don't think the majority of people do. I was so desperately lonely for the first two years of dd's life. I had no family nearby and dh was working away from home. I tried chatting to some mums, but they weren't interested in taking it further. I could see them inviting each other to their homes or parties and it used to make me feel really depressed and question what was wrong with me that made people not want to know.
Once dd started school I made a really good friend(another mum from the school). It really has made a huge difference to my life. I find now that I am not so desperate for friends that I do get asked out to alot more things. Things can really turn around when you meet the right person, till then just keep up the small talk, you never know.

MorocconOil · 17/09/2007 21:22

Agreed Ranting. It took me about 6 years to find a group I feel really comfortable at. It wasn't as friendly 2 years ago, but then a few women left when their DC started school and the atmosphere changed completely. I think the problem is probably when groups become too cliquey, so it's important to try and be as welcoming as possible to new people.

nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 21:23

Cool walbert send me an email and can chat and rant when we fancy it!

lololola · 17/09/2007 21:28

hi lucy, do u really look tired & scruffy? because if u do thats probably why no one talks to you. and stop sitting in the corner! im really not trying to be funny here, i mean it. people tend to want to mix with people like themselves, so maybe you should try other places, but personally as long as my child was having fun, i really wouldnt give a toss that no one spoke to me.

rantinghousewife · 17/09/2007 21:34

Oh oh, boden mummy alert!

walbert · 17/09/2007 21:35

nurseyemma, are you on te CAT (contact a mumsnetter? ) coz i'm not and it's £5 which i ain't coughing up if no one's there!

nurseyemma · 17/09/2007 21:37

Sorry no not on it and didn't realise it was £5! [email protected]

walbert · 17/09/2007 21:39

Righty oh! Compooter ow has no battery power left so will email you v shortly, hopefully tomorrow!

Norma no mates meet ups are still encouraged everyone!

ruby7 · 17/09/2007 21:41

This is a great thread. I've just moved to a new area and went to the playground next to our house last Friday, and there were groups of women all sitting around together, laughing their heads off while their kids all frolicked in the sunshine. And my DS and I tried to find some space on the slide and he went all shy and I felt like an arse, trying not to look longingly at groups of chums all hanging out together.

And I hate going to playgrounds anywhere coz I feel like everyone is looking at me, having to play icecream shops with my DS on our own.

And I'm a sociable person, who probably 'shares' too much though eeek...