Nasty comment

[Marmunia1975]

My friend lives some 200 miles away but we text via What's App every day. She has stage four breast cancer and has been undergoing gruelling treatment for four years. I check in almost every day to make sure she is ok - she is Christian and very devout. I changed my phone this weekend and I wasn't able to text or send messages. However, when I did get my texts up and running, I discovered the message - Thanks for checking up on me Susan (Susan is not my name and I've no idea who Susan is!!) You're the only one bothering HA HA. I was stunned. When my dad was very ill and dying, she switched off her phone for two weeks due to mental health reasons (I was unaware she had mental health issues!) Then when my dad did die, she missed the frigging funeral as I was unable to contact her. I'm the least confrontational person, but AIBU to reply to this? I've already explained the change of phone, and apologised.

Maybe you could say I think you sent this to me by mistake. I'm sorry to learn you feel this way.

But tbh I'd leave it. She's going through what must be a terrible time and I think it's better to be kind and rise above it.

Why are you asking AIBU when you've already replied?

I'd just respond "I think you must have sent this to me by mistake". I wouldn't comment on it at all.

Any chance she did it deliberately to pretend she sent it to a Susan because she wanted to let you know she isn't happy with you having been incommunicado?

That’s what she has been like - sending so called group texts that are directed at me. Pretty harsh as I wasn’t able to check in for about 36 hours.

Has she always been like this? Pre-cancer diagnosis, I mean.

I'd say - I apologised and explained the no contact messages but was a little hurt from your message , I know your going through a lot and I'm here for you . I'd hope you'd know that if I haven't contacted you there is a very good reason .
Then leave it at that she is going through a lot but if she's a friend she will say sorry I was having a bad day .
I do think it odd that you have to contact her every day as 36 hours is hardly a long time to not contact a friend no matter if she's ill or not .

Thanks! Yes she was always very paranoid and if we were sitting chatting she’d be convinced people were listening to her so we had to talk low. She always believed people were plotting against her and she’s made so many enemies at her workplace. She is now convinced she will be sent to work on the frontline as her team are being redeployed to frontline work. She is now convinced she will be working on a Covid ward!!! With stage 4 cancer I think not.

Sounds like her mental health is as bad as her physical health. I'd leave it

Presumably she meant to send it to someone called Susan, not you.

Sounds like nothing you say will make any difference in terms of making her think about what she’s said then, and likely will only fan the flames.

Stop being a walkover and stop calling someone who cares not a jot about you and yours ..

Stage 4 cancer? Are you sure?
Something just didn't sound right, don't know what..... people do lie about this.

Maybe sounding harsh here, I wouldn’t make allowances for her diagnosis. Some people are just idiots! Sounds as though she was an idiot before cancer.

Sounds like she is struggling, I would let it go

I think you should go NC

No disrespect to her if it is true, but Stage 4 Cancer for four years???? Maybe I’m naive but I didn’t think you could continue that long if you have Stage 4??

I hope I’m wrong!

Yes she has had it since April 2016. She has had faith healing etc...but doesn't give much away about how extensive it is. She is still travelling though (well the last holiday was December).

Ah the old “sent by mistake” text, that happens to tell you what they think of you.

If this was a genuine mistake, she would be MORTIFIED, and falling over herself to explain why she was telling “Susan” that she was the only one who cared, when you in fact text every day.

Shes not your mate really. Friends don't act like that.

In all the years I've known her, I have no idea who Susan is! Definitely feels like a deliberately directed text.

Hmm. Cancer or not she doesn’t sound very nice.

I'm a nurse. You can't possibly be alive with stage 4 breast cancer 4years later..... I think you need to quit investing in this friendship keep it free and easy and rise above the manipulation attempts

@HavenDilemma stage 4 can go for over a decade if stable and responds well to treatment. Usually 1 in 6 still with us after 5 years and 1 in 12 after 10 years. It usually just means the cancer has spread to many areas of the body and will never go into remission. Treatments today are much more advanced and life expectancy has increased a lot in the last decade even.

OP she’s been very rude but sounds quite narcissistic, so might not take you pulling her up on her rudeness well or even seriously. Do you feel like you would be in touch as much if she didn’t have the cancer diagnosis?

@Brownyblonde are you an oncology nurse? Someone close to me has had stage 4 that was diagnosed in 2015. Just because OPs friend is self important and rude doesn’t mean she’s faking it.

We always texted every day and when she was diagnosed, I was one of the few who was there for her. She complained about no one caring and she lost a lot of friends, claiming they avoided her because of the diagnosis. However, she was there for me when my dad was ill, but when I texted her daily updates, she said she was switching her phone off for two weeks. She sent another 'group' text to say she was taking a break, but I know it's because I was needing her help as I was distraught. When my dad died, she wasn't there for me, and only found out days after the funeral when she texted: Hey I'm back!!! I'm sure your dad is doing well.'