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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nasty comment

110 replies

Marmunia1975 · 04/05/2020 16:21

My friend lives some 200 miles away but we text via What's App every day. She has stage four breast cancer and has been undergoing gruelling treatment for four years. I check in almost every day to make sure she is ok - she is Christian and very devout. I changed my phone this weekend and I wasn't able to text or send messages. However, when I did get my texts up and running, I discovered the message - Thanks for checking up on me Susan (Susan is not my name and I've no idea who Susan is!!) You're the only one bothering HA HA. I was stunned. When my dad was very ill and dying, she switched off her phone for two weeks due to mental health reasons (I was unaware she had mental health issues!) Then when my dad did die, she missed the frigging funeral as I was unable to contact her. I'm the least confrontational person, but AIBU to reply to this? I've already explained the change of phone, and apologised.

OP posts:
ChiaraRimini · 04/05/2020 19:53

Just because someone has cancer doesn't make them a nice person.
Spend your energy on other people who appreciate you more OP.

TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 19:56
  1. She is not your friend.
  2. She does not have stage 4 cancer.
  3. Faith healing. Riiiight.
  4. She doesn't give much away about her cancer. I'll bet she doesn't.
  5. Be less gullible.
  6. Be less doormat.
  7. Send a text "OMG, Mary, did you read that article Susan sent us about scammers who fake serious illness?" (This assumes she is not called Mary).
Eddielzzard · 04/05/2020 20:03

She sounds utterly awful.

littlejalapeno · 04/05/2020 20:04

After reading your update it sounds like a very one sided friendship. I wouldn’t be able to forgive someone who was that absent when I needed support and then that fake about it after. It sounds like you’re upset but have put it to one side, perhaps this response is a step too far for you... I would be backing away from the relationship and not responding. She’ll probably then have a disaster to draw you back in. And if that’s the case, run.

Do you actually get anything out of the friendship? I’m all for being a nice person and giving people the benefit of the doubt, but if you can’t express to her that she has hurt you, and if she minimises you’re feelings and is absent when you need support she doesn’t sound like a friend, but a bit of a user and abuser. You definitely don’t need friends like that, no matter their needs and life trials. You sound like a nice person, conserve your energy for yourself and the people who deserve it.

Mary1935 · 04/05/2020 20:05

She is the problem here.
She is not very nice. When someone says every one else is the problem and they are fault free - they are the problem.
Is she attention seeking.
She doesn’t seem to be able to keep friends by the sounds of it.
She didn’t support you but expects support.
She sounds very very selfish and it’s a one sided friendship.
Distance yourself. You are not responsible for her.

ChrisPrattsFace · 04/05/2020 20:06

My sister in law is the same, but on Facebook. ‘Not one person as bothered to ask if I’m ok in weeks’ etc when my mum messages her and drops round almost every day.
I would just say it must have been a mix up as you check in almost daily with her and leave the awkwardness in her court!

DarklyDreamingDexter · 04/05/2020 20:07

I’d reply saying something like “You’ve sent this to me rather than Susan. Sorry you feel this way, but if you haven’t noticed me checking in on you almost everyday for the past four years, apart from when I changed phones recently, it makes me feel like I shouldn’t bother at all.” Then see how she responds. If she’s apologises, fine, maybe it was a mistake. If she responds in a nasty way, reduce contact or go NC. Just because she has cancer doesn’t stop her being a rude, ungrateful cow. You don’t deserve to be treated like a doormat by anyone.

StoneofDestiny · 04/05/2020 20:09

TorkTork has it nailed

ScarletFever · 04/05/2020 20:10

as you have no idea who susan is, is it possible the name got autocorrected?

DarkDarkNight · 04/05/2020 20:10

Any chance she did it deliberately to pretend she sent it to a Susan because she wanted to let you know she isn't happy with you having been incommunicado?

I would say this is what happened.

It’s a sad situation, but you are not her emotional crutch. She cannot expect people’s lives to revolve around her. She obviously has other people who check on her so I would cut back to what feels right for you. As someone who turned her phone off when you were really suffering she should understand shouldn’t she?

Tootletum · 04/05/2020 20:12

She sounds irredeemably weird and selfish. Just cut her off, the fact she's ill is no excuse.

wildcherries · 04/05/2020 20:13

TorkTork has it.

Leflic · 04/05/2020 20:22

Pull her up on it.
Just -that last message was very rude, I don’t appreciate it.
She can either apologise or throw a wobbler.If she tries to throw it back on you, then just say the friendships obviously not working and job done.

iano · 04/05/2020 20:22

Whether or not she has cancer she's being an arse to you. You don't have to let her. Call her out. I like @DarklyDreamingDexter's response. That'll put her on the back foot.

Lifeisconfusing · 04/05/2020 20:28

If she is a Christian she should not that childish behaviour like this is not acceptable.

rayoflightboy · 04/05/2020 20:28

Shes not a nice person.Even if she sent it to you instead of "Susan" by accident.Shes talking about you behind your back.

And turning her phone off when your df died,she still kept it about her.

I wouldnt bother with her.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 04/05/2020 20:32

Of course people can live with stage 4 cancer for more than 4 years...i wish people would check their facts before they post rubbish on here !!!

LesleysChestnutBob · 04/05/2020 20:37

I would have cut her off when she disappeared when you needed her most. Sounds like an emotional vampire

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/05/2020 20:39

What do you get out of this friendship ?

Gawdsake2020 · 04/05/2020 20:43

I would just block her number.

Happymum12345 · 04/05/2020 20:43

Your friend sounds troubled. You know she has mental health problems & along with cancer, her life must be very hard. I would let her know you’re there for her. You sound like a good friend.

Littlemeadow123 · 04/05/2020 20:43

What is the fact that she is a christian got to do with anything? Just curious.

To be fair, she must be going through an awful time and that can make us say and do things that are nasty/out of character.

YinMnBlue · 04/05/2020 20:44

"HA HA! You know I had no phone for 3 days so glad Susan is checking up, whoever she is - HA HA!"

DanielRicciardosSmile · 04/05/2020 20:44

My cousin had stage 4 for a little over 5 years before she died, so yes it's perfectly possible.

I don't think Susan exists though, and your "friend" is being a passive aggressive arse.

Original poster
Marmunia1975 · 04/05/2020 20:45

Thanks for all the help. I will go silent for a week or so. We had a lot in common through work and hobbies and she was very supportive, but she has had these weird wobbles recently.

OP posts: