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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nasty comment

110 replies

Marmunia1975 · 04/05/2020 16:21

My friend lives some 200 miles away but we text via What's App every day. She has stage four breast cancer and has been undergoing gruelling treatment for four years. I check in almost every day to make sure she is ok - she is Christian and very devout. I changed my phone this weekend and I wasn't able to text or send messages. However, when I did get my texts up and running, I discovered the message - Thanks for checking up on me Susan (Susan is not my name and I've no idea who Susan is!!) You're the only one bothering HA HA. I was stunned. When my dad was very ill and dying, she switched off her phone for two weeks due to mental health reasons (I was unaware she had mental health issues!) Then when my dad did die, she missed the frigging funeral as I was unable to contact her. I'm the least confrontational person, but AIBU to reply to this? I've already explained the change of phone, and apologised.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2020 22:00

Ive known quite a few people who've died from cancer and there's always a level of personality change. Sometimes it's the pain killers.

Don't take the advice on here, support her to the end.

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2020 22:03

@Brownyblonde, you obviously have gaps in your training, or aren't up to date. Don't use your Nurse status to give incorrect medical advice. There's massive advances in csncer care and some people live better than others with it.

43abc · 04/05/2020 22:09

Oh please don’t mention the text , I think you’d regret any fall out with your friend. She cannot help having erratic behaviour her brain isn’t functioning properly. Be kind and understanding for now, you’ll be glad you were and I’m sure she’ll be very grateful.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 04/05/2020 22:11

Kris Hallenga the founder of Coppafeel has been living with stage 4 breast cancer for over 10 years.

magicfarawaytrees · 04/05/2020 22:22

Oh gosh, I agree it’s not nice but be there for her please.

Regardless of whether it’s in her brain or not, I think having stage 4 cancer gives you the right to be a bit of an arse at times. I certainly would be.

And those saying you should accuse her of lying- please don’t. Unless someone is gaining from you financially due to the illness that accusation never ever needs saying to anyone in case it’s wrong. I can’t imagine anything more hurtful if it is.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/05/2020 22:28

Thanks - helps me see this in perspective. She chooses to keep working although she really shouldn't. I'm not sure how long she has left and I don't want to ask. She may already know.

Still buying into her bullshit then ?

Peppafrig · 04/05/2020 22:30

Maybe she is a making out no one checks up on her so Susan keeps messaging her. Could she be lonely .

Original poster

Marmunia1975 · 04/05/2020 22:31

What worries me is that she has little time left. Her behaviour when I last saw her at Christmas was erratic and she was very uninhibited, talking freely to people and making jokes loudly and even talking about people's appearances. She was paranoid before the cancer diagnosis, but this is just magnified.

Thank you for the useful comments.

OP posts:

kateluvscats · 04/05/2020 22:33

Has she brain mets, it may explain some of the personality quirks?

expat101 · 04/05/2020 22:34

This reminds me of a Dr Phil episode where a woman was sure she was being followed and ''they'' were trying to kill her (more than once). Her Daughter was on the episode too, I think she called Dr Phil for advice to begin with.

Anyhow Dr Phil's team went to her house and it was a very mouldy damp home. They were able to measure the type of mould etc and basically Dr Phil said this was affecting her thinking at a serious level and that the Mother wasn't lying, that she truly believed she was being followed with a view to being killed.

I miss the end bit, but they def. blamed it on the mould and readings inside the house.

Could this be something along the lines of what is happening to your friend?

Peppafrig · 04/05/2020 22:34

I know someone who had brain cancer and their personality changed at the end. Started to think everyone was out to get them including the lovely nurses. This man was a gentle giant before and would go out of his way to help anyone. He obviously had no control over his behaviour. It wasn't him .

DoreensEatingHerSoreen · 04/05/2020 22:53

I have stage 4 breast cancer
I was diagnosed as stage 4 a year ago and I'm doing really well - I have friends at support groups who have been living well with this disease for many years - some on my particular treatment have been stage 4 for 15 years plus and I have every hope of joining their ranks! (I'm only 34)
A lot of info that has been banded around non this thread is completely inaccurate.
Yes of course people who's cancer spreads to the brain may experience personality changes but many don't - I know a few ladies that died peacefully in recent months after living well and working with brain mets for many years - there's was not a "horrible end"
I've no idea what's going on with your friend OP but I would suggest simply asking her

DoreensEatingHerSoreen · 04/05/2020 23:03

Also I work full time (bills to pay, child to raise etc) I do wish people would check out the facts (not meaning a "quick google") before writing people off completely.
(Not a dig at you OP, just some of the ignorance / misinformation posted here)

magicfarawaytrees · 04/05/2020 23:06

Doreen- nothing useful to add other than thank you for your very wise posts and sending you my best wishes

Namechange198800 · 04/05/2020 23:47

My mum has stage 4 cancer. And she's currently got it for the 4th time. I'm sorry your friend has been off. My mum had her moments with me which I won't explain on here as don't want to be recognised but they really did hurt me. I don't show it to her though. My mum was always a slight bitter person anyway but she has gotten worse since she was first diagnosed.

You said your friend is convinced she will be a front line worker when she has cancer, she would have been told by her employer not to go into work. My mums work sent her home because of her cancer. My mum has been told by her cancer specialist to still isolate even once lock down is lifted, until she has finished all her chemo and has been given the all clear. Going by what my mum has been told I think your friend may be giving you mis information. Sending you hugs OP

fuckinghellthisshit · 05/05/2020 10:01

I'd be very kind, what have you got to gain from anything else? I'd say "Sorry I can't call every day, I would like to, it's good knowing you have other friends checking on you". Just ignore, this isn't your issue, you have friends and don't have cancer, she is being a dick but who is to say how I would behave in this situation.

MitziK · 05/05/2020 12:01

just some of the ignorance / misinformation posted here

@DoreensEatingHerSoreen I didn't mean it nastily. If I'm being stupid/ignorant by saying the information online suggests that the onset of brain metastases is a poor outlook and she is therefore likely to not be fully 'functioning', then, using your logic, she's perfectly in control and is simply being an arsehole who deserves being told exactly what a prick she is/being cut off.

Personally, I think assuming it's not good news for her and she isn't actually being deliberately and calculatingly nasty to somebody is a little kinder than that. Just in case she isn't a person who is inherently a horrible, selfish human being with years to go, but is reaching the end of her life, as many (more) people with that diagnosis do (than do not).

I hope that you continue to be different.

Brownyblonde · 05/05/2020 12:11

I didn't mean to offend anyone either. Cancer that has metastesised to bones and brain is sadly not a long prognosis. Months maximum. I wonder if the poor folks that have had stage 4 cancer on here have reacted positively to chemo and radio and have had their cancers regraded. Either way I'm sorry to all those affected. It's a horrible diagnosis and a terrifying time for all.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 05/05/2020 12:13

I think you’re brilliant checking in daily, I try my hardest but only manage to check in with my friend going through a hard time weekly! She maybe is overwhelmed and over sensitive.

littlejalapeno · 05/05/2020 13:02

@Brownyblonde except my mum has stage 4 metastasised to lymph system, bones, liver and lungs and has been alive on treatments that have kept it stable since 2015. It’s not been downgraded. But she’s on the last line of available treatment. Do you actually know what you’re talking about? In fact the bones are a closed system so considered more survivable than other cancers in soft tissue. You’re actually being upsetting with your patronising comments now. And not really increasing my trust in nurses.

Brownyblonde · 05/05/2020 13:11

@littlejalepeno I'm sorry but you're wrong. Bones are most certainly not a safe place to have cancer. Im not going to engage with you further as you're personally affected by this with your poor mother. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I eidh you and your family all the best. But I'm afraid I do know my facts on the subject.

Brownyblonde · 05/05/2020 13:11

Wish not eidh

Brownyblonde · 05/05/2020 13:13

@littlejalapeno perhaps ask other nurses/healthcare professionals if you wish to take your discussion further.

Brownyblonde · 05/05/2020 13:17

@littlejalapeno just a point of clarification the bones are not a closed system - none marrow is responsible for making red blood cells. If they contain cancerous cells I'm afraid the cancer spreads very rapidly indeed. As I said earlier it's not productive us getting into a debate. Your mother is obviously affected and I'm pleased to hear she's doing so well with treatment. That's wonderful news for her and your family. God bless

littlejalapeno · 05/05/2020 13:19

@brownyblonde

Once cancer has metastasised aka stage 4, it cannot be down graded, there’s a fact for you. See the macmillan website for more details.

I never said it was a safe place, I said more survivable as it is less likely to spread, due to the bones being a closed system. An oncologist with many years experience told this to us.

Thanks for your well wishes. The situation is quite stable for now. I do feel strongly that you shouldn’t be spreading false information though.

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