Nasty comment

[Marmunia1975]

My friend lives some 200 miles away but we text via What's App every day. She has stage four breast cancer and has been undergoing gruelling treatment for four years. I check in almost every day to make sure she is ok - she is Christian and very devout. I changed my phone this weekend and I wasn't able to text or send messages. However, when I did get my texts up and running, I discovered the message - Thanks for checking up on me Susan (Susan is not my name and I've no idea who Susan is!!) You're the only one bothering HA HA. I was stunned. When my dad was very ill and dying, she switched off her phone for two weeks due to mental health reasons (I was unaware she had mental health issues!) Then when my dad did die, she missed the frigging funeral as I was unable to contact her. I'm the least confrontational person, but AIBU to reply to this? I've already explained the change of phone, and apologised.

This comment

@littlejalapeno perhaps ask other nurses/healthcare professionals if you wish to take your discussion further.

Makes you come across as unnecessarily passive aggressive and bitchy.

We have been dealing with professionals for many years, have a oncologist and consider her a family friend. Please stop now. You ah e false info and I corrected it, nothing further is needed and I don’t want to derail the OPs post further. Take care

If your dad died whilst she has had cancer (and I am sorry for your loss) I think anyone with a terminal diagnosis can be excused from not feeling strong enough to support someone else through a loved one's end of life and their subsequent grief. It is far, far too close to home and a reminder of their own frailty.

Hi @littlejalapeno. Just to inform you that I have ask mumsnet to remove both yours and my comments relating to our recent messages from this thread. I feel sadly that our conflicting knowledge on this subject will not be agreed upon by either party and would cause further distress to you for me to defend myself by clarifying my points on your argument against me. I feel you're getting personal towards me and fear it may digress to something unpleasant.

Ok if you feel that’s what is important.

To me it is important that people know that once cancer has metastasised it cannot be down graded but people can live for many years with stage 4. It’s not the death sentence it was a decade ago. It’s important to give people hope: in the past they have found that if doctors give a person with cancer a prognosis of only 6 months, that person will only live the length of the prognosis. If they tell them it’s open ended, they survive much longer. So I think it’s beneficial to tell people they can survive and not say “poor poppets only have a few months if it’s stage 4.” I hope you can take that on board, regardless of whether this sidebar is deleted or not. If someone from mumsnet does edit the discussion I would be grateful if they leave that one up.

raviolidreaming

I think you may be right - that when my dad died it was a reminder of her own future. However he wasn't expected to die. He was expecting to come home with a care package, but he developed pneumonia. I keep asking her how she is and never answers the question. She just says she is trusting God and believing in a miracle. I haven't yet addressed the 'Susan' text.

Just before the lockdown she wasn't even shielding, she was in cafes every day, walking 6 miles etc...

@littlejalapeno that's a fair post and I agree with what you've written.

Why would she be shielding if she is still working in a hospital ? Either she hasn't told the department she is working in the true extent of her illness, she isn't as ill as she has mentioned or she isn't working in an area where she will be at risk ?

Cancer that has metastesised to bones and brain is sadly not a long prognosis. Months maximum.

This is often no longer the case. I was at a Breast Cancer Now event in January specifically for women with stage 4 breast cancer. There were over 50 women at the event. DOZENS had been living for multiple YEARS with brain and bone metastasis. Please stop spreading misinformation.

MitziK
There is a lot of misinformation on the thread. I don't think anyone is being dileberalty unkind.
As I stated, I have genuinely no idea what is going on with OP's friend, it could well be that the cancer in her brain is affecting her personality, I don't deny for one moment that this sadly happens.
What's frustrating is the assumption that this is a given, that it will happen to everyone, that prognosis is short, and that deaths are "horrible".
Through support groups I have come to know many many women this year living with this awful disease at stage 4. I am inspired by the vast numbers living 10-15 years plus with bone mets, and the smaller but equally valid number living a long time with brain mets. I count these women among my close friends, I meet with them twice a month for lunch, we laugh, we cry, and some have sadly died.
Changing incorrect perceptions of secondary / stage 4 breast cancer is hugely important to me. I've created another thread in AMA as I'm aware that OP's has become derailed.
If anyone would like to learn more, do come over and and talk to me there

Deliberately 🙄