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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nasty comment

110 replies

Marmunia1975 · 04/05/2020 16:21

My friend lives some 200 miles away but we text via What's App every day. She has stage four breast cancer and has been undergoing gruelling treatment for four years. I check in almost every day to make sure she is ok - she is Christian and very devout. I changed my phone this weekend and I wasn't able to text or send messages. However, when I did get my texts up and running, I discovered the message - Thanks for checking up on me Susan (Susan is not my name and I've no idea who Susan is!!) You're the only one bothering HA HA. I was stunned. When my dad was very ill and dying, she switched off her phone for two weeks due to mental health reasons (I was unaware she had mental health issues!) Then when my dad did die, she missed the frigging funeral as I was unable to contact her. I'm the least confrontational person, but AIBU to reply to this? I've already explained the change of phone, and apologised.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 04/05/2020 20:53

I would be very careful about accusing her of not having cancer because if it is true it will hugely backfire on you!

People can and do live with terminal cancers for sometimes years depending on treatments etc.

She very well be making it up or exaggerating the severity or she is mentally unwell and this may be part of it etc but you can't necessarily prove that so you can look after yourself so you aren't being "pulled" in but without making accusations you can't take back.

All that being said though she is not treating you well at all!

You have been trying very hard to be a good friend but without much effort in return so if I was in your position I'd be pulling right back because even if I want her in my life I deserve a minimum of basic respect and being treated well as a human so if I don't receive that then I won't carry on allowing myself to be treated that way.
That doesn't mean instantly cutting someone off (although that might be the eventual outcome)

only we can put our own boundaries in place and our minimum expectations in relationships, which means if that doesn't happen we are responsible for reacting in a way that protects that when someone else doesn't.

Original poster
Marmunia1975 · 04/05/2020 21:02

I suspect she is mentally unfit and paranoid - she always tells me about so-called creepy people spying on her in hospitals and cafes. She definitely has cancer as she wears a wig and you can tell from her skin. She said the spread is extensive and has reached her brain. I like to think I am a good friend, but I hate this blatant texting to 'other people.'

OP posts:
PotatoesDieInHotCars · 04/05/2020 21:02

Alternatively, if her cancer is genuine, it could have metastasised to her brain by now. This would explain the "weird wobbles" and confusion with names.

saraclara · 04/05/2020 21:06

It is possible that the Susan was an autocorrect.

So I'd be tempted to reply and say "who's Susan? You seem to have sent this to me by mistake"
If she replies that it was an autocorrect, it's up to you how you go forward. If she tells you who Susan is, then you can either point out that you've messaged her every day for four years, or just walk away.

saraclara · 04/05/2020 21:07

If it's in her brain, then that explains an awful lot. If this behaviour is relatively recent, you have your answer. Especially if it's in the frontal lobe.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 04/05/2020 21:07

Cross-post

So she is dying. Her behaviour will likely get worse. It's up to you if you cant handle that anymore but don't play games by "punishing" her with silence for a week.

Standrewsschool · 04/05/2020 21:10

I wouldn’t go silent. maybe send a message along the lines of ‘Got a new phone, took me a while to set it up, hence only checking in on you today’, and then maybe add a comment that you received a text for Susan. Does she realise she sent it to you?’.

See what her response is.

frumpety · 04/05/2020 21:13

I imagine she must be feeling incredibly anxious at the moment if she is still working in a hospital environment with her diagnosis.

LinManWellWellWell · 04/05/2020 21:14

I wouldn’t play any games, just ‘sorry, don’t know who Susan is? Remember I couldn’t use my phone for 3 days?’ Sounds like her mental health is very fragile. I think the choice you have is whether to continue supporting her knowing she’ll treat you badly (probably) or not. But if she’s playing games, don’t stoop to that level.

Original poster
Marmunia1975 · 04/05/2020 21:15

Thanks - helps me see this in perspective. She chooses to keep working although she really shouldn't. I'm not sure how long she has left and I don't want to ask. She may already know.

OP posts:
frumpety · 04/05/2020 21:19

I am assuming that she doesn't work in any sort of clinical role ?

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 04/05/2020 21:24

Sorry am a bit confused. Have you replied I've already explained the change of phone, and apologised. or not AIBU to reply to this? ?

iano · 04/05/2020 21:28

I wouldn't go silent on her. Just be honest if you don't want to confront her.
'I'm upset by the text you sent me implying that I have been unsupportive after I have been checking on you daily for years'.

littlejalapeno · 04/05/2020 21:29

Perhaps she keeps working as otherwise she’d jus the sat at home with nothing to take her mind off the diagnosis? If the cancer has metastasised to her then it could explain the funny behaviour.

Malysh · 04/05/2020 21:29

Frankly I'd cut back. When people have cancer you can forgive them being needy, you can forgive them having meltdowns and bad days and worse days. But this is downright manipulative and there's no excuse for it.

I guess you have three options here :

  1. Try and salvage the friendship. If she matters to you enough to put in the effort, call her out on her text. "You sent me this by mistake. I'm a bit upset about this as I've been checking on you everyday. If you don't feel supported though I don't want to intrude and I'll let you talk to Susan instead." See what she says.
  1. Pull back, don't invest emotionally in the friendship but be nice and still text every other day.
  1. Just forget to respond and let Susan take care of her.

As pp's have said, this feels like a one-sided friendship. The way she behaved around your father's passing is pretty horrible.

Mollymalone123 · 04/05/2020 21:31

I had breast cancer-as did my mum and sister.i met a couple of ladies with stage 4
I also met one lady where mets has got to her brain— she was rude- erratic and hostile- because of the cancer.
Just a thought

julybaby32 · 04/05/2020 21:32

Well after this I wouldn't necessarily assume you were one of the few who were there for her. Maybe you were one of the many.

Bluetrews25 · 04/05/2020 21:38

I'm really struggling to see how a person with stage 4 cancer who reports it has spread to her brain (if I read that right) is able to go to work at all! And worried she will be sent to work on a covid ward? Something does not ring true.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 04/05/2020 21:41

I had a member of staff with cancer that had spread to her brain. She was more vocal and disinibited and worked up until two weeks before she died as she didnt want to stop. I tried to get her to go off sick but she was insistent so I made adjustments at work. We had to avoid her seeing patients as she had lost inhibitions and I am glad I allowed her to work until she couldnt. She was young too and it was devastating. If it has reached her brain she is likely confused and the text with a strange name reflects that....please dont cut her off when it sounds like things have taken a turn

MitziK · 04/05/2020 21:44

Came here to post about brain metastases making people paranoid, forgetful, unpleasant and 'not themselves'.

People have already done this. It occurs to me that the disappearing could have been for treatment, depending upon when it was.

A quick Google shows that lifespan is typically measured in months from the point brain metastases are discovered.

Bluntly, it sounds like she's reaching end of life care as she is losing her faculties.

Happy20 · 04/05/2020 21:50

As harsh as this sounds, if the cancer has spread to her brain then she will become more and more strange.
Hers will be a horrible end.

Honestly I would suck it up and support her because even had she been an evil bitch (which it sounds like she isn't) she doesn't deserve the death that is in store for her.

Quite honestly if it has spread to her brain you won't have to worry about being her friend or supporting her for much longer, the kind thing to would be to offer her kindness and friendship in her last days.

pilates · 04/05/2020 21:50

Surely if it’s in her brain this could have some significance on her behaviour?

Chiyo666 · 04/05/2020 21:56

She meant to call you Susan. Susan is like Karen. But if you haven’t grown up in meme culture it’s hard to explain.

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2020 21:57

@HavenDilemma, yes you can survival rates are getting better and treatments to remove symptoms and other complications.

@Brownyblonde, I'll have to call my Mum's oncologist in Broadgreen hospital and tell him he got it wrong. She lived just on five years. She's in a small percentage that do. He predicted her death correctly within months.

@TorkTorkBam, have you read her medical report? People couldn't believe how well my Mum was. The evening she died, we'd been out in the day on the bus, shopping.

Ginkypig · 04/05/2020 21:58

Iv just read your update about it having reached her brain.

My uncle died from cancer in his 30's the tumour in his brain caused all sorts of odd behaviour and thought processes and other changes to taste and speech and a myriad of other things.

Would you say that this strange behaviour wasn't there when you first met her? Or is it hard to tell because you didn't know her before?

If this is new it very well could be related to the cancer.

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