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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging with my parents?

124 replies

Forgetcourgettes · 04/05/2020 13:58

And so disappointed ☹️

My dad has cancer and has been told that he needs surgery in 2 weeks. Hospital has said it’s a ‘very, very serious’ operation.

Parents are both 70 and yet they say that lockdown is going to be eased this week so they are trying to get back to normal.

The had my mums sisters over, apparently it was ok as they sat on opposite sides of the room.
Will be looking after my sister’s kids as my sister is working from home but my nephews are too loud to give her peace.
Parents are going to the garden centre and to deliver items that they sell to customers.

Every conversation ends in me getting so cross. Why are they risking my dad getting ill when he has to face major surgery? He is supposed to be shielding and has a long list of chronic health problems as well as the cancer.

I keep trying to tell them that the rules apply to the,, they aren’t special or unique.

Also annoyed with my sister for pushing her children onto them but at the same time my mum is happy as she is ‘lonely’.

Do I keep on telling them or let them get on with it?

I’m just so annoyed that they can’t see the danger they are putting everyone else in as well as themselves.

OP posts:
Gawdsake2020 · 04/05/2020 14:00

Tell your sister what will she do with her kids when your parents are dead from coronavirus. If that doesn’t wake her up, nothing will.

TeddyIsaHe · 04/05/2020 14:02

If it was my sister putting my parents at risk I’d be beyond angry.

Ask how she’s going to explain that her actions killed her parents to her children, and if that doesn’t stop her then she’s a complete twat.

Windyatthebeach · 04/05/2020 14:03

Google funeral costs. Tell dsis what her share will be...

Stereomum · 04/05/2020 14:09

My mum made a big song and dance about bring shielded, and making sure she was paid from work . Since then she has been out every single day without fail. I have given up saying anything. She has been shopping, visiting family members, going for walks, other exercise. Fed up with telling her so I dont anymore.

minettechatouette · 04/05/2020 14:11

Honestly, they are going through a very very stressful time and they are mainly causing risks to themselves not to others. I wouldn't judge them.

Original poster
Forgetcourgettes · 04/05/2020 14:12

Sister and mother say that they’ve all pretty much been in the house until now (nephews) so they aren’t going to bet Covid.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 04/05/2020 14:17

I think you have to let it go- if you’ve explained it and the news has explained it a million times then it not that they don’t understand the risks, they have made a decision to accept them and it is their choice. Don’t let it spoil your relationship with either side of the family.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 04/05/2020 14:26

Different people have a different approach to how they assess risk and benefit to them. Your parents might well feel the benefit from getting a visit from your Aunt or your DNs is worth the health risk. They aren't stupid, they know they are taking a risk.

I can see why you might not think the risk is worth it, but that's you, and it's not your health being risked.

You have to allow for adults to make choices about their own health and risk levels.

Dialdownthedrama · 04/05/2020 14:27

If my Dad was that ill, I wouldn't be wasting any time getting angry about this.

Disquieted1 · 04/05/2020 14:38

Your dad's got cancer, your mum is copying in her own way and you are "raging" at them, quoting government rules.
Try to be a little more supportive. If you should be having a pop at anyone it's your sister, not your parents.

Inthepurplerain · 04/05/2020 14:47

They’re old enough to make their own decisions.

He’s going for a serious operation, don’t take your concern out on them. Be supportive.

1forAll74 · 04/05/2020 15:08

You can't really do much about this if your parents have this mindset. You will just get more and more frustrated if you try to change their mind now. All you can do,is hope the best for them in their self determined ways.

Boudicabooandbulldogs · 04/05/2020 15:08

Could your dad and perhaps your mum too, be thinking he might not make it through the op. If it has been stressed (and rightly so) that it’s a very serious operation then he could seriously believe he may not make it through. The operation is def happening he knows this. He doesn’t know for sure that he will catch Covid.
Please don’t be raging at them, going in for a cancer op can often make people want to be near family in the days before. I know that’s against the guidelines now, however which does your dad see as the biggest threat to his life.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 04/05/2020 15:11

Their lives, their choices. Maybe your dad is of the "probably not much time left so I'll spend the time I do have living the way I want" mindset right now. Your DSis sounds a bit fucking limited but at the end of the day, if this is what your parents want this is what they want.

GrumpyHoonMain · 04/05/2020 15:39

If the consultant said that then it’s like the prognosis isn’t good even with surgery (and your parents just haven’t told you). Let your dad enjoy what remains of his life - he is old enough to weign up the risks himself.

OneMomentInHistory · 04/05/2020 15:45

Maybe they're in denial - it's hard accepting and dealing with cancer at the beat of times. Or maybe it's a conscious decision - if there's a chance he won't survive he would rather live his life than hide away.

It's difficult and I can understand why you're upset, but they're old enough to make their own decisions. Don't risk your relationship with them through anger and hurt.

mencken · 04/05/2020 15:55

they need to stop the garden centre and the selling unless the latter is zero contact.

the rest...sadly I think this is a case of limited time (or they think it may well be) and so they have nothing to lose. Your sister needs to find alternative childcare, though. Sorry. I hope I am wrong.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 04/05/2020 16:02

My DM is 83, widowed, and not in the best of health, although no heart or lung conditions, although she has been a smoker all her life. She kept going out despite me asking her not to. In the end I told her that if she caught Covid and was taken to hospital then she would have to endure it alone as I would not be allowed to visit. I also told her frankly that if she deteriorated she may not get put on a ventilator if they were in short supply and she was competing with someone with a better prognosis. I wanted her to be clear that if she didn't make it, she would be dying alone as no visitors are allowed to Covid wards. She hates hospitals and wanted me there for maximum visiting when she had an op at Christmas so this scared her enough to keep her in. I don't regret my approach.

In your circumstances OP I think you've done as much as you can to persuade your DPs, and you have to let it go after a while. As for your DSis though - I'd be telling her straight how selfish she is to dump her kids on your DPs at this time. Tough luck if her DCs are noisy. Other people are having to manage, so can she.

Piratefairy78 · 04/05/2020 16:09

I wonder if they have been told something by the hospital that they haven’t told you. DH is having day surgery in just under 2 weeks. He’s been told to isolate for the 2 weeks before hand for both his and the staffs safety. I’m surprised that they haven’t been told this too.

GabriellaMontez · 04/05/2020 16:22

Your dad has made this choice in light of his very serious operation. Your mum is happy. Its their decision.

I'm sorry you're so upset. I understand that.

But they have chosen how to live. 'Raging' at what you see as unhealthy choices doesnt help anyone.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 04/05/2020 16:25

“Raging” isn’t the word I’d use, but I can see why you don’t agree with these choices. Must be an enormous worry. I agree your dad should be completely shielding!

Your dsis is very selfish. My son is noisy but I have to work. That’s just the way it is!

Muchtoomuchtodo · 04/05/2020 16:25

I’d be cross too and have stopped asking my Dad how he’s passing the time because of his current choices.

Your Dad is risking not being able to have his surgery if he doesn’t keep himself properly socially isolated, I can see why you’re so cross

NearlyGranny · 04/05/2020 16:26

This sort of oblivious attitude is why we'll have a second spike, but if you've pointed out their folly to them, there's really nothing more you can do. 🙄 Sorry your DF is going through this.

Porcupineinwaiting · 04/05/2020 16:29

Don't rage at them, it wont help any of you to be on a bad footing with each other. From your dad's point of view he may feel these could be his last few weeks on earth and wants to make the most of them. If your sister's kids have been in for weeks they are as safe as they'll ever be so I kind of get why they think now is a good time to see them.

Not sure I'd make the same decisions but I can (kind of) understand them.

MitziK · 04/05/2020 16:31

Could he be making the decision to see them because he isn't expecting to survive the surgery?

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