To be raging with my parents?

[Forgetcourgettes]

And so disappointed ☹️

My dad has cancer and has been told that he needs surgery in 2 weeks. Hospital has said it’s a ‘very, very serious’ operation.

Parents are both 70 and yet they say that lockdown is going to be eased this week so they are trying to get back to normal.

The had my mums sisters over, apparently it was ok as they sat on opposite sides of the room.
Will be looking after my sister’s kids as my sister is working from home but my nephews are too loud to give her peace.
Parents are going to the garden centre and to deliver items that they sell to customers.

Every conversation ends in me getting so cross. Why are they risking my dad getting ill when he has to face major surgery? He is supposed to be shielding and has a long list of chronic health problems as well as the cancer.

I keep trying to tell them that the rules apply to the,, they aren’t special or unique.

Also annoyed with my sister for pushing her children onto them but at the same time my mum is happy as she is ‘lonely’.

Do I keep on telling them or let them get on with it?

I’m just so annoyed that they can’t see the danger they are putting everyone else in as well as themselves.

I’m so sorry that your dad is so ill and at serious risk. If you can’t reason with them (and it doesn’t sound like you can through no fault of your own) can you appeal to your sister to be less selfish and not foist her kids on them and convince them to stay in? Would they listen to her? If not I’d tell them you don’t want to hear about how their day has gone and what they’ve been up to as it’s stressing you out too much.

They're adults - I think all you can do is suggest alternatives to what they are doing if they exist and possibly express concerns to your Dsis so she might rethink.

You can't contol other people's behavior and if you keep on they will probably stop telling you what they are doing.

I understand very much where you are coming from - there are several things I wish certain family members hadn't done but we have had some sucess suggesting alternatives at the right time which is the best we can do really.

How old are the kids? Is your sister confident she can comfort them if their grandparents die and they're convinced it's their fault? Adults taking a risk for themselves is one thing but she's putting that on her kids now, or maybe in a few years when they work it out. Ask you parents to name exactly which 5 people they want at their funeral. Your sister too.

I would be angry at my sister in this situation, but I wouldn't be angry my parents. If I knew there was a fair chance I may not be around for much longer (which is presumably a real possibility if it is serious enough to have an op at the moment), I wouldn't want to spend it locked in the house either. Quality of life over quantity 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm not sure I'd be going to the garden centre, but I'd certainly be out walking etc or, when the restrictions ease, seeing friends/family in the garden whilst maintaining a bit of distance.

As others have said, you have said your piece and need to drop it now. You won't get anywhere and you don't want to sour relationships. I say this as someone who has lost both their parents in recent years. One to cancer, so see the quality of life thing, and one who died when we were not on good terms (relationship was always difficult, but it was at a particular low). They are adults who are aware of the risks.

There's the risks to healthcare staff and other patients if he isn't shielding before his op. An anaesthetist is going to have to get up close and personal with his airway. He may be on an operating list with other cancer patients. Its really not just his health he's risking. I actually find that appalling.

Oh and tell your parents your Dad may not get his operation now since they took the piss. Why should everyone else on his ward/staff looking after him be exposed because they didn't stick to the guidelines. Might give them something to think about.

I'd be angry too, but our shielding letter does say if less than 6 months life expectancy it's up to you to decide - perhaps that's what they've latched on ?

OP, I feel for you. I don’t know what else you can do, except possibly point out the risk to healthcare workers. For your own sake, try to remain calm and take things one step at a time.

If your Dad's operation is so serious, perhaps he is (hopefully wrongly!) thinking it might not work anyway, so doesn't want to spend the next two weeks in a joyless confinement. On the other hand if they do get C-19 then he won't be able to have his operation anyway. I'm not sure what the point of talking to them more about this would do except add to your own frustration - you've tried to get them to see sense but it is not working unfortunately.

These suggestions of emotionally blackmailing people,asking who they want at their funerals and telling them they won’t be saved are awful.

People who shield can choose not to.they’re adults,and if your dad is in bad health then he may wish to live the rest of his life rather than spend it locked up at home.

Your sister is being irresponsible for taking the DC round there but that is vastly different to your parents for choosing to live their lives...

What a selfish sister you have. She MUST know that he has major surgery coming up and needs to sheild... happy to kill him though as long as she gets some 'peace' from her own children. Just amazing.

I feel for you. You appear to be fighting a losing battle against idiots (your parents really don't deserve to have the NHS go ahead with the surgery if they cannot be bothered to shield beforehand) and a selfish sister.

AlternativePerspective I know my posts seemed harsh but it's easier to have that list than have to guess who makes the cut for a limited funeral. Maybe don't ask the parents, but tell the sister if she tries something that stupid again she won't be welcome.

I feel sorry for the NHS personnel and other patients on the ward that your dad will be on if he's not shielding before heading in for his surgery in 2 weeks. That should be common sense and common courtesy under the current circumstances.

I'd have the rage with my sister not my parents.

They're adults, it's their decision.

So true @AlternativePerspective. I strongly suspect your parents are looking at the worst case scenario, OP, have weighed up the risks and made their decisions accordingly. They’re adults and should be able to do as they see fit without being raged at.

Tell your sister what will she do with her kids when your parents are dead from coronavirus. If that doesn’t wake her up, nothing will.

My parents are shielding but my sister has started coming into their house because she wants to help on things they need and won’t stop because they would be sad.

I said she could bring the virus in and that could kill them. She is now up on her self erected pedestal claiming she is the only one being there for my parents and has stopped speaking to me.

They're all adults who made decisions they feel are right for them! FFS, this is getting ridiculous! The sky is not falling down. Life has to go on.

I understand people saying they’re adults, not stupid, have weighed up the risks etc - it must be hard being in the parents’ situation and they may be feeling very fearful. However, surely in the current situation people need to think beyond this, to the impact of their actions on others. Quite frankly they are behaving stupidly and selfishly - maybe for quite understandable reasons, but that doesn’t change the stupidity of it.

Do people realise he may get his operation cancelled if he develops a sniff? You wouldn’t want to bring someone in even with simple flu into a ward were many other people may be immunocompromised as a result of cancer treatment.

I agree however that they are adults and as such should be left to deal with the consequences of their decisions as painful as they might be.

They're not exactly going to a massive rave. Nothing stupid or selfish about adults making rational decisions for themselves. Can't wait for this stupid bloody lockdown to be over, although do wonder what all the easily enraged, offended, judgemental and Dementors will do with themselves.

You have to let them make their own decisions. I tried battling my 92 year old mother for years, it is tiring and upsetting. Once I let it go, all was so much better.

All patients will have a Covid test prior to admittance now, so if he is negative he will be allowed surgery. If positive, he will not.

I think they're making unwise choices, but to be honest, if your dad has to have a major operation for cancer, the possibility that he may not survive long is probably at the back of his mind. It may be important to him to see his grandchildren while he still can. You can advise him, but ultimately it's up to him whether to take the advice.

TinRoofRusty You realise life doesn't go on once you're dead, right? Strange choice of phrase to use about people possibly being infected with a deadly virus.

With regard to possible risks to hospital staff and other patients: I believe that all patients are now tested for the coronavirus before being admitted to hospital. So he could have the operation cancelled or postponed, but would not be placed in a situation where he would put others at risk.