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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be raging with my parents?

124 replies

Forgetcourgettes · 04/05/2020 13:58

And so disappointed ☹️

My dad has cancer and has been told that he needs surgery in 2 weeks. Hospital has said it’s a ‘very, very serious’ operation.

Parents are both 70 and yet they say that lockdown is going to be eased this week so they are trying to get back to normal.

The had my mums sisters over, apparently it was ok as they sat on opposite sides of the room.
Will be looking after my sister’s kids as my sister is working from home but my nephews are too loud to give her peace.
Parents are going to the garden centre and to deliver items that they sell to customers.

Every conversation ends in me getting so cross. Why are they risking my dad getting ill when he has to face major surgery? He is supposed to be shielding and has a long list of chronic health problems as well as the cancer.

I keep trying to tell them that the rules apply to the,, they aren’t special or unique.

Also annoyed with my sister for pushing her children onto them but at the same time my mum is happy as she is ‘lonely’.

Do I keep on telling them or let them get on with it?

I’m just so annoyed that they can’t see the danger they are putting everyone else in as well as themselves.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2020 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/05/2020 17:55

The only thing YABU about is stressing yourself out about something you have no control over. You can't stop your parents. You can't stop your sister. Save your breath to cool your porridge. They are wrong and you are right, but that won't change anything.

Rest in the knowledge that you have made your opinions known and if 'the worst' happens you will know that you did your best. That's all you can do.

TinRoofRusty · 04/05/2020 17:57

You realise life doesn't go on once you're dead, right?

You realise it does, whether you're there or not . The world doesn't stop rotating.

itwasme21 · 04/05/2020 17:58

My parents are similar. When you call don't ask what they have done that day as you will get angry. Just enjoy the time you have with your dad. He may well be feeling he wont make it past the operation anyway and wants to see his family before that. I cant imagine how scary it must be to be elderly and ill and having a very serious operation and adding Covid to that must be very hard.

I raged against my parents for a while, then gave up telling them off (which is hard because them getting sick doesn't just affect them) and now they seem to have calmed down and be being much more sensible.

Im so cross with friends who haven't isolated because I think they are irresponsible selfish arseholes and i realised my parents were the same. I had to take a deep breathe and step back. I still don't agree with their actions but they are my parents and if the died tomorrow I would hate our last conversation to have been me telling them off.

They are a different generation with totally different responsibilities and feelings about death. It doesn't excuse them risking others health but their lack of care for their own fate is common I think. Certainly in my parents as well.

itwasme21 · 04/05/2020 17:59

acrossthepond55 very wise words. Took me years of therapy to get to that page!

Sarahandco · 04/05/2020 17:59

All I can say after this whole experience is that a certain generation can be a little bit rebellious.

AlternativePerspective · 04/05/2020 18:02

You realise life doesn't go on once you're dead, right? but maybe if he’s going to die anyway that’s a chance he’s willing to take.

It’s the same with someone who’s e.g.in their 90’s. Many people feel at that age they’ve lived their lives and if it’s their time to go then it’s their time to go.

Maybe he feels that he wants to live before he dies,iyswim.

Devlesko · 04/05/2020 18:04

Ask your dsis why she's trying to kill your dad, or who will look after them when he's dead.

However, the rest you have to let go, they have to make their own decisions.

chocolatedrem · 04/05/2020 18:04

With such a serious operation coming up, I'm sure he just wants to live the life he knows he has ahead as best he can.

It doesn't surprise me that he is behaving how he is.

It's obviously not good but it's also their life.

Belleende · 04/05/2020 18:04

Something that worked on my parents. Your dad will be tested on the day of his op. If he tests positive they won't operate, so he won't get his op and he will also be taking the place of someone who has taken sensible precautions but didn't make it onto the list.

TinRoofRusty · 04/05/2020 18:05

Dear god! Killing, murdering, guilt tripping. FFS. Her parents allow her sister to go over with her kids, they probably invited it. No one is fucking killing anyone .

TinRoofRusty · 04/05/2020 18:06

Guilt trips roll off a lot of people like water on ducks' backs, PA bollocks shitty thing to do to your parents, who are adults making their own decision.

nokidshere · 04/05/2020 18:12

When will people realise that you cannot change the way other people think or behave.

Your parents and sister are adults. They know the risks. It's their choice. You can agree or disagree but it won't make them change their minds.

Also, what is it about over 70's that makes people say 'they don't understand'? Of course they understand, they are just choosing their own path, which they are perfectly entitled to do.

They might never get covid-19, regardless of who they mix with. Are you prepared to give up your life 'just in case'?

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/05/2020 18:16

TBH it sounds more likely that the cancer or one of his existing conditions will finish him off than CV19. I'd cut them some slack, he will he tested for the virus before surgery anyway I expect, I know a friend of mine was

TiddlestheCat · 04/05/2020 18:18

I don't agree with your parents visiting garden centres/making deliveries. However, if your sister and kids have been in isolation/avoided all contact with others outside their home, then I think that a visit to the grandparents is ok. In essence, this situation is going to go on for many many months/a couple of years. So, if they wish to see their grandchildren, now is the time. In a few weeks time, once restrictions have been lifted it won't be safe, even less so if your dad has to undergo additional chemo. At their age and in their predicament, then I think that it is understandable that they would need a morale boost. Family time is important too.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2020 18:18

@nokidshere

Thank you! Exactly what I wanted to say (but better put!)

People, please stop infantilizing your parents. You hate them interfering in your lives so stop interfering in theirs.

Hollyhobbi · 04/05/2020 18:19

Where does it say that children under 10 don't transmit the virus?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 04/05/2020 18:23

I know this is upsetting but it is NOT your choice to make. Its your dads.
If he is aware of the risks and he chooses to spend time with your sis and his grandchildren than that is totally up to him. How is it going to help by having a go at him?
Maybe your dad feels that he hasn't got long and he wants to enjoy the time he has left? I dont blame him tbh. You need to respect his decision- you cannot control what others do, only your own behaviour.

1forsorrow · 04/05/2020 18:25

You can't control them they are adults. If things don't go well with the op do you want your memories to be of the last few weeks of his life arguing with him? They know the risks, you've told them the risks, I know it is frustrating and worrying but it is what it is.

Jolinda · 04/05/2020 18:25

As upsetting as this is for you you perhaps need to see it from your parents' perspective. You say your DD is having surgery in 2 weeks that is very very serious.
What if they are worried he is not going to come out of surgery so he wants to make sure he sees his family and friends in the time he has.

If god forbid something terrible happened in surgery then everyone would be upset that they had't been able to see him. I think in these situations a little perspective on the probability of getting the infection and ending up in hospital is probably significantly smaller than the risks associated with his upcoming surgery.

I say this as someone who is high risk so haven't left the house since lockdown started so I'm not down grading the seriousness of Covid-19.

EwwSprouts · 04/05/2020 18:26

I believe that all patients are now tested for the coronavirus before being admitted to hospital. So he could have the operation cancelled or postponed, but would not be placed in a situation where he would put others at risk.

This. Does he appreciate his is risking his operation going ahead?

MsMeNz · 04/05/2020 18:26

I'd be so mixed about this. But I suspect they help with the kids because he's worried whether or not he states it he might not have long left with them. So trying to make best of a terrible situation. In their heads. But we also know the risks of covid so as others have said they have played their cards as hard as it might be. I wouldn't add to risk by going over and seeing them personally but I wouldn't berate them beyond maybe a single chat about it.

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 04/05/2020 18:29

I would ask them to check what their letter re the operation says about self-isolating beforehand. I would ask them to please follow the advice of the medical professionals. But then after that I would try to leave it up to them; as others have said, it's ultimately their decision.

I would be angry with your sister, though.

SoloMummy · 04/05/2020 18:35

Maybe your dad's decided he'd rather live now if the surgery is so risky? That's his choice to make.

Not easy to take, but he has the right to live whilst he can if he feels that way...

YeOldeTrout · 04/05/2020 18:57

Your dad may die on the operating table & then would miss this last lovely time with his relatives.

I'm not doing the AIBU thing, but I am with your parents. They are grown ups allowed to make their own choices.

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