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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a marriage because DH always takes the easy why out

129 replies

Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 12:59

All his life if something gets to tough he gives up or chooses the easy path.

He had been given every advantage, went to uni- came out with a third and blames his tutors for not teaching it properly.
He has had various jobs 1 given up as he could not cope any more. He started a business that was going well but it folded because he basically could not be arsed to put in the work.

Anyway I though we had turned a corner he is a teaching assistant and loves it and has done really well but he only works 20 hours a week and only gets paid term time only so I have been working lots of extra to make ends meet. I have a disability which means I do find this difficult but I though it was worth it for DH to find his feet

He decided he wanted to be a teacher and had the full backing of his school who said he would be great. He has an interview which he had to prepare a lesson that is 15 minutes long. He is having trouble as usually he would be able to plan and deliver no problem (as he has done many times before) but he is having to do his interview over zoom and describe the lesson. He had just informed me he has cancelled the interview and he can’t do this and it is stressing him out.

I am so disappointed in him. If he had done he best and failed the interview or even started the teaching but decided he could not do it I would understand but to cancel the interview over this.

I think he expected me to hug him and tell him it’s ok but I just said “well you need to look for a new job that pays more and that’s the way it is” and walked out.

I am not sure I can do this anymore he always gives up at the last hurdle

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 04/05/2020 13:01

That sounds frustrating. My ex husband always blamed someone else for his failures. It’s tedious as fuck.

BillywilliamV · 04/05/2020 13:02

I couldnt respect a man that behaved this way. Do you have kids?

CheddarGorgeous · 04/05/2020 13:02

YANBU. At all. Do you have children?

ArthurandtheAnemones · 04/05/2020 13:03

Could he possibly have undiagnosed ADHD, particularly the inattentive type with executive function problems ?

Tableclothing · 04/05/2020 13:05

He sounds like he needs some therapy. But if you've had enough, you've had enough.

BuffaloCauliflower · 04/05/2020 13:06

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, I would find that really frustrating. I don’t think equality in a marriage has to mean both partners earning the same, but equal contribution means equal effort and he’s not putting the effort in, especially as you’re disabled. Do you have children?

tiredanddangerous · 04/05/2020 13:07

If he can’t manage the stress of a 15 minute zoom interview, he definitely won’t manage being a teacher.

Sparklfairy · 04/05/2020 13:08

@ArthurandtheAnemones please don't jump to make excuses for him. Some people really are simply lazy and bolt the second the going gets tough or they have to do something that requires some effort i.e. doing the interview over zoom instead of what he expected/is used to.

copycopypaste · 04/05/2020 13:14

Oh I really feel for you OP it sounds frustrating as hell.

I'm all for supporting partners etc, but there needs to be a certain amount of effort on their part. Especially as you've been supporting him by doing extra hours whilst dealing with your disability.

Tbh he sounds like he's a budding cock lodger (if he's not already there)

Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 13:36

Yes we have a four year old boy. I just know the next three months are going to be full of
“Oh I should have done it” etc etc etc and him being down on himself. I wish he had never got an interview

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/05/2020 13:37

How can you have any respect for someone like that?

Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 13:42

My brother is head of Key stage one in a primary and has helped him so much with his application. Now it’s just going to be thrown back in his face

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 04/05/2020 13:42

Can he contact them and get the interview back? They might be okay in the current situation.

Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 13:43

We are wrong south as well so the cost of living is more then we can afford at the moment. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t poss take on any more hours I am doing 60 hour weeks at the moment and I am exhausted

OP posts:
Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 13:44

No point LouiseTrees
He would just jack it in the first time something got hard and then he would not even have a job

OP posts:
IGottaGetOuttaThisPlace · 04/05/2020 13:46

Speaking as a teacher, if he can't do a 15 minute lesson plan with your brother helping him, he won't cut it in a classroom.

I wouldn't be able to stay with him either unless he had a very good plan to find a better paid job.

Ragwort · 04/05/2020 13:48

Agree with tired, if the thought of an interview via Zoom is too much for him he really won’t be able to cope with teaching.

Would you be ‘better off’ without him? Think it through carefully and then make your decision.

Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 13:51

All he seems to care about is making himself more buff by doing weights. He cares more about his six pack then us

OP posts:
softcloud · 04/05/2020 13:53

From what you have said it sounds like he has severe depression & anxiety and is self-sabotaging.

I'm sorry OP it sounds very difficult for you to deal with. Do you think he would try counselling to work through some of his issues and ways of responding to stressful situations?

squiglet111 · 04/05/2020 13:53

No yanbu to end your marriage. You are doing triple the hours he is doing because he can't take responsibility for himself. I couldn't deal with that. He will be like this forever and you will always end up picking up the slack etc. Get out asap. Your little boy is 4 so soon to be starting school. So at least childcare won't be as much of a problem then. Just need to get rid of the dead weight

billy1966 · 04/05/2020 13:54

Yea, you are with a spoilt waster. It's always someone else's fault.

Absolutely exhausting.

I definitely think it is a reason to end a marriage.

You are his wife/mother.
Not his partner.

Too tedious.

You will be carrying him for life and he will feel he is entitled to this.

Make a plan and move on.

Flowers
BlingLoving · 04/05/2020 13:55

Oh OP. I feel for you so much. SIL is in a similar position. To be honest, I think it's entirely likely that he has problems/issues/mental health issues that should be dealt with but.... and here's the really crucial bit.... this is not your problem.

People need to help themselves. If this has been going on for years, then at some point he needed to step up and take responsibility. He should have said to himself, "I always fail. Things that others cope with seem too stressful for me. What can I do to fix this."

In the same way that MH issues don't excuse abuse (contrary to what the tabloids seem to think), the reason he behaves like this is irrelevant. You have been mentally, emotionally and financially supporting him for years and you get to say you're tired of it.

Just a guess - but even though he only works 20 hours a week I'm guessing you are still the main carer? He might do school pick ups etc but I'd put money on you being the one who thinks about meals, cooking, extra curricular activities etc?

If he really really wanted to fix things, he probably could gert the interview back. But I think it's unlikely he'll make any effort.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/05/2020 13:56

Nope YANBU at all!

He can take his 6pack and love it somewhere else!

Tell him to man up and fuck off!

Or send him back to his mum's if that would be quicker, more convenient for you! He sounds utterly exhausting, self absorbed and unattractively self centred!

Gawdsake2020 · 04/05/2020 13:58

YANBU.
Sounds like he wants a easy life. I’d be divorcing him.

BlueSuffragette · 04/05/2020 13:59

OP it sounds really tough for you. Is he depressed? He sounds like he has no motivation or enthusiasm. Perhaps you need to think long term about what's best for you and DS. I know you've told DH about the need to get a job with more hours. Maybe you need to set a timeline, and see whether he is trying. If he's still not living upto a fair share of responsibility then you will know that you are not that important to him.

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