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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a marriage because DH always takes the easy why out

129 replies

Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 12:59

All his life if something gets to tough he gives up or chooses the easy path.

He had been given every advantage, went to uni- came out with a third and blames his tutors for not teaching it properly.
He has had various jobs 1 given up as he could not cope any more. He started a business that was going well but it folded because he basically could not be arsed to put in the work.

Anyway I though we had turned a corner he is a teaching assistant and loves it and has done really well but he only works 20 hours a week and only gets paid term time only so I have been working lots of extra to make ends meet. I have a disability which means I do find this difficult but I though it was worth it for DH to find his feet

He decided he wanted to be a teacher and had the full backing of his school who said he would be great. He has an interview which he had to prepare a lesson that is 15 minutes long. He is having trouble as usually he would be able to plan and deliver no problem (as he has done many times before) but he is having to do his interview over zoom and describe the lesson. He had just informed me he has cancelled the interview and he can’t do this and it is stressing him out.

I am so disappointed in him. If he had done he best and failed the interview or even started the teaching but decided he could not do it I would understand but to cancel the interview over this.

I think he expected me to hug him and tell him it’s ok but I just said “well you need to look for a new job that pays more and that’s the way it is” and walked out.

I am not sure I can do this anymore he always gives up at the last hurdle

OP posts:
ScarfLadysBag · 04/05/2020 13:59

YANBU.

TinRoofRusty · 04/05/2020 14:00

YANBU. Move on to someone who wants to be an adult.

Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 14:01

Apparently it’s all my fault because I was doing some work with DS from nursery and we were distracting him from his lesson plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 14:03

I am doing a 14 hour shift starting at 7 and I need to go to bed but he is there saying he won’t get up and he feels empty.

OP posts:
ScarfLadysBag · 04/05/2020 14:03

It will always be your fault, or his boss's fault, or his parents' fault, or society's fault.

Haworthia · 04/05/2020 14:04

So he’s one of life’s quitters, but manages to not jack something in when he really enjoys it?

You don’t need to keep propping him up at the expense of your own health.

madcatladyforever · 04/05/2020 14:06

My ex the same, just backed out of every single challenge, preferred to watch tv or browse fetish forums.
Non stop going on about his high mensa score but could not complete more than one week of his maths A level - pathetic.
I offered to pay for him to go to uni but he didn't want to, move to another part of the country, didn't want to.
It was always me who had to pick up the slack.
He's gone now and good riddance. You will grow to hate and not respect him OP. I can't imagine anything easier than a zoom interview, much better than my usual panel interview and presentation. If he can't do that he'll not get anywhere in life.
I'd leave now before you start to despise him, because you will.

BlingLoving · 04/05/2020 14:07

Oh god. You are clearly my SIL. Of COURSE it was your fault. Her DH claims that his life is so hard because he has a tough job (works 24 hours a week in and their DC are in childcare for at least one full day a week he doesn't work) and she doesn't make enough effort and comes home too late. She comes home late because she has to drop DC at childcare and start work late and if she didn't do 50+ hours a week they couldn't afford their bills.

OP, again, assuming you are basically my SIL's twin, the dynamic here is that you feel guilty. If you leave him you are the bad guy. He's made it clear how devastated he would be if he couldn't spend time with your DC every day, and probably subtly mentioned that technically he does more hours so perhaps would get custody and you'd have to pay him maintenance?

I don't have the answers, but I do think you have every right to lookout your options and get out.

PearPickingPorky · 04/05/2020 14:09

YANBU.

He needs to grow up and start acting like a responsible adult.

madcatladyforever · 04/05/2020 14:10

He will slip into SAHP if you are not careful and will then claim maintenance and your son given half a chance if you try and divorce him. I had a disability too and was worked half to death, ex didn't so housework or gardening either.
You need to nip this in the bud now before he has you on your knees.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/05/2020 14:16

So he is also trying to stop you from working?

Not happy with sabotaging himself he is now actively trying to sabotage your job too?

FFS!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/05/2020 14:16

Well it's one of 2 things: a lack of self-confidence so that he's self-sabotaging opportunities, and a bad case of imposter syndrome. OR he is simply lazy and doesn't want the hassle or hard work. You're going to have to have a frank conversation with him and ask him what it is. A lack of confidence can be dealt with by talking it through, and maybe counselling. Pure laziness is something that he might not grow out of, so you need to identify if it's that and then decide whether you're prepared to be married to a lazy man.

I would be saying that at the age of a grown man should be able to get himself on a career path, especially if he has help with it, as he has. Then "So, as this is not happening, what exactly IS the problem?"

1forAll74 · 04/05/2020 14:17

It's not exactly the best reason to end a marriage.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/05/2020 14:18

Oh just seen your updates. Tell him if he feels empty then he must be depressed and must deal with it ASAP by arranging a GP appointment. And that until that happens you will NOT put up with him stopping you doing your work or sleeping when you need to sleep, so he'd better think again about that attitude.

Keeva2017 · 04/05/2020 14:24

He sounds like an absolute loser. You sound like you are going above and beyond. Whatever his reasons for quitting everything he’s not doing anything about tackling them. He’s rid.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/05/2020 15:04

Yanbu. He is immature and irritating.
Tying to change him or worrying will make you ill and age.
I won't say all but MOST women put up with to much mental load, they suffer in the end.

MitziK · 04/05/2020 15:05

Does he have the intelligence to qualify as a gym instructor/personal trainer? He's obviously got the ability to stick at something even when it gets tough, as he's presumably eating well, exercising and training regularly and challenging himself physically.

The money can be good, too. And he'll get to spend a lot of time doing something he obviously loves.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/05/2020 15:13

It's not exactly the best reason to end a marriage. What is the best reason?

Is tis the worst reason?

Or is it just that it may be OPs reason?

She is entitled to end her marriage for this reason if she chooses....

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/05/2020 15:15

He cares more about his six pack then us
It's about time you started prioritizing your life too then isn't it OP?

He doesn't work or take his financial responsibilities towards his family seriously cos he just can't be arsed....and he's used to others bailing him out continuously.
Meanwhile, you work despite having a disablity to manage- and you're doing extra hours on top to make up for his contribution?

Be careful, carrying his dead weight will eventually impact on your own health to the point of breakdown.....he won't be pulling you up.

Excited101 · 04/05/2020 15:19

Christ! How pathetic. I would have replied to him the same as you, he needs to grow up.

Mix56 · 04/05/2020 15:21

He would get a massive kick up the arse from me,
You are working 60 hours a week, about to do a 14 hour shift
& he is moping in bed.
incandescent on your behalf

CandleNoBra · 04/05/2020 15:23

Honestly. Time for some tough love here OP.
I could not respect him. I’d tell him to sort his shit out or get out.

Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 15:29

I think I feel worse but I had to give up my very promising career because of my disability. You can’t do the career I was aiming for when you have my kind of disability.

He will just mope now blaming everyone else

OP posts:
Cressless · 04/05/2020 15:30

I for one absolutely would not blame you for ending your marriage over this longterm pattern of behaviour, OP. I have a friend (of whom I am very fond) who is like your DH, minus the sixpack, He's clever, has had every advantage, a privileged, secure upbringing (and a big inheritance when his parents died), an education at one of the best grammar schools in the country and then Oxford where he got a 2.2 because he 'didn't want to put in the work for a First' and since then has simply never stuck at anything difficult.

His wife carried the can in every possible way for years -- working FT in a demanding job and doing all housework, childcare etc, and then got tired of it after 20 years of marriage. Unfortunately, one of the 'difficult things' he seemingly can't do is to have their children 50/50 as agreed, so she's now essentially a single parent, too.

Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 15:34

I am not blowing my own trumpet here but not many people with the kind of disability I have manage to work full time. I am doing more then my share and god do I pay for it after a long shift with the pain.

I am worried that if we spilt he would use it against me but then again he couldn’t cope with DS 24/7 so he prob wouldn’t. He would threaten it but not do it

OP posts:
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