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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a marriage because DH always takes the easy why out

129 replies

Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 12:59

All his life if something gets to tough he gives up or chooses the easy path.

He had been given every advantage, went to uni- came out with a third and blames his tutors for not teaching it properly.
He has had various jobs 1 given up as he could not cope any more. He started a business that was going well but it folded because he basically could not be arsed to put in the work.

Anyway I though we had turned a corner he is a teaching assistant and loves it and has done really well but he only works 20 hours a week and only gets paid term time only so I have been working lots of extra to make ends meet. I have a disability which means I do find this difficult but I though it was worth it for DH to find his feet

He decided he wanted to be a teacher and had the full backing of his school who said he would be great. He has an interview which he had to prepare a lesson that is 15 minutes long. He is having trouble as usually he would be able to plan and deliver no problem (as he has done many times before) but he is having to do his interview over zoom and describe the lesson. He had just informed me he has cancelled the interview and he can’t do this and it is stressing him out.

I am so disappointed in him. If he had done he best and failed the interview or even started the teaching but decided he could not do it I would understand but to cancel the interview over this.

I think he expected me to hug him and tell him it’s ok but I just said “well you need to look for a new job that pays more and that’s the way it is” and walked out.

I am not sure I can do this anymore he always gives up at the last hurdle

OP posts:
Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 15:36

Just looked at this emails and he had not cancelled it. He doesn’t know I know his password. I know I should not snoop but I just had a feeling.
Oh I just know what will happen now. I will get back from my long shift tomorrow at 9am and he will say “oh I have decided to do it so I need to prepare for it as if I don’t do it now I won’t have time before the interview”
So guess who will have to stay up entertaining DS Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 15:38

I have just taken DS into our room. Dropped him on top of DH and said i am going to sleep in DSs bed till 6 and I am not to be disturbed.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 04/05/2020 15:39

He is an attention seeking waster and is using you. I think you'd be quite within your rights to divorce him. Some people do struggle to find what's right for them, but he is getting nowhere because he is lazy. Teachers work bloody hard and long hours. No way he is going to be able to cope with that.

tensmum1964 · 04/05/2020 15:41

Sounds like your life would be a lot easier without him op. Talking from experience, being a single parent is easier than living with someone like him.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 04/05/2020 15:45

I’d have to get rid. I couldn’t bear it!

Not blowing my own trumpet but I’ve just had to do a job interview for an internal promotion via Skype, which involved an hour’s prep for a presentation (couldn’t prepare in advance) and then an hour’s interview. While recovering from Coronavirus and with two kids to worry about (single parent). Didn’t get the job but “passed” and am on the reserve list for the next opening. Sometimes you just do it even if you don’t like it!

copycopypaste · 04/05/2020 15:50

I'd grab the bull by the horns and tell him once you've had a sleep, that if he decides he will do the interview tomorrow/changes his mind, he needs to prepare today/whilst you're at work as you'll be sleeping and looking after you once your shift finishes.

Piss poor preparation doesn't constitute an emergency on your behalf.

Time to look after yourself and be kind to yourself OP.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 04/05/2020 15:52

From what you’ve described teaching hang for him. It’s very stressful and the goal posts are constantly changing. I’m not sure from what you’ve said he’s got it in him to do.

Oldraver · 04/05/2020 16:02

Hang on...is the lazy fecker still in bed ?

ajs88 · 04/05/2020 16:03

20 hours a week as a TA with someone else ensuring that ends meet for you is a comfortable life with little responsibility or stress.

Being a teacher is not

Womenwotlunch · 04/05/2020 16:04

Agree with @wash , your dh is not cut out to teach in a school
As another poster suggested, he’s probably better off training to work in a gym.
I just think he’s a lazy git tbh. He has been spoiled by his family and now his wife is spoiling him.

NearlyGranny · 04/05/2020 16:15

So, on top of everything else, he's lying to you about cancelling the interview? Wow...

If he doesn't get his act together and do the interview, he's proved he's nothing but a dead weight for you to carry. It's a real passion killer, isn't it? 20 hours a week for 40 weeks is only 36% of a full time job, while you're currently doing 125%. Think about that.

Celeriacacaca · 04/05/2020 16:21

OP, it sounds as if you are working yourself into the ground, physically and otherwise because your DH isn't pulling his we. Please don't as you shouldn't have to. You sound amazing to have kept everything going until now. I don't think I'd have been as tolerant.

Pumpkinpie1 · 04/05/2020 16:43

What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you like him /love him?
If he does struggle with anxiety would entering the high pressure job of teaching be a good idea? If he worked more hours as a TA he could care for your child in school holidays
I don’t think having a flexible job is necessarily a bad thing if he stuck at it & pulled his weight , it sounds as if it’s his attitude that’s the problem
Talk to him but remember you can’t change a person only they can do that if they want to
A
If he can’t change can you lower your expectations if not maybe it’s time to call time on this marriage

OpenWheelRace · 04/05/2020 16:55

Leave him - he's just an additional child in your family and you don't need that.

OpenWheelRace · 04/05/2020 16:57

I am worried that if we spilt he would use it against me but then again he couldn’t cope with DS 24/7 so he prob wouldn’t.

He'd give up after two days because, shock horror, parenting is hard!
That's if he even managed to live by himself, because it doesn't sound like he's cut out for adulting.
I'm placing a fiver on him immediately moving into his mother's house where she will take over "wife duties"

I don't even know him and I find him pathetic. Leave!

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 04/05/2020 17:08

@Deepmidwicket I'll be honest. I was going to say to cut him some slack and maybe consider that he had some undiagnosed mental health issues. I was going to say he does sound a bit lazy but you win some, you lose some.

But.

Then you said "Apparently it’s all my fault because I was doing some work with DS from nursery and we were distracting him from his lesson plan" and I literally can't think of a more pathetic, waste of space than this man.

OP, you deserve so much better. YANBU. Flowers

pinkyredrose · 04/05/2020 17:20

What a fanny shriveller he is, it must be like living with a feckless child. Do you have any respect left for him at all?

BillysMyBunny · 04/05/2020 17:37

He sounds useless but on top of that he’s now shown himself to be a liar. I’d be making plans to leave him as soon as this lovkdown is over.

LannieDuck · 04/05/2020 17:55

Does he have any redeeming features? (Beyond a 6-pack Wink)

MaryBerrysBomberJacket · 04/05/2020 18:18

My ex husband was like this. I was a full time teacher, kids had to go to breakfast and after school club whilst he ran his web design business from home. Never learned to drive, never warned more than £10k and a year and manipulated me into a person I didn't recognise. Leave him, he won't change. Divorce was the best thing to happen to me and the kids and I'm now with an amazing partner who treats me as an equal and worships the kids!

EKGEMS · 04/05/2020 18:22

1forall74 Your post well and truly takes the cake

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/05/2020 18:41

He’s basically sucking the life out of you from the sound of it. Just sort out an exit strategy.

CarolefeckinBaskin · 04/05/2020 18:42

No if that's how you feel then YA absolutelyNBU !
What a prat! self centered and selfish one at that. Not to mention a manipulative lying twat as well - why the head fuckery about cancelling it? Unless he planned to and was checking your reaction before actually doing it maybe?
OP this needs to change right now. Tell him how he is making you feel.
I could not respect my DH if he was like this. My vagina wouldn't want to be friends with him neither.

steff13 · 04/05/2020 18:43

He sounds a lot like my STBX husband. And HE left ME! We've been separated for 5 years, he left because he was unhappy (who would be happy being a shiftless loser?). I finally contacted a lawyer to file for divorce, and ex now wants $1784 per month in alimony. I supported him financially and othewise for 20 years, and now he wants more!

twilightermummy · 04/05/2020 18:49

I could not deal with a lazy man; he sounds exhausting. However, it also sounds like he may have social anxiety, which is pretty crippling.
You need to work out if you can live with this. I would be quite bitter working 60 hour weeks and watching my significant other doing nothing. It would be much better to work hard alone than have him tag along.
Think carefully because if you stay with him you may have many years of disappointment ahead causing bitterness and resentment.