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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a marriage because DH always takes the easy why out

129 replies

Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 12:59

All his life if something gets to tough he gives up or chooses the easy path.

He had been given every advantage, went to uni- came out with a third and blames his tutors for not teaching it properly.
He has had various jobs 1 given up as he could not cope any more. He started a business that was going well but it folded because he basically could not be arsed to put in the work.

Anyway I though we had turned a corner he is a teaching assistant and loves it and has done really well but he only works 20 hours a week and only gets paid term time only so I have been working lots of extra to make ends meet. I have a disability which means I do find this difficult but I though it was worth it for DH to find his feet

He decided he wanted to be a teacher and had the full backing of his school who said he would be great. He has an interview which he had to prepare a lesson that is 15 minutes long. He is having trouble as usually he would be able to plan and deliver no problem (as he has done many times before) but he is having to do his interview over zoom and describe the lesson. He had just informed me he has cancelled the interview and he can’t do this and it is stressing him out.

I am so disappointed in him. If he had done he best and failed the interview or even started the teaching but decided he could not do it I would understand but to cancel the interview over this.

I think he expected me to hug him and tell him it’s ok but I just said “well you need to look for a new job that pays more and that’s the way it is” and walked out.

I am not sure I can do this anymore he always gives up at the last hurdle

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/05/2020 11:36

@BubblyBarbara

This 50 year old youngster who has been married for 20 years next month thinks that vows like that have trapped women in misery with lazy, feckless or abusive partners for years.
Marriage requires work but it is a mutual covenant. No partner should have to carry the burden of a partner who makes no attempt to keep their side of the bargain.

TherapistInATabard · 05/05/2020 11:37

The Good Book: making martyrs of women for 100s of years

LannieDuck · 05/05/2020 12:37

NoMorePoliticsPlease makes a very good point that the body building could be part of a wider issue of low self-esteem.

Does he acknowledge any anxiety or self-esteem issues? Would he be willing to discuss with a doctor?

BubblyBarbara · 05/05/2020 13:34

so at what point is someone allowed to say 'enough' and walk away?

After trying for a sufficient amount of time. Just walking away from a tricky partner is also taking the "easy way out" that OP was complaining about her DH about!

pointythings · 05/05/2020 13:38

What is a sufficient amount of time? How many more years does OP have to waste on a man who doesn't want to help himself?

My mum was one of those 'save the marriage at all costs' people. She gave me zero support when I decided to divorce my alcoholic husband, she just told me to be 'nicer' to him. At that point I had been supporting him for almost 7 years to deal with his issues.

So I ignored her, as OP should ignore you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/05/2020 13:40

Do you have a piece of string, Barbara? THAT LONG! Grin

DAC12 · 05/05/2020 14:10

@Techway

For me the change I needed to do was to face and deal with the trauma I had been hiding. I think this is sadly very common, childhood sexual abuse left me traumatised to the extent that I really thought that this was what life is like. So I started counselling immediately to deal with my issues and it didn't help immediately but what it started was for me to look at the impact on my partner and start seeing her more. Basically I was so deep in my trauma-infused reality, that I became extremely self centered without even realising. I still have bad days of course and go into self blame very easily, but things are a million times better than before.

Techway · 05/05/2020 16:33

Basically I was so deep in my trauma-infused reality, that I became extremely self centered without even realising

Great insight.well done and I wish you well.

fuckinghellthisshit · 05/05/2020 17:12

He will never change. How will you feel if DS copies this behaviour?

bringbacksideburns · 05/05/2020 17:30

What are you going to do OP?

I think it's ultimatum time. If you still love him maybe he'll listen to you. If not get him out.

DAC12 · 05/05/2020 18:18

@Techway Thank you for your kind words. Flowers

@fuckinghellthisshit "He will never change." - I don't think this is certain but could be. OP needs to take a hard look at how probable it is and what it would take. I really wish that OP's DH realises the situation and changes for the better.

BlueSuffragette · 05/05/2020 18:34

I was thinking about you OP and hope that you are ok. You have a lot to think about as you realise things just cant go on as they are. Best of luck to you. Flowers

Tappering · 05/05/2020 18:40

Am very interested to see what BubblyBarbara's definition of 'sufficient amount of time' is.

Apart from that I think her post is a pile of patronising cack. Given that she has no idea how old the people on this thread are and how long they've been married/partnered.

And incidentally Barbara, the 'good book' also has a nice verse about removing the beam from your own eye before you search for the mote in someone else's...

BubblyBarbara · 05/05/2020 19:36

I think if you lay out your case and give him six months to change then I would approve

Tappering · 05/05/2020 19:58

How very gracious of you Barbara.

And why, exactly, does the OP require your approval? Do you normally go round and offer yourself up as the arbiter of strangers' marital problems?

Alloftheboys · 05/05/2020 20:06

OP make sure whatever you do that FizzyBabs approves Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/05/2020 20:12

Isn’t everyone on this thread offering their opinion on a stranger’s marriage, @Tappering? It seems a tad unfair to pick,on @BubblyBarbara, simply because her opinion differs from most on the thread?

LunaLula83 · 05/05/2020 20:25

Bye bye. When you die that's it. No second chances. Make this life count.

Tappering · 05/05/2020 20:35

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I haven't seen anyone else explicitly offer up their specific approval in the way that Barbara has done. And absolutely offer up a different opinion, but it's pretty patronising to assume that everyone on the thread is an immature 'youngster' and that they all need to take their marriage vows more seriously.

Daftasabroom · 05/05/2020 20:55

OP I've been where you are now for 20 years. I am completely and utterly exhausted. I have broken down in tears, smashed things up, drank myself ill, knuckled down and hoped for the best. Even written letters when words completely failed me. You don't want to be where I am now.

Posters are right in saying that it is likely a confidence thing and DAC12 and his partner have shown what can be achieved with mutual trust, love and effort.

Marriage is a pact, you both made promises to each other. You owe it to the promises you made to work a way through this, but it should never, ever, be a one way street.

Take baby steps but remember it will need to be a journey for both.

pointythings · 05/05/2020 21:13

The problem that I have with FizzyBabs is her assumption that OP has done nothing, tried nothing, has never spoken to her DH about his issues and that she has suddenly decided that this is it, done. My read of the OP is that these problems are of long standing and have been ongoing, and that nothing has changed. She's posting here because she's at the end of her rope.

MumW · 05/05/2020 21:30

He doesn't have the strength of character to survive as a teacher.
Let him try if you want but I can't see it lasting long.

Ask yourself whether you will be any worse off on your own and then decide if you want to continue as you are because it really doesn't look likely that he is going to change . and cancel his gym membership, you can't afford it

Flowers
Tappering · 05/05/2020 21:45

OP to answer your question, YANBU at all to end your marriage if you feel that you've reached the end of your rope. And if this has been going on for a number of years then I can understand how you might have got to this stage.

Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership, not a one-way street. And for all the 'richer and poorer' stuff, there's also the promises to love and honour and cherish. I don't think your H is doing any of those if you are working a 60 hr week to keep the roof over your heads, whilst he's lying in bed.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/05/2020 23:17

I had this with my ex
Had to do all the legwork for him
Learning PC skills
Paying for childcare when he did a course
A course for a job he never did
And more .....
it’s very heavy and makes your back hurt

Think very hard as if he is always like this I can’t eee him changing sadly

BubblyBarbara · 06/05/2020 16:15

Do you normally go round and offer yourself up as the arbiter of strangers' marital problems?

Only on MN.

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