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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a marriage because DH always takes the easy why out

129 replies

Deepmidwicket · 04/05/2020 12:59

All his life if something gets to tough he gives up or chooses the easy path.

He had been given every advantage, went to uni- came out with a third and blames his tutors for not teaching it properly.
He has had various jobs 1 given up as he could not cope any more. He started a business that was going well but it folded because he basically could not be arsed to put in the work.

Anyway I though we had turned a corner he is a teaching assistant and loves it and has done really well but he only works 20 hours a week and only gets paid term time only so I have been working lots of extra to make ends meet. I have a disability which means I do find this difficult but I though it was worth it for DH to find his feet

He decided he wanted to be a teacher and had the full backing of his school who said he would be great. He has an interview which he had to prepare a lesson that is 15 minutes long. He is having trouble as usually he would be able to plan and deliver no problem (as he has done many times before) but he is having to do his interview over zoom and describe the lesson. He had just informed me he has cancelled the interview and he can’t do this and it is stressing him out.

I am so disappointed in him. If he had done he best and failed the interview or even started the teaching but decided he could not do it I would understand but to cancel the interview over this.

I think he expected me to hug him and tell him it’s ok but I just said “well you need to look for a new job that pays more and that’s the way it is” and walked out.

I am not sure I can do this anymore he always gives up at the last hurdle

OP posts:
Teacher12345 · 04/05/2020 18:56

All he seems to care about is making himself more buff by doing weights. He cares more about his six pack then us
@Deepmidwicket Perhaps a part time job as a Pt would be good then. He could work around his current job, exercise and get paid?

VenusClapTrap · 04/05/2020 19:07

Sounds like an ex of mine. It was such a relief when I threw him out.

DAC12 · 05/05/2020 09:55

I was the same type of person your DH is. My partner is a saint and had put up with me for a long time but at some point had enough and sat me down and told me that even though she loved me, she was very unhappy and was considering leaving me. She was not angry with me at all, but was very sad and crying her heart out. This was a huge wake up call for me, so I sought counselling immediately and it saved our relationship. We are still together and it is all down to her strength and support to me. Thanks to her I now have a very high level of self awareness and able to live a happy life and give a happy life to her too. I am a very lucky person.
We now have a child and I am so grateful that I went through this journey before having a child as I don't think I would have been able to be a good parent and partner in my previous state of mind. Maybe for your DH this is also a difficult part, that he wasn't okay in himself before becoming a parent.
If you feel you have had more than enough and no longer love him then leave for everyone's sake. If you feel you have just had enough but still love him, then maybe consider the approach of telling him very clearly and firmly that you are considering leaving unless specific things change.
Whichever decision you make will be the right one for you, I wish you a happy future!

BubblyBarbara · 05/05/2020 10:20

I know it’s not trendy with you youngsters but I turn to the good book in situations like this..

“ for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance...”

Remembering thesePromises has got me through a lot.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/05/2020 10:24

No thanks! And I am no youngster.

If you are interpreting that as "no divorce, adapt and accept" then there are very few people who would agree with you these days.

BubblyBarbara · 05/05/2020 10:25

What I am saying is the whole point of being married is that it’s not easy to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. You might as well stay boyfriend and girlfriend if you need that freedom.

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2020 10:36

What I am saying is the whole point of being married is that it’s not easy to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble

Hahahahaha! First sign of trouble my arse. She's been carrying him for way too long, she deserves a partner who treats her like an equal.

VenusClapTrap · 05/05/2020 10:45

He is hardly holding up his side of his vows is he? Where is the ‘honour’ and ‘cherish’ in his treatment of op?

BlingLoving · 05/05/2020 10:45

@BubblyBarbara but that's exactly it. It's not the first sign of trouble. She's supported him endlessly. She's facilitated the fact that he finds things hard. And the key thing about those vows is that they go both ways - they don't work if only one person is living up to them. He's not loving or cherishing her in any meaningful way while he's leaving her to work long hours, in pain and making no effort to contribute financially or emotionally to the marriage.

june2007 · 05/05/2020 10:47

Sound like he panicked. (And there is nothing wrong with a 3rd class hons degree.). I think if he was a girl and you a guy thinks wouls be quite different. I

Love51 · 05/05/2020 10:48

The good book refers to the Bible.
The quotation above is from an obsolete form of the wedding vows, which aren't in the Bible.
The husband is certainly failing to cherish the op.
Although the OP hasn't declared if she is of any faith so that may be irrelevant.

Reluctantbettlynch · 05/05/2020 10:49

He's being manipulative & selfish. Toughen up op, make it clear he's not getting away with it any more.
If you do kick him out, remember you will get 25% discount on council tax and your overall costs will be reduced. You may be entitled to benefits to top up and he will have to pay maintenance. You might even be able up work more normal hours.
He needs to realise he is not a prize and you may be better off without him.

BlingLoving · 05/05/2020 10:49

And actually, I've had this lecture from my brother who is very religious. He even goes for that line about women obey your husbands blah blah. But his point is that the obligations are absolutely 2 way. Tha tit doesn't work if one person is fulfilling their biblical obligations and the other one isn't.

Reluctantbettlynch · 05/05/2020 10:50

@BubblyBarbara are you op's MIL?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/05/2020 10:50

What I am saying is the whole point of being married is that it’s not easy to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Except this is not the first sign

You might as well stay boyfriend and girlfriend if you need that freedom. Yes! Given that HE seems not to want to do anything positive to support a family HE should have made that decision.. and chosen not to have a wife and child. It is not now for said wife and child to be irrevocably chained to him, is it?

OP has a choice. It is hers to make. No piece of paper, promise made or pressure applied can override her right to make that choice!

LolaSmiles · 05/05/2020 10:55

What I am saying is the whole point of being married is that it’s not easy to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. You might as well stay boyfriend and girlfriend if you need that freedom
This isn't the first sign of trouble and the wedding vows don't say "in all the times I want to sit on my arse, lie, refuse to take responsibility for my life and refuse to do my share as a husband and a father".

Mrskeats · 05/05/2020 10:55

I'm a teacher.
You have to be very resilient and it's hard work.
Amazing he's being considered with a third- with on my course it was 2:1 minimum.
You may want to think about your future op.

Keitepeheakoe · 05/05/2020 11:01

He needs a wake up call

Keitepeheakoe · 05/05/2020 11:02

I missed that bit about the third class degree - where the heck did he apply to get an interview!

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 05/05/2020 11:08

Some very harsh comments here. To me there seems a very big confidence issue and telling someone with low confidence to man up is just the ticket I dont thing,. People are afraid of failure and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. Not doing the interview is not throwing it back in his helpers face. Success breeds success. Until this happens he will go on. The teachin assistant success was a start but he may have tried before he was ready. The body building also fits into this. I think he probably needs some sort of mentor/ counselling career. By working more and more hours you are unfortunately enabling his thinking that you will be he breadwinner .

iano · 05/05/2020 11:15

He sounds like he needs therapy. Ask him to seek help. He's self sabotaging and afraid of failure.
Whether you stay or not is a different question. Your son will see his behaviours and might internalise them.

Butterymuffin · 05/05/2020 11:24

Your response was reasonable. I've known people like this. It's exhausting.

EKGEMS · 05/05/2020 11:24

BubblyBarbara That was such a condescending post "You youngsters" I've been married almost thirty years and I think this poor woman should drop her deadweight husband!

Techway · 05/05/2020 11:24

@DAC12, what behaviour did you have to change and how?

pointythings · 05/05/2020 11:36

BubblyBarbara so at what point is someone allowed to say 'enough' and walk away?

And as has been said by a pp, you don't know anything about OP's religious affiliation - so don't throw your Christian tropes at her. If you want to evangelise, stand on a street corner and hand out leaflets (in a socially distanced way).