To not have much sympathy for DH or am I being harsh?

[hermionegrange]

DH keeps waking up feeling nauseous. He has been to dentist and doctor about it over the last five weeks but both have said nothing is wrong, drink plenty of water.

We have a 2.5 year old and a 7 week old.
DH likens the nausea to morning sickness - any thing to do with bins, nappies, dirty plates, crumbs on the counter etc make him feel sick.
Nausea also seems to come on worse in night and in morning. He has been diagnosed with IBS years ago and has flare ups sometimes.

My issue is I am struggling to find any sympathy to give him as he is just whining about it and talking about it CONSTANTLY.

I am utterly exhausted- doing all nappies, potty training, sicky outfit changes for baby, emptying bins, loading dishwasher, cleaning kitchen... plus as breastfeeding all of the night feeds, and night nappies, and night burps (which take the longest). Just so so tired.

I woke DH at 5 this morning and asked if he would hold the baby for an hour to let me get at least an hours sleep as he had been feeding/on me almost all night. DH rolled over to face me and said 'sorry bad news I feel nauseous again' and 'need to sleep it off'

I feel mean for having no sympathy anymore but it's going on soooooooooo long. I feel bloody nauseous from lack of sleep!

Have you got a shed op? Cba with moany people.. My dh would be self isolating for weeks in the shed if I was in your shoes..

Is his sight test up to date? that maybe worth checking out, once the lockdown is over.

See if you can get some anti nausea tablets - travel sickness tablets will do. Voila... able to hold the baby. At least until you get to the bottom of his feeling sick. If it's mornings I'd say it was gastro - and the doctor will be able to prescribe something. My son had something similar.

He has kids and responsibilities. He needs to suck it up.

When you were pregnant and were tired/nauseous, did he do everything?

If it's genuine, he does need to push for further tests. What's he like generally, when he's well and when he's ill with other things?

However in the meantime, get him some Buccastem tablets. If he won't take them, you'll know how much of this he's putting on.

If you live with a person, Husband/partner, and obviously know them well, you would normally know by the look of them,if they are truly ailing in any way, or if it is just whinging type stuff.

Could it be a hiatus hernia?
I had one and felt really sick all the time - seeing dog shit or a bad smell would set me off vomiting.

The fact he doesn’t try anything makes me

The pharmacists sell anti-nausea medicine. He needs to try them

He needs to go back to the doctors

He needs to do other jobs that don’t “trigger” him.

He needs to help with the baby

Congraulations on your new baby op

Has he had an ultrasound? If it comes on worse at night it could be gallstones maybe? Is he eating normally? Is he hungry? Is nausea worse or better after food? Is it worse after fatty foods? Has he lost weight? Does he have other symptoms with it such as dizziness? He needs to keep a food and symptom diary to help the doctor reach a diagnosis. It could be any number of things but it needs investigating! Constant nausea is not normal.

I woke up retching and nauseous for years. It really impacted negatively on my life. It got to the point where I had to have a sick bucket by the bed ready for the morning and could only travel or make appts outside the house after 11am as I was too nauseous before then. I also had vomiting bouts every few months or so. Had every stomach investigation under the sun. Told I was over-anxious. Then I had a hysterectomy for other reasons and all the symptoms disappeared overnight.

That particular scenario is obviously not applicable in your dh's case but please take his symptoms seriously.

So sorry you are suffering as a result of his illness though, especially when you need maximum support right now.. It can't be easy.

Sounds like utter crap to me, in all honestly it sounds to me like he's doing it on purpose to get out of actually helping you.
If it's that bad then why hasn't he spoken to the doctor again.
Sorry but he can't just refuse to help you. You will have been looking after your 2 year old your whole pregnancy so he needs to toughen up and help you now.

I say this as a very uncomfortable, highly hormonal 38+4 pregnant lady who can barely move because of SPD who also has a 2 year old to look after.
I may not be the best person to offer sympathy to him.

Convenient to feel nauseous when there are lots of mucky jobs need doing. Sure he isn't faking it?
Hmm. My thought too.

If he's genuinely sick - he makes a Doctor's appointment. If he won't, then clearly he's not that sick and should be helping out.

Give it a few mornings then ask him again - if he says he's feeling nauseous tell him you are as well and give him the baby then lock yourself in the bathroom.

@joystir59 I can pretty much guarantee that he hasn't got ovarian cancer.

He needs to power through most of the time - feeling a bit sick isn't a good enough reason to opt out of doing anything.

It really makes no difference whether it’s genuine or he’s faking it or somewhere in between. Whatever the case may be he’s being a complete manchild.

When you have children and your wife has just been through the ordeal of giving birth you suck it up, step up, and sort shit out. Anything else is just plain ridiculous.

I don’t know what’s worse, the whiny, pathetic attitude, the entitled and selfish idea that you can opt out of your fair share of parenting just because you feel a bit poorly, the utter lack of self-respect one must have in order to be so useless, or the enablers who show up to make ridiculous excuses and/or whine about ‘man hating’.

When you’re a parent, it is required of you that you grow the hell up and do what needs to be done.

Agree he needs to go to GP but in the meantime he can't just say he won't help with 2 little ones, you must be exhausted, especially when he's getting plenty of sleep and you're not! If nothing physical it could be stress/ anxiety, that can definitely make you nauseous, I've experienced that myself. So maybe try and have a chat about how he's feeling, this is a weird time for everyone and it can show in different ways. But make sure you get to say how you feel too. Hope it gets sorted.

Also, in case I haven’t yet made myself clear,

@hermionegrange fgs stop doing everything! Nip that in the bud right now. He does his fair share, starting right now. What, does he think pregnancy and childbirth and the aftermath, physically and emotionally, has been a walk in the park for you??

If it was me I’d do a little test, if you bring him a full English in bed and he’s all ‘aww thanks babe blah blah blah’ but recoils to his bed chamber in horror at the sight of a sicky babygro then you may have grounds for thinking he’s putting it on and being a skiving twat.

Also what does he look like? I can tell when my OH is milking it and when he’s genuinely poorly.

If it’s genuine nausea then he needs to get proactive and do something about it, doctors for medications and push for more investigations and opticians for a sight test etc.

Of course if he’s eating normally and still doing all his hobbies and functioning normally until faced with a job he doesn’t fancy doing then apparently the nausea renders him useless then I think you’ve probably got your answer.

My oh has advanced ovarian cancer and one of the early symptoms was nausea. He needs to get checked out by Dr

I'm pretty sure the risk of a man contracting ovarian cancer is zero.

Theres plenty of ways he could help you out that dont include those things. Cooking, cleaning, food shopping, giving you a back or foot rub. Playing with the babies, rocking the babies. If hes not acknowledging that hes not able to help you with the smelly stuff and not making up for it in other ways then it seems it's just an excuse.

I would have flipped if someone said to me 'bad news, I need to sleep off my sickness' while l was desperate for help. That is a seriously smart ass comment and not a shred if sympathy in it.

Did you have morning sickness and still look after your eldest or did he do everything for you then? If you still looked after your child then remind him of that and tell him to eat some concrete and harden the fuck up.

YANBU

P.S just in case that wasn't 10% clear...It is a figure of speech... don't actually get him to eat the concrete

is this just "feeling nauseous" or is he actually vomiting? Is he eating normally?

Doctors sometimes do say nothing is wrong when there's something amiss, which they haven't thought of or found yet. Also, patients sometimes take 'We haven't found anything amiss with the tests we've done so far' to mean 'nothing is wrong'. I agree with those saying he should go back to the drs. The only problem is with covid-19 some procedures are understandably being put off, so he may need to wait.

However, I do agree he needs to find what he can do to help. I don't think it's unreasonable to struggle with sympathy, particularly if it's a long running issue that he doesn't chip in enough or over-reacts to illness. I do think though, that he needs to find ways of working with it. So, for example, can he sit and do washing-up/ironing. Is he taking peppermint oil? A friend of mine finds that helpful for IBS related nausea.

It all sounds a bit too convenient to me but if he is being 100% honest, he still needs to man up. I have a digestive condition that can leave me feeling nauseous and faint in the morning for weeks on end, even my gastroenterologist describes it as like permanent morning sickness. You know what I do? Grow the hell up and get on with life. Even the smell of coffee makes me queasy some mornings and I have had to move tube carriages if someone is eating, but I am an adult with responsibilities, the world can’t stop every time I feel a bit sick. Your husband needs to understand the same applies to him.