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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH's lockdown beard repulsive?

134 replies

Blueblackrose · 03/05/2020 16:52

I can't get past the fact that to me it looks like black and grey wirey pubes. He knows I don't like it, I've told him it looks all spikey and pubey. I've not gone near him in weeks and find the beard so unpleasant to look at I don't look at DH much at all now. I can't imagine kissing him it makes my stomach turn.

I'm surprise tbh how strong a reaction I've had to it- repulsion really - but in the 25 years we've been together he's never had any facial hair so I've never had to see it before.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 04/05/2020 13:47

Just to be clear I don’t tell anyone how to dress or look. I don’t like having my face scratched to pieces - I think I’ve said that three times now. That seems perfectly reasonable to me and has nothing to do with punishment.

Abcduck · 04/05/2020 13:48

Can you post a pic but draw on his face to protect his identity?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/05/2020 13:52

Fine, I’ll tell the bloke he’s in an abusive relationship. I’m looking forward to seeing his face.

This way of thinking is a big problem, though (not calling you personally an abuser). Of course we all know that women make up the vast majority of domestic violence and physical/sexual abuse victims, but this is the exact same kind of attitude that makes male victims frightened to raise any concerns - because it apparently isn't 'manly' to be bothered by or raise the alarm at being abused - must be a bit of a wimp, eh, and ripe for ridicule?

And when it comes to emotional abuse, manipulation and controlling behaviour, it's a much more level 'playing field' in the balance of power between the sexes.

LST · 04/05/2020 13:55

If my DP used the world repulsed at some body hair on me I would question the type of person he was.

RogueV · 04/05/2020 13:57

I live a good beard 😋

My husband looks all sexy and manly with his lockdown bears 🧔🏻

Alsohuman · 04/05/2020 13:57

It’s not a problem at all in this relationship. Are people really so bloody po-faced and humourless in person?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/05/2020 13:59

I don’t like having my face scratched to pieces - I think I’ve said that three times now. That seems perfectly reasonable to me and has nothing to do with punishment.

It is perfectly reasonable of you, but the thread began with the word 'repulsive' and I think it's with that in mind that most people are responding.

There's a huge difference between "It hurts me to kiss you when you have a beard, as it's scratchy and sore on my face" and "That beard is repulsive and singly stops me from fancying you, my life partner."

quarantinevibes · 04/05/2020 14:08

yabuuu if a man came on here saying he was repulsed by his wife I’d be pretty Confused , as long as he has good personal hygiene I think it’s up to him whether he has a beard or not.

BubblyBarbara · 04/05/2020 14:10

“I don’t find you attractive with that beard and so I don’t particularly want to have sex” And.... “I don’t like your beard so I’m not going to have sex with you again until you shave it off.” The first is just being honest and the second is blackmail.

They mean exactly the same thing. The first is just sugar coating it. The actual message is identical: "Beard = no sex."

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2020 14:11

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll
You're right.

I don't have strong feelings beard or no beard and DH has had both several times, but i don't particularly like it when it got too much like bristles. Not once has it occurred to me to use sex to make him change and not once have I considered describing his face as repulsive. Neither of those thinks have a place in a respectful relationship. There's a respectful and healthy way to discuss things and some of what's on this thread isn't it.

ShakespearesSisters · 04/05/2020 14:23

My husband's is about 3cm long now. I hate it. My daughters want him to see how long her can grow his hair and beard though Sad.
I did trim the bit above his top lip yesterday with my embroidery scissors. Seeing crumbs stuck in it all the time was making me feel sick. He said he didn't mind, I pointed out if he could see it he would. He said fair point so I had a little win.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 04/05/2020 14:35

What is the idea behind a “lockdown beard”?

Is it to show the length of lockdown through length of beard?

Some people really don’t suit beards that well and unkempt beards are often not a good look imo

(Love a nice beard though, but not a “won’t shave for 6 months and go wild beard “ ...full of bits of food Grin)

ViciousJackdaw · 04/05/2020 14:41

Beard = no sex

That's perfectly fine. Nobody should be having sex if they don't want to, regardless of the reason.

MrsKoala · 04/05/2020 15:02

I’m always surprised at the ‘your body your choice and if you really love someone you won’t care what they look like’ opinions. Perhaps me and everyone I’ve spoke to in real life about it are horribly shallow but we all have things we just don’t find attractive, no matter how much we love someone.

What if your Dh got a face tattoo? Or wanted to wear bright red lipstick and women’s undies in bed? I mean after all they are still the same person.

When I was with my exh I wanted a bob, but he didn’t want me to as he said it would remind him of his mum during sex. So I didn’t. I wanted him to fancy me more than I wanted a bob. My H started to grow his hair long with an undercut last year. I have always found long hair on men really unattractive and he knew but he said he didn’t care. He wanted long hair more than sex with me. His choice and my choice.

PippaPegg · 04/05/2020 15:34

I married a man who has been clean shaven all his life and was clean shaven up til last week when he embarked upon The Lockdown Beard of Doom.

It has the consistency of an old school doormat and emanates despair.

It is foul and I don't care how shallow anyone thinks I am. We have both got fatter in the last few years and that hasn't caused any issue. He is quite simply not the man I married while that thing is on his (usually gorgeous) face.

RUSU92 · 04/05/2020 15:36

If a DW wrote in to said she had a new hairstyle which she was happy with, and her DH said he would not talk to her until she shaved it all off, would you all be agreeing with his stance, saying that he had every right to talk to who ever he liked?

That’s not really a comparable situation to what most of us are saying though.

If you regularly shave your fanjo but decided for lockdown to leave it, then when you had sex the bristles rubbed against your DH’s penis until it was so sore he couldn’t have sex comfortably with you, it would be ok for him to tell you that he’d rather you went back to how it was before and that until you do, sex is off the cards.

Ok, he may not say it’s repulsive or gross etc in this scenario, but plenty of men DO. I disagree, but you only have to look on any of the pube threads on here to see very varied and polar views on the matter.

It’s never ok to shame someone into having sex with you, but if you’re honestly saying that nobody should ever have a preference for the body hair they’re used to, you’re bonkers. I don’t shave mine at all, but if I suddenly did and DP didn’t like it, I’d take that into account before deciding what to do with it long term and if it affected his enjoyment of sex I’d take that very seriously.

RUSU92 · 04/05/2020 15:37

It has the consistency of an old school doormat and emanates despair.

Grin brilliant!

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 04/05/2020 15:38

MrsKoala

Read that back. Sounds a bit unbalanced somehow

RUSU92 · 04/05/2020 15:40

What if your Dh got a face tattoo? Or wanted to wear bright red lipstick and women’s undies in bed? I mean after all they are still the same person.

Apparently you’re a t*rf if you don’t fancy your H in women’s clothing and make-up, haven’t you had the memo?!

MrsKoala · 04/05/2020 15:41

Sorry, what bit sounds unbalanced? Or I sound unbalanced? (Quite possibly as I’m in bed a bit ill and possibly not writing clearly Grin )

TerrorWig · 04/05/2020 15:45

What would opinion be if a man told his wife that he wouldn't have sex unless she shaved? I think many would be outraged and accuse him of being controlling or emotionally abusive

Only relevant if it’s also a beard.

My husband is also cultivating a beard. I can just about deal with it when it’s trimmed and short but I don’t like the feel of it. The look is ok. I would expect him to be a bit upset if I shaved all my hair off as the norm (for me) is long hair.

RUSU92 · 04/05/2020 15:52

I would expect him to be a bit upset if I shaved all my hair off as the norm (for me) is long hair.

And yes. I agree with this too. I have a friend who shaved her head at the start of lockdown, just because she’d always wanted to do it. It looks fab on her and I’d love to do it too (I did once in my 20s and it’s so easy having it super short!) but I haven’t because my DP wouldn’t like it. Obviously he wouldn’t leave me over it, but I would expect some major piss taking and for him to find it odd having sex with me and running his hands across my fuzzy peach head instead of through my long hair. (And no, before anyone jumps on the strawman, of course it would 100% different if it was due to chemo etc)

I have 90% grey hair under the dye - do I wish I could stop faffing with the roots every couple of weeks? Hell yes. Do I want to make my DP fancy me less? Hell no. So I keep dyeing it. And I haven’t shaved it.

My body, my choice. My choice is to make myself look attractive for my DP. And his is to tread the fine line between enough stubble to look sexy but not too much to mutilate my face!!

Alsohuman · 04/05/2020 15:56

Common sense and humour have arrived. Thank goodness, I was beginning to despair.

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/05/2020 16:00

@RUSU92

How is it not? and to be fair your reply doesn't answer my question and sort of goes off on a tangent.

Firstly either you can take a course of action to some one or you cant
Saying that I wont have sex with you unless you change your look is not the same as saying I wont talk to you. They are both used by one person to force the other to do something they may not be comfortable with.
Secondly I don’t shave mine at all, but if I suddenly did and DP didn’t like it, I’d take that into account before deciding what to do with it long term no one is saying you shouldn't communicate your likes and dislikes it is important in a relationship, but it is also important to accept the other persons views, and discuss the matter but the decision would be yours and not made under threats.
Finally
It'’s never ok to shame someone into having sex with you
It has the consistency of an old school doormat and emanates despair.
grin brilliant!
Not Hypocritical at all

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2020 16:33

no one is saying you shouldn't communicate your likes and dislikes it is important in a relationship, but it is also important to accept the other persons views, and discuss the matter but the decision would be yours and not made under threats.
This. There's ways to communicate in a relationship that don't involve threats, manipulation or being unpleasant about your partner's appearance.