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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH's lockdown beard repulsive?

134 replies

Blueblackrose · 03/05/2020 16:52

I can't get past the fact that to me it looks like black and grey wirey pubes. He knows I don't like it, I've told him it looks all spikey and pubey. I've not gone near him in weeks and find the beard so unpleasant to look at I don't look at DH much at all now. I can't imagine kissing him it makes my stomach turn.

I'm surprise tbh how strong a reaction I've had to it- repulsion really - but in the 25 years we've been together he's never had any facial hair so I've never had to see it before.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 03/05/2020 19:07

@QueenofmyPrinces

Why is it double standards? A man is allowed to be repulsed by something just as much as a woman is.

Off course he/she has the right, but in a relationship you would hope for more respect and certainly not to be punished. Would you honestly find it reasonable for a DH to say No to his DW unless she changed her look or attitude so it was the same as his, irrespective of what she wanted?

Cheeseandwin5 · 03/05/2020 19:09

@cologne4711
@caramac04

So by that argument, she should only get hairstyles and wear make up that he agrees to

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 03/05/2020 19:10

Eugh no, Big bushy beards make me think of the Twits too. Don't mind a bit of neat stubble, but any more than that just no... however I have been trying to convince DS to grow some facial hair as per @SimonJT just to see what it looks like but I don't have to snog him.
Fortunately DH finds anything more that stubble itchy and uncomfortable.

sweetkitty · 03/05/2020 19:12

I agree OP I find beards repulsive, my DH will grow a stubbly one now and again and I don’t go near him I hate the jaggy feeling (I have issues I know). But it’s his body he can do what he likes

Inferiorbeing · 03/05/2020 19:24

DP has grown a proper moustache (frontline NHS so can't wear the PPE with a beard) and I HATE it. He knows it and jokes about it but it's his face and his choice

Crabbo · 03/05/2020 19:29

I think they’re gross too op. Thank god my dh can’t even grow stubble. It’s no comparison to female body hair at all, because it’s on his face. Presumably if you grew a massive moustache he might object.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/05/2020 19:44

I would tell him he looks terrible, you don't fancy him, and he needs to shave it.

Sounds like he needs a shock to the system.

His body his choice? Well not really, his wife has to look at it (and kiss him). It's very different from armpit or leg hair.

"Look, Love, that new pixie cut you've just had is terrible. I just don't fancy you unless you have long hair, so you'll need to grow it out long again."

You're right that it's different from hair that isn't on show - it's a part of your public identity and often helps you feel confident in a way that pubes and armpit hair wouldn't, so if anything, it's far more out of line to demand the person whose body it is change it.

Alsohuman · 03/05/2020 19:46

Mine’s got one too. It’s bloody repulsive. I did not sign up for this 20 years ago and am considering shaving him while he’s asleep.

GreekOddess · 03/05/2020 19:47

I'm the opposite I encouraged dh to grow one. I really like it but he wants to shave it.I've told him that I find him more attractive with it and so far he is avoiding the razor! Grin

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/05/2020 19:50

Presumably if you grew a massive moustache he might object.

Just out of interest, I wonder how some of the women on here would react with a direct comparison: if you had a little excess facial hair but thought it wasn't tooo noticeable - and then your husband tells you that you must start to shave/wax/No-No as he doesn't currently fancy you like that. Would that be OK? Is that simply the 'shock to the system' that you would need?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 19:52

There's a trend for women shaving their heads at the moment isn't there? Have seen threads on here about it.

Wonder how much support for the men in their lives to threaten them with divorce, no sex etc because they find their shaved head ugly or repulsive?

Honestly, how can we as women demand bodily autonomy and then act like this towards men? As for the poster above tempted to shave her husband's beard while he's asleep - you'd be ok with him shaving your head if he didn't like your hairstyle?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/05/2020 19:54

I did not sign up for this 20 years ago and am considering shaving him while he’s asleep.

Do you really expect him (and you) to stay the same for the duration of your (hopefully long) marriage? What about if he 'signed up for' a 25yo with perky breasts and, now they've gone south, he's on the phone to the plastic surgeon and checking out the options and prices whilst you're out? Do you (and he) still dress in the exact same clothes that you did 20 years ago?

LolaSmiles · 03/05/2020 19:55

It's up to him.
It's fine not to find something attractive and have preferences, but not fine to be cruel about it and then play the victim being upset when having been cruel when the partner doesn't change for you.

If I posted 'I've tried red hair during lockdown, DH told me he hates it and is now sulking sayin he's upset because I didn't dye it back when he said he didn't like it" then posters would be quite rightly saying he was out of order.

anastaisia · 03/05/2020 19:55

YANBU to have preferences about it. It’s okay not to want to kiss if you don’t like the feeling of it.

YABU if you are horrible to him about it or pressure him to change it.

There is a subtle but important difference between saying no thanks to a kiss because you don’t like how the beard feels (the effect it has on you, and he may choose to do something about it because he likes kissing you more than he likes the beard) compared to I’m not kissing you because I want you to get rid of the beard (more like an ultimatum)?

gamerchick · 03/05/2020 20:00

I'm with you OP. I can't go near my bloke when he has facial hair. He loves to wind me up. Mind he doesn't like armpit hair on me so I wind him up.

He's welcome to grow it but he knows there's no action while he's got it. Luckily we find it amusing.

BubblyBarbara · 03/05/2020 20:03

YABU in the sense that it’s his choice but YANBU to not feel attracted to him anymore over it because you can’t choose what you find attractive. I would withhold sex in this situation until he complied with a proper hygiene regime

Alsohuman · 03/05/2020 20:08

What about if he 'signed up for' a 25yo with perky breasts and, now they've gone south, he's on the phone to the plastic surgeon and checking out the options and prices whilst you're out?

Well if that’s what he signed up for he was sadly disappointed at the altar! He signed up for and still has a slightly overweight woman with silver hair. If he wants to pay for fillers for the wrinkles that have appeared in the intervening 20 years, I’ll accept the offer.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 20:08

I would withhold sex in this situation until he complied with a proper hygiene regime

I hope any spouse in such a controlling relationship would walk away.

BarbedBloom · 03/05/2020 20:13

I love beards. Dh shaved his the other day and am secretly sad. I don't find him as attractive without one but it is his face and I love him so wouldn't say anything

Dutchesss · 03/05/2020 20:15

YANBU
A beard longer than an inch is a crumb catcher and I would be turned off too.

bobstersmum · 03/05/2020 20:16

My husband also has a lockdown beard and it's made me a bit frisky he looks quite sexy, a bit like a cross between an extra member of Mumford and Sons and Tom Hardy. Or I could be drinking too much gin.

DDemelza · 03/05/2020 20:19

I couldn't have sex with a man with a beard. I think I read The Twits at too impressionable an age.Envy

To find DH's lockdown beard repulsive?
DianaTrentIsBack · 03/05/2020 20:23

Bits of old food in the beard. 3 day old dried up egg yolk.

riotlady · 03/05/2020 22:52

I have the opposite problem, DP shaved off his beard and I much prefer him with one! I still want to kiss and cuddle him though, even if he looks less physically attractive to me, I love him and I’m still attracted to him emotionally if that makes sense. I’d be gutted if he said he was “repulsed” by me because of a physical change

BubblyBarbara · 03/05/2020 23:14

I hope any spouse in such a controlling relationship would walk away.

So are you saying I should feel compelled to have sex when I‘m not attracted to someone just because I’m married to them? Confused