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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find DH's lockdown beard repulsive?

134 replies

Blueblackrose · 03/05/2020 16:52

I can't get past the fact that to me it looks like black and grey wirey pubes. He knows I don't like it, I've told him it looks all spikey and pubey. I've not gone near him in weeks and find the beard so unpleasant to look at I don't look at DH much at all now. I can't imagine kissing him it makes my stomach turn.

I'm surprise tbh how strong a reaction I've had to it- repulsion really - but in the 25 years we've been together he's never had any facial hair so I've never had to see it before.

OP posts:

Somerville · 03/05/2020 23:37

It's very clear between me and my husband. I don't find him nearly as attractive with a beard - but his face, his choice.

My face gets painfully prickled by his beard when we kiss - and my face, my choice.

So the consequences of his choice of a beard for his face is my choice of no snogging to protect my face.

He's shaved it off, funnily enough...

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2020 09:20

I’d be gutted if he said he was “repulsed” by me because of a physical change
Same.
I'd also find it unreasonably controlling if he got moody and upset with me for not changing my appearance back to the way he wants.

k1233 · 04/05/2020 10:23

My face can't handle beards. Irritates the crap out of my skin. Find them mostly unattractive, particularly the unkempt bush variety. Well groomed on the other hand look good on some.

lazylinguist · 04/05/2020 10:28

I don't like dh's beard either, because I don't like beards. But it's his choice. I'm not repulsed by it but I just think beards are inherently unattractive.

Alsohuman · 04/05/2020 11:24

As for the poster above tempted to shave her husband's beard while he's asleep - you'd be ok with him shaving your head if he didn't like your hairstyle?

It’s a joke. You know, those things we say to make people laugh. Has this bloody virus stolen humour from the world?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/05/2020 11:28

@BubblyBarbara

No, of course you don't have to have sex if you don't want to. I do think you are wrong to use sex as a way of controlling someone's behaviour though. As a previous poster said

You have the right to not like the beard, but only in an abusive relationship would actively punish the person for making a choice about their own look which you didn't like.

RUSU92 · 04/05/2020 11:36

YANBU to find it unattractive but you WBU to tell him it makes him repulsive.

I’d go with the old “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” approach and tell him how nice it is having him at home all the time and wouldn’t it be fun to sneak in some lunchtime fun, if only his beardy face didn’t scratch so much. I have a feeling he’ll shave it before lunchtime

I’m conflicted on beards as I do find them sexy and my DP looks better with a bit of stubble. But I don’t know if it’s just that my face has got more sensitive or his beard has got coarser, but it really does scratch when he kisses me. He’s never let it get longer than 5mm or so (about 5 days) as he’s the type of guy who will walk around with egg in his beard, so has never dared grow one on purpose, he just doesn’t bother to shave much.

We had a big argument on holiday when it turned out he hadn’t packed a razor but still expected to have sex, just without kissing me I remembered to pack, snacks, special things we needed for our excursions, fun things to do etc. He only had to remember some clothes and his passport but apparently didn’t think to check he had a razor and then said I should have reminded him . If there’s one thing guaranteed to keep my knickers on it’s being treated like his mum!

Alsohuman · 04/05/2020 11:37

Fine, I’ll tell the bloke he’s in an abusive relationship. I’m looking forward to seeing his face.

ShallallalAa · 04/05/2020 11:49

I think both parties in a romantic relationship have a duty to the other to look attractive in order for intimacy to be pleasurable. So yes, he needs to shave that beard off and yes you need to shave if that's what he he prefers too.

Jaxhog · 04/05/2020 11:55

His choice to grow a beard.
Your choice to find it unattractive and not want to kiss him.
His choice of what to do about that.

I would personally hate it. I loath any kind of stubble or full beards on a man I might otherwise want to kiss. It just feels gross.

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2020 11:56

It's one thing to have preferences on what you find attractive but I can't believe how many people think withholding sex to push someone to change their appearance, or offering sex as an incentive to make someone change their appearance is acceptable behaviour in a relationship. Sex isn't a weapon to get what you want.

I'd hit the roof if DH said to me 'lockdown is great and we could have some extra sex, but unfortunately you've not shaved your legs in a few weeks and that repulses me'.

Whatever happened to healthy communication and mutual respect?

QueenofmyPrinces · 04/05/2020 11:59

......I can't believe how many people think withholding sex to push someone to change their appearance......

Since when has not wanting to have sex with someone been classed withholding it?

There’s a big difference between...

“I don’t find you attractive with that beard and so I don’t particularly want to have sex”

And....

“I don’t like your beard so I’m not going to have sex with you again until you shave it off.”

The first is just being honest and the second is blackmail.

Not wanting to have sex with someone because you find part of them unattractive is not the same as purposefully withholding sex to get what you want.

Dontcoughnearme · 04/05/2020 12:04

Yabu. But so am I. I'm the opposite. I can't bare my husband without his. I'm autistic though and it completely throws me, like it isn't him!

Mammyloveswine · 04/05/2020 12:11

God I also love a beard... freaks me out when DH has a shave! (Weird as he was clean shaven on our wedding day!).

Luckily his grows really fast!

He also has a hairy chest, which I love!

Sorry missing the point of the thread..

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/05/2020 12:13

I don’t like your beard so I’m not going to have sex with you again until you shave it off.”

But that is exactly what some posters have said.

Even on the first point - if a woman posted that her husband has said this to her “I don’t find you attractive with that .... and so I don’t particularly want to have sex” insert anything in there, what would our reaction be? I really find it hard to believe that many posters would support him. He would be accused of being controlling and possibly abusive.

LellyMcKelly · 04/05/2020 12:17

Mine grew one but he looked like Santa and shaved it off when the kids started asking him for presents.

Alsohuman · 04/05/2020 12:20

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras, I’m struggling to think of the female equivalent of scratchy hair ripping your face to pieces. If you can think of one, please let us know what it is.

QueenofmyPrinces · 04/05/2020 12:20

I really find it hard to believe that many posters would support him. He would be accused of being controlling and possibly abusive.

I don’t know....

I think we have to accept that if we make changes to our outer appearance then it may be something our partner find unattractive and there may be consequences to that.

For example - if I decided I wanted to go on a keep fit drive and tone all my muscles and get biceps and a six pack etc then I would have to accept that my DH wouldn’t find me attractive because he does not like the appearance of muscular women.

People cannot help what they are attracted to.

If a person knows their partner finds an appearance trait unattractive, but decides they want that trait anyway (their choice completely), then they have to accept their partner won’t find them as attractive anymore.

It’s hardly rocket science is it.

DonnaDarko · 04/05/2020 12:25

I'm the opposite. I hate it when DP is clean shaven cos he looks 12 lol. He only ever shaves it off when he's got job interviews, though.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/05/2020 12:32

“I don’t find you attractive with that .... and so I don’t particularly want to have sex” insert anything in there

Sorry, but arf at that

Chiyo666 · 04/05/2020 12:35

Where were all these your busy your choice advocates on the tattoo thread the other day?

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/05/2020 13:12

I know alot of ppl are being flippant or maybe don't understand the point, but let me ask you this-
If a DW wrote in to said she had a new hairstyle which she was happy with, and her DH said he would not talk to her until she shaved it all off, would you all be agreeing with his stance, saying that he had every right to talk to who ever he liked?
I some how doubt it

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/05/2020 13:12

ohh and that she should cut it off.

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2020 13:14

QueenofmyPrinces
I'm well aware of the difference between the two.

But some of the posts on here very much sound like the second one. One poster advocated saying use sex as honey to get what you want by saying 'we could have lots of sex during lockdown, shame about the beard'.

There's a huge difference between genuinely not wanting to have sex and using sex to get what you want. In mature adult relationships most people wouldn't start saying "I don't like X change about your appearance so I'm refusing to sleep with you until you change your appearance to suit my preference".

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/05/2020 13:15

@Alsohuman

Or tell him unless he looks and dresses the way you want him to, he can expect top be punished

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