AIBU about rooms?

[CursesAndMagic]

I currently have a 10 month old son who is in the box room with not much space for much else apart from cot wardrobe and a chair. My partner has a 9 year old who has a huge room with not much stuff in it and I’ve just found out I’m
Pregnant again. The house is a three bed so baby will share with us until 6 months but then I wanted the babies to share as they will be around a year and four months apart and same gender. Am I being unreasonable to expect the kids to switch rooms so I can get two cots in the bigger room which is currently my partners child’s? I think the younger ones should share and that’s impossible in a box room. AIBU?

And also while a smaller room is perfectly sufficient for a 9 year old not having bigger rooms for each individual child isn’t going to be a reason for us to up and move homes unfortunately

We were in exactly the same position, I have a SS 11, DD 3 and a 10 week old DS. Just before DS was born we moved SS into the box room and DD into the big room, DS will be joining her as soon as he sleeps through the night. It made the most practical sense. We explained why to the DS and he accepted it although does sometimes make comments about being stuck in the small room. I explain he’s the only one in the house to have the luxury of his own room and space. We’ve agreed he can have his pick of the rooms when we move to a 4 bed.

*explained why to SS

**A kid drawing with markers and getting slime on things is normal. It's really not. Drawing on bedding and showing total disrespect for things isn't normal at 9 years old. Yes accidents happen, things get spilt, but to do it on purpose isn't on. I have a DD the same age and yes she's untidy but ruining stuff on purpose? No way.

That’s a fab idea. I won’t be having anymore children now as I didn’t have a great time with my last labour and am currently waiting to see a consultant to see if I can have a natural birth this time around which I really want. I also have muscle issues in my stomach where they separated last time and haven’t gone back together so it’s not really something that can be months away as I’ll be no help decorating or anything when I’m bigger than I already am now. She’s came around to the idea and we’re proud of her for taking into consideration the babies and them needing a lot more space. It’s not going to hinder her in anyway and she will still have a space to call her own which the babies won’t until loft is done if they want to move into their own spaces then his daughter can chose to stay in small room or have the half of the loft. That’s something that realistically is going to be w while off like I said we need to refit a bathroom and still only half done on tiling the kitchen walls which has had to stop due to the lockdown. She wants to look for new things for her new room this weekend and move as soon as possible as she is very excited to have her tv on the wall. It’s the little things I guess 🤔

@Thurmanmurman I completely 100% agree with you. I’m not resenting of her in any way. Yes she’s had a hard time with some things but it’s not normal. Not to completely disrespect and disregard the money spent on things because oh we can just buy a new one. Thank you for that. I’m glad someone has some sense.

OP some posters are trying to paint you as the wicked stepmother, which is the opposite of what you are coming across as. You sound totally reasonable to me!

@thurmanmurman thank you. I’m really not being unreasonable I don’t think. Her father agrees that it’s intentional behaviour. Which at 9, it is.

I agree - deliberately ruining property at 9 is not normal behaviour, drawing on things with pen with no thought of the consequences is toddler behaviour. I would have expected it to stop well before 9.

But also - it's really not all that relevant to the issue at hand. She's not being moved as a punishment, she's being moved for practical reasons.

@aSofaNearYou 100% of course it’s not a punishment. And no deliberately ruining things isn’t normal.

You said herself that she pulled there sequins of her dress because she thought it would look better and drew marker on her bed because she likes it. She is not purposely ruining things obviously. She is just acting like a child.

@cinammonbuns her reasoning for it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. She says that because it’s an excuse. Like when she drew on our front door and said she thought we would like it. She’s 9.

I am not even talking about the bedroom. You started bringing up irrelevant things to the room situation about her drawing in things and leaving slimes on things. I’m not saying it’s a punishment. I’m just saying you have some unrealistic expectations of her. nothing you say she has done is outside the realm of normal for a nine year old. You need to cut her some slack because your own kids will also misbehave.

@SpudsAreLife84 Box rooms shouldn't be a room for anybody, they are far too small

Oh please. I slept in box rooms from 5 - 18. As long as you can fit a bed and some storage, who cares how much room you have when you are asleep!

I’m simply talking about people who said she was doing it deliberately to ruin it. You herself said she wasn’t trying to ruin anything deliberately.

I don’t think it’s acceptable either but she isn’t purposefully vandalising things.

She is doing it deliberately she knows it’s wrong and she comes up with an excuse for it that takes the blame away from her. She knows right & wrong. The oh I ruined it we can buy a new one isn’t misbehaving it’s not respecting boundaries and doing things on purpose to ruin things. If I spent £90 on a dress for her to pull all sequins off to say she thought it would look better. That’s something I’d expect a 5 year old to say. Not 9 she knows that would ruin it.

@cinammonbuns yes my kids will misbehave but I hope they grow up respecting hard earned money is spent on their things and they’re not disposable and replaceable.

It makes sense in a way but I still feel like it's not overly fair to move them.

nothing you say she has done is outside the realm of normal for a nine year old

I'm sorry but I'm struggling to imagine how my dad would have actually reacted if I had drawn on the front door at 9 years old, but I'm pretty sure it would have involved "grounded for a week" and "no more pens except for homework".

It's really not relevant to the bedrooms question but drawing on front doors, and other furniture, especially after previous conversations in which her parents made it clear they did NOT appreciate her doing this, is either remarkable lack of comprehension from a 9 year old, or naughty behaviour.

@aSofaNearYou exactly. She knows it’s wrong but trying to make out like she’s doing us a favour when she clearly wouldn’t think this about drawing on front door is 100% her vandalising things on purpose completely. She’s been told every time it’s not acceptable behaviour from her and we did ban pens on bedroom until she was 6-7 which she should have grown out of I’d say. Fact she still does it is 100% her responsibility and her choice to make. She also sometimes thinks it’s funny. It’s intentionally destructive.

When she’s ruined something does she get a replacement? How do you know she won’t rush to move into her new room with another set of new stuff and set about ruining that?

I think you’re entirely right to put her in the smaller room but I wouldn’t rush to decorate it now with nice new things or paint it especially. She needs to live with the consequences of seeing her ruined stuff

And people wonder why stepmothers get a bad rap on here.

That stepdaughter is clearly a third class citizen in your house. There was no need to start insulting her on here. You asked your question and had your advice.

She's acting out to get attention since that's probably the only way she does get undivided attention. In addition to that, she only sees her mother a few times a year, so she already has that rejection to deal with.

"Respect for hard-earned money", she's nine. Money is still a nebulous concept.

Am that people think drawing on walls/furniture/bedding is normal 9 year old behaviour. I have 3 children. Only had 2 incidents of drawing on walls, both when very young (below 3). Would be shocked and pretty cross if my 6 year old drew on his bedding, let alone a 9 year old. It’s definitely old enough to know better.