AIBU about rooms?

[CursesAndMagic]

I currently have a 10 month old son who is in the box room with not much space for much else apart from cot wardrobe and a chair. My partner has a 9 year old who has a huge room with not much stuff in it and I’ve just found out I’m
Pregnant again. The house is a three bed so baby will share with us until 6 months but then I wanted the babies to share as they will be around a year and four months apart and same gender. Am I being unreasonable to expect the kids to switch rooms so I can get two cots in the bigger room which is currently my partners child’s? I think the younger ones should share and that’s impossible in a box room. AIBU?

This thread shows just how much the demographic of Mumsnet has changed.

Yes how dare people without a Mercedes, swimming pool and room for a pony use Mumsnet.

But OP get cracking with that loft conversion, lockdown and cost considerations are of no importance.

Thanks for all your replies. We’ve decided on switching the rooms. Oldest in box room two babies in small room. It might be tough but we have to work with what we have. In a few years she may go into the loft if she can prove she can respect and appreciate and look after her own space. Without drawing on things that aren’t paper and making a general mess all the time. The loft will be something for her to work towards as she is far too noisy to be up there right now. And it would cause even more of an issue with her waking everyone up as she tends to wake up super early.

You make it sound like a punishment and you sound quite pissy with your stepdaughter. I hope you're not like that in real life. A bit of softness goes a long way. She's only nine.

Oh no of course not. It’s not at all a punishment we’ve made it exciting and she’s actually looking forward about picking out things and getting things like that. We have just decorated her own room with new bed with built in desk etc and she’s got paint all over it and she doesn’t really care about her things. She doesn’t keep her space tidy and obviously after having spent time painting and seeing walls with marks all over when she is 9 is a bit frustrating. But I apologise as I see how it came across as a bit assy. It’s not the case.

Stop pussy footing around a child , tell her she is moving out her room as you need the space for yours, does she live with you?

Please don’t take this advice. Absolutely tell her she’s in the smaller room (maybe don’t call it the box room to her either) but don’t say it’s because you need the space for your children. That’s a sure fire way to make her feel second best.

Oh no it was her that brought up the question about where the baby would sleep and she was told the baby would be with us for the first few months. She said you’d never get two beds in here and they won’t have any space to play! And I said I know that’s something we have to figure out and she said will we swap rooms and I said it’s a possibility and she wasn’t very happy about it but after seeing she can have tv on wall and how much stuff she actually has (not much) she said it would be easier to keep clean and she wouldn’t have as much space to mess up :) she’s quite happy about picking stuff and asked if we could do it soon because she wants time to settle in. She also said that she wouldn’t be able to have sleepovers which has never happened as the kids she is close to are my niece who won’t stay out and my older niece who also doesn’t like to stay out. She spends 90% of her time playing on her Nintendo switch so she even acknowledges that doesn’t use a lot of space and understands the babies will have lots of things and need space to play which she admitted herself doesn’t apply to her as we’ve just done the garden too so there’s loads of space out there for her which she likes.

A 9 year old is more than capable of understanding why she needs to move rooms. There are some great space saving ideas for box rooms and I'd get her involved in 'designing' her new room, picking the decor and accessories and make it really positive. Because your the oldest you deserve your own room etc. As for the poster who suggested you and your DH move to the box room, people like you are the reason there are so many entitled brats around.

@CursesAndMagic your last few messages seem a bit hostile towards your step daughter. She’s a child of course she’ll be lousy and messy. Why should she have to earn the loft conversion?

*loud

Not hostile at all. She will wake at 6am bang doors stomp around put the tv on loudly insist on wearing boots in the house to walk around etc. She’s a great kid she’s just got elephant feet :) she will wake the baby from every nap by banging and going into him to wake him and then thinks it’s funny. It’s not hostile it’s just difficult situation to be in really because I look after her the majority of the time while my partner works and it’s hard to have the baby and have a 9 year old who refuses to help or even clean her room up without a tantrum. I understand she’s 9 and don’t expect her to be perfect but going on ten I did expect to be out of the tantrum stage really. We paid for her room a month ago to be decorated and she’s since stained all the new mattress and bedding with markers - got slime down the radiator. She’s actually drawn smiley faces all over her bedsheet in marker because it looks nice. Al of this stuff cost is money so yes the loft should be a reward

I love her like she is my own but it’s not the same because she does have her mum who she sees around 1-2 times per year. And her Nan who insists that she should be able to eat what she likes stay up when she likes have what she wants and she’s grown into quite an entitled 9 year old who doesn’t appreciate anything so it is difficult. We’re working on it and have had huge improvements but with certain things it’s hard. I’m
Doing my best with my firstborn and stepdaughter so no it’s not hostility.

Is there room in the garden for a summer house she could use as her den? Then she would have space for friends coming over etc

Yes there is room and that’s the next stage a little treehouse we’re thinking. That way it won’t take space away from the grass part and we can fit other things too. She doesn’t have friends coming over to be honest my nieces come sometimes but they spend most of the time playing video games here so if it was my way I’d limit the screen time but then I’m the bad guy as her dad is quite busy with diy and getting things ready when he’s here to limit things like that and it seems like I’m always the one setting limits and rules and makes the problems escalate with tantrums etc. I’m also homeschooling her while looking after baby and trying to rehab my muscles as they didn’t connect properly after my last pregnancy so it’s a bit of a tough one.

My daughters have 13 months between them and always shared a room until the eldest left home last December. They are in their 20s now. There was the occasional territory battle, but on the whole they got on absolutely fine and are very close. They were absolutely fine as babies/toddlers. No problems at all. We always treated them the same for everything and they were fine. Might be different if you have 2 lively boys though!

The older girl will be better in her own room, hopefully she'll come round to the idea. If you get cot beds for the boys, then you can go straight to bunk beds when they've grown out of them which will give you more floor space for the toys.

That’s the plan! The rooms been described as box room but it’s not like so small you can touch both walls at the same time. There is room for her bed but obviously a double wouldn’t fit. It’s more small rather than box. She will have plenty of room for just her. The babies won’t have any space to play with two cots in there. Older girl has a high sleeper bed with a ladder and desk under which frees up floor space that wouldn’t be possible with a cot so it is the best solution.

Also, I love the idea of them sharing. Yes they make wake each other up for a while while they are tiny but so what. I’m not a great sleeper anyway and will be good when they’re older and bedtime routines can be together etc

She needs to go into the small room

of course she will moan and yes she will feel it is unfair - she may hate you for a bit - possibly mitigated by letting her choose some nice bits

But she will get over it just like the millions of children who have done this over the years - the world will move on and none of this really matters.

I really think you are over thinking this and putting too much importance on it - she may pick up on this and see it as more important than it is - just do it. Make it fun but just get on with it.

Honestly if you are considering a loft conversion in the near future then this child is incredibly lucky - any negative reaction is understandable for a 10 year old - she will not know or recognize this - but she is a very priviledged child and as an adult you should recognize this and just get on with it.

A kid drawing with markers and getting slime on things is normal. I think you are going to have a big reality check when your own kids grow up.
It seems you weren’t prepared to parent her and seem to resent her for normal childhood silliness. Even with drawing in the sheets and ‘banging’ I don’t believe she needs to ‘earn’ a bigger room.

Your DSD doesn’t sound unusual, she sounds 9. You sound like you are in for a bit of a surprise when your kids hit 9 tbh

she does have her mum who she sees around 1-2 times per year.
And you wonder why she has tantrums and call her entitled.
The right thing to do is keep unborn baby in with you until they outgrow the cot at two. That gives you plenty of time to sort out the loft.

It’s not the fact she does it that’s the problem. I understand kids will be kids but it doesn’t mean hey let’s go out and spend thousands on a huge loft conversion so she can have a bit more space. The small room is fine for her. Yes 9 year olds do things like this but she doesn’t cherish anything or take pride in any of her things because she ruins them after a day or two. Even her father is a bit annoyed as he spent a lot of money on her new bed and she’s already coloured half of it in with marker. It’s not the fact she does it it’s her reaction to it - oh well it’s only a bed etc. And yes my kids will grow up to do the same things but I’d hope in time they’d respect the fact we work hard to provide them with nice things and they should look after them. I paid a lot of money for a dress for her w few weeks ago to wear and she picked it herself and then pulled all the sequins off it because she thought it would look better and now it’s ruined before she can even wear it. She doesn’t care about any of it. The behaviour is normal 100% agree. The reaction to it and seeing everything as disposable isn’t something I want to instil in my children really.

I know she’s been through a lot and like I said she’s a good kid and I love her - I don’t love her going out of her way to do things she knows will ruin something and then saying oh well we can just buy a new one. I think you’re all missing the point here - I’m not saying she needs to earn the loft room I’m saying while we have the littler room she’s fine in there and she has come around to the idea of it and yes at first she probably will be a bit annoyed but that’s something we will deal with in a healthy and positive way when it comes to it. I’m just in no rush to go and buy a new bed and spend money on the loft conversion for it to be okay for a few days then ruined.

And yes she is entitled I didn’t say it was her fault, because it isn’t. She thinks things can just be replaced very easily she moaned that she didn’t get a lot for Christmas when we spent £350 on each of the kids which I think is perfectly reasonable but she was sad because she didn’t get an Apple laptop because she asked for it so she should get it. His mum buys her things and she just wants to sell them to buy other things even though she asks her for them in the first place. She’s a very happy kid and she’s very well rounded and great with the baby so she has rewards and stuff and time with just us alone and stuff so she doesn’t resent the baby or feel left out she said she feels lucky to have siblings and she is very understanding that stuff just her own stuff she doesn’t care about. It’s hard because apart from that she’s the perfect kid.

It's obvious this is what needs to happen, especially if the other kids are boys which would make her sharing with one of them a problem in a few years.

Moving rooms to accommodate different siblings is a normal part of growing up. For what it's worth, me and my sister used to share the big bedroom, but when I was about 10 I was moved to the box room. Not out of neccessity, I assume it was so my older sister, who was becoming a teenager, could have a private space. It was considered a good age for me to move rooms, because at 10 your things don't tend to take up as much space, and you don't generally run around much like small children do. A box room is perfectly sufficient, and doesn't feel as small when you yourself are small. I had one sleepover during that time, and it was in the living room. In fact, I don't think I ever went to a sleepover that didn't take place in a living room, so take from that what you will about the average size of most children's bedrooms.

I think a lot of MN are used to huge, middle class houses in which it's unthinkable for a child not to have a living room sized space for their bedroom. In reality, it's not always possible and although most kids WANT a big room, it's not actually child abuse for them not to have one.

Yeah that’s 100% true. I had the loft room as a kid when I turned about 12 as I was before that sharing a small room with my sister, my second eldest brother had the box room and my oldest brother had one half of the loft. All of my sleepovers where in the living room and as well as that it was absolutely freezing in the loft as there was no heating up there so I was happy at first to get the loft but it kind of ran it’s course when it was cold!