Being told that "I brought this on myself"

[yeoma95601]

Hey guys, I’m just looking for advice/cheer up, I’m so sorry how long winded this is.

So my fiancé and I have broken up, I’m 25 weeks pregnant and I’ve been struggling for a while with my mental health. Since lockdown I’ve been on my own (literally) as my baby’s dad (Ex fiancé) is in the army and my parents are key workers so they have had to be out a lot - I live with them but was meant to move in to military base after the baby is born. We were meant to get married in 8 weeks which I had to organise alone like I’ve pretty much organised everything during the relationship, I’ve not had a single appointment where he’s come and I’ve had to save up money for the baby relatively on my own. This isn’t my first pregnancy as I’ve had multiple losses in the past too so I’m really anxious about the baby as it is.

Because I’ve been alone, unable to actually go out because I’m a high risk pregnancy, can’t see my friends, family or my fiancé I’ve been going deeper and deeper in to a dark place where I’ve just become nasty and emotionless. A huge argument started just before lockdown where my MIL was disappointed with the baby’s gender and fiancés sister got involved, there was a bit of a bust up but I thought it was all sorted, nonetheless I was still hurt and she doesn’t ask how I am or anything and I’m constantly being compared to his sister by him as she’s pregnant as well and diabetic and I’m not so I have “nothing on her” but his mum has been great since the fall out and apologised, she now makes a lot of effort daily with me.

So since I’ve been alone, my emotions have been everywhere, I’ve been back and forth the hospital for no movements from baby and hyperemesis and I’ve been pushed further away by the baby’s dad, some days he wouldn’t even ask how the baby is or how my appointments went after a scan/midwife appointment or when I’ve been rushed in and his excuse would always be “I’m busy/ I was going to ask you later” or some crap along them lines but I’d always give him the benefit of the doubt because of his job. He also went behind my back when I first found out I was pregnant and I forgave him. I also lost my nan on March 11th. I struggle extremely bad with separation anxiety as well so this is why I’m struggling so much being on my own (I know it’s childish).

Now we’ve broken up I just feel like I cannot cope, I can’t eat, sleep and I’m crying constantly. I find it very difficult to reach out to my friends because I don’t like to hinder them and I feel like I won’t be a good mother on my own and no one will ever want me because I’m clearly unstable and a single mother. I’m hurting that he doesn’t seem to care about me or the baby either and every time I’ve tried to reach out to him it’s “your fault, You brought this on yourself, you did this”

I don’t even know what I’m asking for tbh, I have spoken to the midwife and GP and don't seem to be getting anywhere. I just kind of came here to vent and have a cheer up 😔

Oh dear. Sorry you are so unhappy at the moment.

Can I ask how long you and your partner have been together? Were your previous losses with this partner or before you were together? Did you both plan the pregnancy? What is it that has made you break up? Just his indifference or something else?

These are incredibly personal questions...so feel free to ignore. Bit if you want to chat, then you can answer.

@Mumdiva99 we were together just under a year, it was a bit rushed I'll admit having a baby and getting married but we were both happy to do it and that's what we both wanted. Yes - previous losses were his and we did plan the pregnancy just not as quickly as it happened. I broke up with him because I couldn't get over when he went behind my back, it was hurting me more and more as he was pushing me further away and not bothering to ask about appointments or to see scan photos etc, he was more concerned about living his own life than he is about the one that he created and he was never on my side. I guess I just had enough

The pregnancy is happening and that's your main focus.
You're allowed to feel down you're allowed to feel pissed off.
My friend is pregnant after multiple losses and is seeing one of the top obstetricians in the U.K. he told her, now that you're pregnant you must find something that makes you happy every single day. Force yourself when you can't. Your happiness is your baby's happiness.
I think this is a great idea.

She finds pictures on google of things she likes be it simple like flowers or nice places.
All the other shit can wait until baby is here. Your MIL is staying in touch but ignore if you are getting messages such as you haven't got it as bad as so and so. It's irrelevant how somebody else's pregnancy is going.
Find a happy place and stay there. If you can't reach out on the nhs for mental health help. It is there but you'll need to find it for your area online or via a gp call.

Do you mean he cheated on you ? If so you’re best off with him gone and you need to move on got the good of yourself and your baby. If you’re anxious anyway you’d be forever wondering about him and that’s not a good environment for a child.

You need to focus on yourself and your MH. Work on coping strategies and ways to deal with your anxiety / depression to get yourself strong.

People sometimes forget it can be hard for a partner to support someone struggling with their mental health, but if you’ve worked out your own coping strategies I’d imagine it would be easier for you and any future partner to support each other (I’m not suggesting your ex-fiancé’s behaviour is acceptable by the way but he’s obviously neither willing or equipped to support you).

wow talk about a lot on your plate
it sounds like you need to totally distance yourself from him and his family for a while
Go back to you midwife/Dr again and again and again , they should be supporting you
i'm so sorry about your nan

He shouldn't have to ask every single day how the baby is.

I'm not sure my husband ever specifically asked how the our babies were. It's not that he didn't care though, wellness was just a discussion when it needed to be.

I can't quite pick this apart but you really need help with your mental health.
Speak to your GP asap

I think you won't start feeling better until you finally stop expecting anything from your failed former fiancé. Someone who cheats on you while you're pregnant with their child has done something so catastrophic that it's unreasonable to expect you to get over it. It must be like trying to live in a house that's collapsed.

Likewise, you can't depend on his family for emotional support: who raised the cheater?! And what kind of person kicks off about a baby's sex? It's not as if you get to choose.

When your ex utters ridiculous remarks about you 'bringing it on yourself,' just flip them on their head and realise he is projecting. His remark translates as "I have brought this on myself." And of course, he has.

You need to grieve the life you thought you woukd have with him and get on with doing your own thing. Be kind and gentle to yourself and focus your love on the child that is coming.

God that sounds like crap - and as for MIL dispointed with gender, I hope you explained to the old baggage that the father decides the gender so go talk to her son about his rubbish sperm!!!
It sounds to me as if you have had an extremely lucky escape from a family of shitlords.
At least you will be able to bring your baby up how you want and I hope he pays maintenance for his child.

Oh and if she shagged someone else then you're well rid.

*he

OP ((((hugs)))). You are having a tough time. I too have suffered multiple miscarriage and then hyperemesis. It is awful. Add to that him going behind your back, I assume you think he cheated, and the horrible comment from MIL re gender and it's no surprise you feel so sad and anxious. This is now a time for you to really think about what YOU want. You and baby will be fine without him. As for comparing your pregnancy with his sisters, really he needs to grow up and understand every one is unique. He sound immature and like he adds to your anxiety. How have your parents been with you? Can they help you through this tough patch until you and baby are settled? Best of luck for the future. Don't doubt yourself, you can do this.

He also went behind my back when I first found out I was pregnant and I forgave him.

Sorry, what does this mean?

I would take time out from communicating with him and just focus on your own well-being. If you don't expect anything from him you won't be disappointed.
In his defence, it can be hard to support someone with MH issues as his mind doesn't work the same way as yours. When you have a midwife appointment that's just routine stuff to him. But in your mind it's huge. I'm not sure what he does in the military, but perhaps he has had to keep more focus on the job these last few weeks. I'm not excusing any poor behaviour on his behalf, just flagging that things will seem bigger and more of a priority to you than him.
When lockdown is over and you can meet up with your friends and family things will start to feel better.
If your relationship is as good as you thought it was (trying for a baby multiple times in the first year suggests you thought it was) then perhaps you'll find a way back to each other. If not, then you'll make a life.

Since lockdown I’ve been on my own (literally) as my baby’s dad (Ex fiancé) is in the army and my parents are key workers so they have had to be out a lot - I live with them

You are lucky to live with your parents and have support OP.

Sorry, what does this mean?

It means her DP shagged someone else behind her back just after she first found out she was pregnant and she forgave him.

He's excusing his appalling shitty behaviour by turning it around on you. Turn to your parents for support

If you were basically alone while you were with him - what's the difference now you've broken up?

At least now you can feel stronger than you made a decision to protect your own feelings - that has got to give your confidence a massive boost!

Remember this lockdown won't last forever. So be grateful you are getting some space. If you're really struggling being alone do you have a family member you can stay with. Not having anything to do is going to make you over-think and have higher anxiety.

You said you were married - is that so? I could not quite work it out from the above.

it sounds like you are upset about a lot of things. It may be a bit too early to suggest ending a marriage.

May be just take each day as it comes and good luck.

He sounds awful, and you sound well rid of him. Shagging other people, blaming you when things go wrong. Not good father material. How lucky you live with your parents!

I would also seek help for your mental health as this won’t be a good thing to be struggling with with a baby to look after.

She's broken up with her fiancé. They were going to have the wedding in eight weeks' time.

As others have said. Focus on you and the baby.

It may be that you and he can repair your relationship but I wouldn't worry about that now. It sounds like so much has happened to the both of you very quickly... Take time to adjust to being great parents.

Is he quite young? It might be that he needs to grow up a bit.

As for no one wanting you. That's rubbish. Plenty of single parents go one to have relationships. But please focus on you and baby now.

What the hell??? No! You didn't bring this on yourself at all, you're struggling with a high risk pregnancy after a miscarriage during a global pandemic with an unsupportive partner.

You're better off without him, you and your baby. Take care of yourself, relax and enjoy some peace before baby is born, I know easier said than done, but better him swanning off now than when you're tired and overwhelmed with a newborn baby. Lean on your parents as much as you can too

I’d try a different gp at the practice if you think you need medication.

OP you poor thing, no wonder you feel really bad with all of this going on. Try to look after yourself as much as you can, and allow yourself to feel sad about the situation. The feelings will pass eventually. If you can get some help with depression also that could be good, to get you through this very rough time.

As for the ex and his family--they sound rubbish and unreasonable. Maybe minimise contact for your own wellbeing? Please please reach out to your friends, they will be be the ones you can lean on xxxx

Whenever you need help somebody is there and that somebody is always a surprise.