Being told that "I brought this on myself"

[yeoma95601]

Hey guys, I’m just looking for advice/cheer up, I’m so sorry how long winded this is.

So my fiancé and I have broken up, I’m 25 weeks pregnant and I’ve been struggling for a while with my mental health. Since lockdown I’ve been on my own (literally) as my baby’s dad (Ex fiancé) is in the army and my parents are key workers so they have had to be out a lot - I live with them but was meant to move in to military base after the baby is born. We were meant to get married in 8 weeks which I had to organise alone like I’ve pretty much organised everything during the relationship, I’ve not had a single appointment where he’s come and I’ve had to save up money for the baby relatively on my own. This isn’t my first pregnancy as I’ve had multiple losses in the past too so I’m really anxious about the baby as it is.

Because I’ve been alone, unable to actually go out because I’m a high risk pregnancy, can’t see my friends, family or my fiancé I’ve been going deeper and deeper in to a dark place where I’ve just become nasty and emotionless. A huge argument started just before lockdown where my MIL was disappointed with the baby’s gender and fiancés sister got involved, there was a bit of a bust up but I thought it was all sorted, nonetheless I was still hurt and she doesn’t ask how I am or anything and I’m constantly being compared to his sister by him as she’s pregnant as well and diabetic and I’m not so I have “nothing on her” but his mum has been great since the fall out and apologised, she now makes a lot of effort daily with me.

So since I’ve been alone, my emotions have been everywhere, I’ve been back and forth the hospital for no movements from baby and hyperemesis and I’ve been pushed further away by the baby’s dad, some days he wouldn’t even ask how the baby is or how my appointments went after a scan/midwife appointment or when I’ve been rushed in and his excuse would always be “I’m busy/ I was going to ask you later” or some crap along them lines but I’d always give him the benefit of the doubt because of his job. He also went behind my back when I first found out I was pregnant and I forgave him. I also lost my nan on March 11th. I struggle extremely bad with separation anxiety as well so this is why I’m struggling so much being on my own (I know it’s childish).

Now we’ve broken up I just feel like I cannot cope, I can’t eat, sleep and I’m crying constantly. I find it very difficult to reach out to my friends because I don’t like to hinder them and I feel like I won’t be a good mother on my own and no one will ever want me because I’m clearly unstable and a single mother. I’m hurting that he doesn’t seem to care about me or the baby either and every time I’ve tried to reach out to him it’s “your fault, You brought this on yourself, you did this”

I don’t even know what I’m asking for tbh, I have spoken to the midwife and GP and don't seem to be getting anywhere. I just kind of came here to vent and have a cheer up 😔

Give the baby your surname too x

I think something to remember is that when he says "You brought this on yourself" what he means is "You should have put up with my shit, whatever mistreatment I chose to dish out to you, as well as my family's nastiness and be thankful for it". Now, that doesn't sound like such a 'good deal' for you, does it?

Impending motherhood is scary, even in the best of circumstances. And right now, with this virus, we're not in the best of circumstances. So please, give yourself a break. It's OK to be upset. You'd made a plan for your life and that plan is not now happening.

The first step is acceptance. And that means to stop trying to get him to be something he is not. Step back, stop contacting him. I know it's hard but you'll be amazed at the peace you will feel when you've done it.

From acceptance you'll move to gratitude. Gratitude that he showed his true self before you married him. Gratitude when you realize that you DO have the strength to move forward.

With acceptance and gratitude come freedom. Freedom to live your life, be a wonderful mother (and you will be!), and to appreciate yourself for the lovely and loving person you are.

Seek counseling. There are phone and online counselors. I think it would do you a world of good.

Remember that today is not forever. It's just today and it will soon be yesterday.

You are 25 weeks pregnant, with multiple losses in less than a year with this man?

Which pregnancy did he cheat on you during?

It sounds as though things have moved very fast. Speak to your health visitor she can do a MH assessment if your midwife or GP is not.

I know access to health professionals is more difficult during lockdown but you need to let them know how you feel. Speak to them again.

Hopefully you have support living with your parents.

"This isn’t my first pregnancy as I’ve had multiple losses in the past too
we were together just under a year, it was a bit rushed I'll admit having a baby and getting married but we were both happy to do it and that's what we both wanted. Yes - previous losses were his"

Wait a minute; you've had multiple miscarriages of his babies and are now 25 weeks pregnant, and all this happened in less than 12 months?

Thanks a lot of you for the advice, I really appreciate it and will certainly take it.

I know a few comments have come up regarding the time line - we've been together just shy of a year, literally days short. I only ever got to about 5 weeks pregnant and I tried to avoid this but one pregnancy occurred from rape so I mean thanks to the few vile comments about the timeline that I had to bring it up to defend myself- there were 3 pregnancies in total. I know a lot of it was rushed, I get it was too quick and too soon but I was pretty much head over heels and after the heartache and trauma that I went through I wanted a baby because I felt mentally ready - believe it or not I NEVER had MH before this pregnancy even after what happened to me and I was doing extremely well in life.

That's not me trying to play the victim but I probably should've put that in so people understand more about the ifs, buts and coconuts of it all.

Was he responsible for the rape?

The two of you were responsible for conceiving this baby and nobody has the right to tell you that you brought it on yourself, that is grossly unfair. He isn't exactly a man of honour walking out on his pregnant girlfriend. I'm glad his mum is now on your side, serves him right and you do have your parents even if they are not at home all the time.

For someone so young you've been through a heck of a lot, losing babies, etc and now having a high risk at pregnancy - you're only 25. It's a great pity you ever got involved with this useless article of a man, you could be enjoying yourself but that's hindsight and you have to deal with the circumstances you have.

It's hardly surprising you're in a dark place right now but hopefully things will improve and when you eventually have your baby, the drama everyone's attention will be on her or hm. I expect your mum or dad - or both - will have a bit of time off to ease you into motherhood at this difficult time.

In the meantime come on here a lot where you will have loads of support and don't be afraid to telephone anyone, such as the Samaritans, who are very sympathetic and great listeners.

All the very best .

What do your parents make of this? It’s more for them to support you than your GP. However, if you think your MH needs medical input, then of course seek professional advice.

He raped you?

I think you would benefit massively from some counselling. I know you probably don't think it still affects you but chances are it does.

I'm sorry that you went through that.

My mother was adamant whatever emotions you feels when pregnant your baby will absorb and reflect them back when she is born.

You're depressed? Baby will anxious cry and won't give you a moments rest. One of the other posters said a top doc gives the same advice so Mum isn't wrong.

You HAVE to find a way to make YOU happy and find YOUR joy, watch re-runs of Friends, bake, youtube yoga, online therapy, meditate, draw, diary, read books...Honestly you have choices & you might never have this time again.

You're going to be a Mum now so it won't be the last time you have to dig deep.

Oh and shame on your ex if he's not checking in with you now.. despite the split. And permission to ditch the in-laws if they make you sad!!

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm speaking from the perspective of a woman who has also been raped, so I understand what this does to your mind even though I spent as long as decades thinking I had moved on unscathed. I hadn't. I was deeply traumatized and until I started becoming physically ill as a result of this, I had no idea of it.

It's very common for victims of rape, abuse and sexual assault to suffer from PTSD - again something I'm aware of from personal experience. If this is the case with you it might be part of the explanation as to why you are feeling so desperate lately. Symptoms vary, and until I had a lightbulb moment I had no idea that what I was experiencing was actually flashbacks, nor that one of the markers of the condition was the very frightening short-term memory loss I went through after confronting a major trigger.

This condition can often go hand-in-hand with the kind of depressive symptoms you've been experiencing. It won't go away on its own: mine went untreated for almost 3 decades because I was simply unaware I had it.

If you think this might be a possibility with you, please consider talking to a HCP - lockdown or no lockdown. I wish I had identified and treated this silent, destructive monster many, many years before I did. I can honestly say EMDR therapy has changed my entire perspective on life. It really as as miraculous as the research tends to suggest it is.

Final point: do not be afraid to seek help. PTSD isn't strictly categorised as a mental illness, it's a textbook response to a psychological injury. You will not be showing yourself an 'unfit' mother and you don't risk having your child taken away from you.

Sending you a hug, if you'd like one, and I'm sorry you are in such a low place. It will get better. I know; I've been there.

You sound like you are taking on an awful lot all at the same time.
I wonder if hypnobirth might be a way to refocus your mind on your new arrival? They have lots of online versions.
Think: What a relief that you don't have to be organising a wedding right now.
Think: what a relief that I don't have to try and organise a house move whilst pregnant right now.
Think: how exciting, I get to meet lots of new mum's during an online antenatal class and I don't have to be dressed!

One of the hard things about depression is that often people think that somehow they've allowed themselves to become depressed when really that isn't true.
If someone pushed you down the stairs and you broke a leg, you would know that you didn't bring it on yourself. He's mentally done that to you.
He's cheated on you, minimized your genuine health concerns, and not shown much concern (or inclination to pay) about his own child. If you weren't depressed it would be worrying. Honestly, you are lucky to be rid of him.
If he's military, you will be able to have child support paid to you relatively easily - make sure that you do that, paying to support his own child is the absolute basic least that he should do.
Remind yourself every day of 1 thing you do that is good - caring for the baby, saving up for things, etc. and then think about how he doesn't even do that.
I think you should cut him off - just text anything he needs to know about the baby, but otherwise block him. Get someone else to read his texts and only show you relevant ones about the baby.
And start telling yourself all the positive things to look forward to - a baby that you'll love, freedom from being with an arsehole, parents who support you etc.

In sorry you are so down but there have been no 'vile' comments about the timeline.
You can't blame people for wanting some clarification given the circumstances.

The dangerous thing is: you’re hurting and you want the hurt to stop, which is only natural, and the fastest/easiest way back to ‘happiness’ is to get back together with your fiancé. But this will only be a temporary fix. ‘Phew my family is back together, the wedding doesn’t have to be cancelled, I don’t have to raise this baby alone’. But then unhappiness for the rest of your life / the rest of your child’s life / however long you can stand it because YOU ARE WITH THE WRONG PERSON. You need to play the long game. See the bigger picture. Yes it might be scary for now and yes it will be hard if you do it on your own FOR NOW but you physically can do it and you will be stronger, happier and have respect for yourself. Until you respect yourself, no one else will and you have to prove to yourself that you can do this and that you don’t need some asshole to lean on. What use is a crutch if it’s snapped in the middle and keeps on buckling every time you try and lean on it for support. Far better to learn how to walk without needing the crutch. And when you can, you will meet someone who will walk alongside you as an equal. You can do this. DO NOT go back to the fiancé. He’s not the one for you, and he’s not going to become the one for you, no matter how much you wish him to be. No matter how scared you are, you’ve got a responsibility now to your child to be a role model. Big girl pants on - you’ve got this.

I think you would benefit massively from some counselling.

Counselling isn't sufficient as a treatment for trauma. I've had several blocks of it, but only specialised psychotherapy can help in that situation. CBT is the 'go-to' cure on the NHS to this day, but on the many messages I've read from fellow-Mumsnetters who, like me, have benefitted from EMDR therapy, our experiences tend to match. EMDR is very, very effective. (And it is available on the NHS although it does have to be directly requested).

In sorry you are so down but there have been no 'vile' comments about the timeline.

Yes, there have. And the OP doesn't have to explain anything whatsoever to anybody on this thread.

The dangerous thing is: you’re hurting and you want the hurt to stop, which is only natural, and the fastest/easiest way back to ‘happiness’ is to get back together with your fiancé.

I agree

Ffs

My mother was adamant whatever emotions you feels when pregnant your baby will absorb and reflect them back when she is born.

Nonsense!!! A baby doesn't absorb emotions in utero like they absorb nutrients! Many a pregnant woman has gone through emotional trauma (and worse) and given birth to a perfectly calm baby. Well, as calm as a newborn normally is.

A baby once born may pick up on the mother's emotions. An upset mum can mean an unsettled baby. I think most mums can attest to that!

tried to avoid this but one pregnancy occurred from rape

So if he was the father to all your lost pregnancies and one of these pregnancies occurred from rape, then it means he raped you, right?

I know a lot of it was rushed, I get it was too quick and too soon but I was pretty much head over heels and after the heartache and trauma that I went through I wanted a baby because I felt mentally ready

So it wasn't even really about him, you just wanted a baby? You can't decide to have a baby with someone you barely know and expect it to turn out well because you feel 'ready'.
I guess it is in that context that the "brought it on yourself" may be felt though a bit rich coming from the twat that also decided to have a baby with someone he barely knew. Besides, what's the point, for better or worse, what's done is done.

You need help OP before the baby is here. Focus on counselling rather than your ex for the sake of your child and yourself.

Speaking as a one time single dad FWIW..

Now we’ve broken up I just feel like I cannot cope, I can’t eat, sleep and I’m crying constantly.

Can i ask why?.

You should be rejoicing that you won't be married to this hero and his uber toxic family, not happy with the baby's gender??

Is she related to the at mengle bloke?

God they do sound toxic you've not missed a bullet there love you've missed a nuclear missile!

Best seems to me to keep pressure on your GP for the MH issues do not be ashamed of that. I've known peeps suffering from that for years.

You'll have to relie on your family they sound supportive even if their a tad busy at the moment! and listen to the advice of the women on here you'll not find a more knowlegabe bunch!

And futher to that manys the time a mum to be has posted wondering on how she'll cope but amazingly they do, and very well too!

Bes of luck and hope all goes well when the babes here:)

Sounds like you are best off without him. If he can’t even remember to ask about the baby after a scan he can’t attend, plus your other examples, then he’s not going to be any use to you ever.

You need to focus on yourself and the baby now.
Can you look up any mums to be groups in the area to start making a few new friends? Ask at the doctors surgery too. As well as make your midwife aware of you struggling.
Get in touch with some of your friends, good friends will want to support you, suggest a weekly catch up.
Are you allowed to do yoga, or go for a walk? If not maybe meditation? Some stretching.
What about taking on the meal planning and cooking for you and your parents? It will give you something to focus on everyday and help you eat healthily for the baby.
I don’t know if any of these suggestions are helpful with a high risk pregnancy, I just hope you can find something happy to focus on so your stress levels go down, that will help the baby too.
Remember you are now in control, you are so strong you are growing a new human being, the sun is shining and you no longer have a useless dickhead to look after (as that would’ve been your life when you lived together).

My sil took sertraline through pregnancy go and have a gp and ask for meds. Also cut his family out of life he will see baby when its here but u dont need them in your life but baby will. Tbh your well rid alot of army husbands end up with PTSD and domestic violence. U be fine feet up tv on get in garden and enjoy see the gp. X

You’re better off without him and his family. Quite honestly I think you have dodged a bullet here. Be careful about engaging with his mother.

Can you get help & support from your own parents?

Your mental health doesn’t sound great (no judgment) - you must call your GP and ask for help and support, try to access all the help you can. Do it for the baby if you feel you don’t ‘deserve’ it.

It’s natural for you to feel grief in your circumstances. It’s hard, but it will pass.

Reach out to your friends provided they are kind and supportive and won’t create drama. If they are not kind and supportive, remind yourself you have your whole life to make friends who are.

You haven’t brought this on yourself, and you & the baby are better off on your own than with a toxic family.

Good luck