Being told that "I brought this on myself"

[yeoma95601]

Hey guys, I’m just looking for advice/cheer up, I’m so sorry how long winded this is.

So my fiancé and I have broken up, I’m 25 weeks pregnant and I’ve been struggling for a while with my mental health. Since lockdown I’ve been on my own (literally) as my baby’s dad (Ex fiancé) is in the army and my parents are key workers so they have had to be out a lot - I live with them but was meant to move in to military base after the baby is born. We were meant to get married in 8 weeks which I had to organise alone like I’ve pretty much organised everything during the relationship, I’ve not had a single appointment where he’s come and I’ve had to save up money for the baby relatively on my own. This isn’t my first pregnancy as I’ve had multiple losses in the past too so I’m really anxious about the baby as it is.

Because I’ve been alone, unable to actually go out because I’m a high risk pregnancy, can’t see my friends, family or my fiancé I’ve been going deeper and deeper in to a dark place where I’ve just become nasty and emotionless. A huge argument started just before lockdown where my MIL was disappointed with the baby’s gender and fiancés sister got involved, there was a bit of a bust up but I thought it was all sorted, nonetheless I was still hurt and she doesn’t ask how I am or anything and I’m constantly being compared to his sister by him as she’s pregnant as well and diabetic and I’m not so I have “nothing on her” but his mum has been great since the fall out and apologised, she now makes a lot of effort daily with me.

So since I’ve been alone, my emotions have been everywhere, I’ve been back and forth the hospital for no movements from baby and hyperemesis and I’ve been pushed further away by the baby’s dad, some days he wouldn’t even ask how the baby is or how my appointments went after a scan/midwife appointment or when I’ve been rushed in and his excuse would always be “I’m busy/ I was going to ask you later” or some crap along them lines but I’d always give him the benefit of the doubt because of his job. He also went behind my back when I first found out I was pregnant and I forgave him. I also lost my nan on March 11th. I struggle extremely bad with separation anxiety as well so this is why I’m struggling so much being on my own (I know it’s childish).

Now we’ve broken up I just feel like I cannot cope, I can’t eat, sleep and I’m crying constantly. I find it very difficult to reach out to my friends because I don’t like to hinder them and I feel like I won’t be a good mother on my own and no one will ever want me because I’m clearly unstable and a single mother. I’m hurting that he doesn’t seem to care about me or the baby either and every time I’ve tried to reach out to him it’s “your fault, You brought this on yourself, you did this”

I don’t even know what I’m asking for tbh, I have spoken to the midwife and GP and don't seem to be getting anywhere. I just kind of came here to vent and have a cheer up 😔

Sounds like a toxic relationship.
I'd cut contact with him and make plans on doing this solo. Do not add him to the birth certificate (travelling abroad, getting passports for your DC will be a nightmare if you do!) and file for child maintenance when baby is here.
If you really feel you won't cope as a single mother, adoption might be a path for you.

Do you mean he cheated on you?
He sounds awful tbh, and you are better off without him.
Honestly, it may not seem like it now.
Speak to your friends, they'll want to support you, and we won't always be in lockdown.
I'm sure your parents would only be too happy to support you, as well.

You live with your parents?
That's good.

I would tune out your x fiance and his parents and his sister.

Count every day that passes as another day that you have been detached from them.

You're too enmeshed with their expectations of you and their opinions of you.

Disconnect and think about what you have. Congratulations on your pregnancy! You have the security of a roof over your head, with your parents.

Do not go back to the vomit now trying to persuade him you are the reasonable one, you did nothing wrong, your needs deserve to be met, his needs are unreasonable, his family's interference is unbearable. None of that

Detach. Disconnect. Regroup. Focus on you and your baby and enjoy the support of your parents.

There are lots of good clips on youtube on how to get over a breakup.
Watch about five of them and you WILL fee a bit more positive.

God he sounds utterly horrific, this isn't helpful but you're well shot of a man like that.

I'd bin off his family for starters!

His mum had "gender disappointment"-WTAF??

He cheated on you so chances are it wouldn't have lasted in the long run or you would have been constantly forgiving affairs.

So perhaps that it's over now is a blessing although I'm sure it doesn't seem it atm.

"I feel like I won’t be a good mother on my own and no one will ever want me"

You'll be fine as a mother & have the support of your friends & family.

Don't be pressurising yourself about future relationships though-they should be the last thing on your mind atm!

I think your hurting, confused, scared and not very well (MH).
I've had MH issues all my life. You'll be ok xx

Don't give up on your baby. Lifeasabeach's comment is vicious.

I wouldnt give up on him, or his family either.
Maybe your not being very nice yourself atm. Think about that. Honestly.
Forgive yourself though. It's a difficult time.

You'll be a great mum. Anxiety and self analysis are all part of it.
Mines thankfully now 18yo and off to uni in September, and it's not been easy but it's also been wonderful and full of love.

Watch out for some very biased advice from above posters. A lot of them have very low levels of empathy.

I'm unclear on his logic.

You brought on yourself...
A pandemic...shit luck and scary
Lockdown...shit luck
High risk pregnancy...shit luck and scary
Reduced movements...shit luck and scary
Shit fiance...his fault
Cheating fiance...his fault
Lackluster father to be...his fault

You are better off without. Nothing wrong with single parents, far better one fantastic one to offset the crap one. As opposed to one dragged down, stressed and treated badly parent and the source of the shit other.

Honestly his whole family sound like absolute horrors. You're well out of there op. I would think carefully before putting him on the birth certificate. Probably much better for your mental health and that if your child.

You need to be realistic that even though the relationship happened quickly and it's what you both wanted, it sounds like it was very one sided, with you putting in all the effort and your Ex doing very little.

Your baby is 50% his burden of responsibility, don't let him get away with slinking off into the distance and deciding it isn't convenient for him to face up to his duties seriously. If he is still in the UK Military you have far more of a chance ensuring he stays on track. Don't take it all on your own. Time to get tough very quickly.

Why did you think it was a good idea to get pregnant with this man? And after less than a year of being together. Seriously, some people seem to think babies are just another accessory to accumulate. So yes, you did bring this on yourself, and you should have taken the decision a lot more seriously.

@yeoma95601.... I am struggling to make sense of your timeline. You were together less than a year, you had several miscarriages, and you are 25 weeks pregnant?

But leaving this aside, I'm just wondering what made you think that this man would be the one to spend your entire life with. What made you believe that, even though you pretty much organised everything during the relationship, and he would be worthy of being the father of your child? He left you to save up for your baby. He cheated and pushed you further and further away. This was never going to work!

It is understandable that your emotions are all over the place and you feel that you cannot cope, but you must stop reaching out to him. Every time you do, you give him an opportunity to reject you and hurt you even more. The more you alliw him to hurt you, the more your mental health will deteriorate.

For your own sake and for the sake of your baby you must now try to do your very best and focus on your own strength and pull yourself out of this pit of despair. First and foremost, seek help from your doctor. There are medications that are safe in pregnancy that will help you calm down and see through the fog you are in. Hopefully you can also access counselling, either via the NHS or privately.

However, you cannot remain passive and hope that there is an easy cure for your anxiety and your broken heart. You have to do your bit and find a way of coping with the shit that life can throw at you. Don't allow yourself to cry all day and feed on hope that he'll suddenly become the man you want him to be. Ain't gonna happen. But you don't need him. Prioritise yourself and your own needs above everything else, and focus on the practicalities of becoming a single mum. You can do this.

Lastly, you could do worse than read Dr Norwood's book, Women Who Love Too Much.

Shocked about the MIL having gender disappointment, what the actual hell?

It does sound very rushed op and perhaps you were seeing something in him that wasnt there because you wanted to be settled down and start a family (I made this mistake). It might be time to accept he isnt the person you thought he was and focus on what you want your future to look like with your baby. Expect nothing from him as you dont want to be dependent on him even just emotionally.

Seriously, some people seem to think babies are just another accessory to accumulate. So yes, you did bring this on yourself, and you should have taken the decision a lot more seriously.

Very helpful. Especially as a response to someone who is so clearly struggling. Do you feel better about yourself, kicking someone who is already so far down?

You dont want to be with someone like him, cheating in a year is a joke, and it sounds like he's blaming u for his cheating... That is a bloody red flag, he's not even accepting responsibility for being a dick

Now, ur child matters to u, not eating will put the baby at risk, u want to be healthy to have a healthy child, please dont underestimate the importance of eating healthy and getting ur supplements.

Shocked about the MIL having gender disappointment, what the actual hell.

Indeed. Perhaps the OP could refer ex-fiance's mother directly to him, seeing as the chromosomes that determine the sex come directly from the father.

OP, I'm sorry you have been so badly let down by this appalling family.

@itsgoodtobehome lovely and helpful.

OP I had really bad anxiety when I was pregnant last year, that was with my partner by my side and no pandemic so I cannot even imagine how worrying it must be in your circumstances.

As for your babies father it may seen scary atm but I think you're better off without. even with everything going on I think it's important for you to get help with your mental health. I didnt and I really wish I did because it followed me after I gave birth for a little while and it's so important to have support.

you havent brought this on yourself - how dare he after he is the one who cheated and has not been supportive to you when you're carrying HIS baby.

The problem firstly is that this relationship progressed too quickly...multiple pregnancies and now a baby due all in the space of an year with the wedding planned?
No wonder your emotions are all over the place, so many high's and low's within a short space of time.
I am afraid I agree the relationship sounded very one sided.
You sound lonely, whereas infact you do actually have people around you who care. Sometimes mum's to be expect too much of other people I am afraid and think their excitement will match your's.
Good luck with everything.

Hi OP, this is going to be brutal. I'm sorry.

I don't think he had any intention of marrying you. You were a convenient shag when he was home, and he spun you the line about getting married so that you'd always be there when he wanted to get his end away. hence his total lack of interest in anything to do with the wedding. However now the date is getting nearer, his line is catching up with him so he's getting out. Your MH issues have therefore been a godsend to him, as he can conveniently make this your fault not his. He doesn't have to admit that he's a shitebag. Far from your MH being the issue, he's rubbing his hands with glee that you've given him an excuse.

He's a dick, and he thinks with his dick. Try to get your head round the idea that he was never what you thought he was. And then be glad he's gone. His lack of support when he should have been there for you was possibly doing you more harm than if he hadn't been there at all.

I think feedingthebirds is correct unfortunately, he is a user and has been spinning you a lie.

Look after yourself op, your baby needs you now.

He sounds like am asshole and his family don't seem much better. You are better off away from him. Him saying it's your fault and you brought it on yourself is,just because he knows he's wrong but is trying to chip away at your confidence.
I 'm sure you'll be a good mum but do reach out to your friends and parents, they will want to support you.
Tbh it doesn't sound like he was very caring, what sort of father to be doesn't ask about scans and if you and the baby are okay following checks for reduced movement?
I'd leave the door open if he or his family want to see the baby (you can always review f this is a good thing) but I wouldn't contact him.
Think you do need to see the GP about your mental health and hopefully they will support you. It's never a bad thing to ask for help.

I took the miscarriages as being from previous relationship(s).

As it is though Op is approx 6months pregnant with someone she has known for less than a year, which is still very rushed an ill advised for anyone I would have thought-regardless of what lies he might have been feeding her!

Please stop reaching out to him and contacting him. The relationship is over, it's up to him if he wants contact when it is born. You just happen to be pregnant with his child. Please start distancing yourself and relying on yourself. You'll be amazed at how strong you are when you realise that it's all up to you (you haven't brought it on yourself, but you must look out for yourself). No one else can do this but you, and you can do it.

I took the miscarriages as being from previous relationship(s).

No, OP said that the previous losses were his.

It might not seem like it now but trust me when I say you are well shot of the lot of them.

I don't know if he ever intended to marry you or not. What I do know is that you can't change him. You can't make him care. You can't make him want to marry you or be a good dad.

So focus on what you CAN do which is take care of yourself and be the best mother you can possibly be to your son or daughter.

As for nobody else wanting you well, that's just not true but I really think you'd benefit from putting men and relationships completely from your mind and focusing on you and your child.

@Feedingthebirds1 is spot on.

Really sorry to hear about your nan and previous pregnancies. I would like to make some very gentle suggestions. I feel much less alone when Im listening to the radio or podcasts. In your case I would really recommend listening to Griefcast. I think you should try and listen to something that will make you laugh. Im not going to name any because I dont know your tastes.

Be kind to yourself.