Being told that "I brought this on myself"

[yeoma95601]

Hey guys, I’m just looking for advice/cheer up, I’m so sorry how long winded this is.

So my fiancé and I have broken up, I’m 25 weeks pregnant and I’ve been struggling for a while with my mental health. Since lockdown I’ve been on my own (literally) as my baby’s dad (Ex fiancé) is in the army and my parents are key workers so they have had to be out a lot - I live with them but was meant to move in to military base after the baby is born. We were meant to get married in 8 weeks which I had to organise alone like I’ve pretty much organised everything during the relationship, I’ve not had a single appointment where he’s come and I’ve had to save up money for the baby relatively on my own. This isn’t my first pregnancy as I’ve had multiple losses in the past too so I’m really anxious about the baby as it is.

Because I’ve been alone, unable to actually go out because I’m a high risk pregnancy, can’t see my friends, family or my fiancé I’ve been going deeper and deeper in to a dark place where I’ve just become nasty and emotionless. A huge argument started just before lockdown where my MIL was disappointed with the baby’s gender and fiancés sister got involved, there was a bit of a bust up but I thought it was all sorted, nonetheless I was still hurt and she doesn’t ask how I am or anything and I’m constantly being compared to his sister by him as she’s pregnant as well and diabetic and I’m not so I have “nothing on her” but his mum has been great since the fall out and apologised, she now makes a lot of effort daily with me.

So since I’ve been alone, my emotions have been everywhere, I’ve been back and forth the hospital for no movements from baby and hyperemesis and I’ve been pushed further away by the baby’s dad, some days he wouldn’t even ask how the baby is or how my appointments went after a scan/midwife appointment or when I’ve been rushed in and his excuse would always be “I’m busy/ I was going to ask you later” or some crap along them lines but I’d always give him the benefit of the doubt because of his job. He also went behind my back when I first found out I was pregnant and I forgave him. I also lost my nan on March 11th. I struggle extremely bad with separation anxiety as well so this is why I’m struggling so much being on my own (I know it’s childish).

Now we’ve broken up I just feel like I cannot cope, I can’t eat, sleep and I’m crying constantly. I find it very difficult to reach out to my friends because I don’t like to hinder them and I feel like I won’t be a good mother on my own and no one will ever want me because I’m clearly unstable and a single mother. I’m hurting that he doesn’t seem to care about me or the baby either and every time I’ve tried to reach out to him it’s “your fault, You brought this on yourself, you did this”

I don’t even know what I’m asking for tbh, I have spoken to the midwife and GP and don't seem to be getting anywhere. I just kind of came here to vent and have a cheer up 😔

Can some of you think before you hit the send button, for those sanctimonious coments, a little kindness and understanding goes a long way here!.

Someone who cheats on you while you're pregnant with their child has done something so catastrophic that it's unreasonable to expect you to get over it

This is one of the wisest comments I have every read on mumsnet.

Op after a break up it's always a horrendous time, add in the fact that you are pregnant and isolated and it's no wonder you feel dreadful at the moment. Please contact your midwife and chat to them about this. Please remember that how you feel now will fade and eventually pass. You made a brave decision, the right one by all accounts, so now please stick to your decision and stay away from this man and his seemingly dreadful family. You will be happy again and believe me you will eventually meet someone who deserves you but just focus on your and your baby for a while. Have you got a good network of friends? If so make use of them, call them, arrange a zoom meet up. Hopefully in a week or two you will be able.to actually hug them!

The issue of whether he raped you or someone else did is very important. You should not be in a relationship with a rapist. Your mental health will suffer and you will be at risk physically.

Love and support xx

It sounds as if you’ve been through a really tough time. One day you will look back and wonder why you were ever attracted to this loser and struggle to explain how you would have ever considered marrying him.

Right now, it sounds as if you are contacting him for support. I know it’s hard but you really need to stop and not crack. He is loving making you feel wretched and the quicker that you understand he will never give you what you’re looking for, the easier it will be for you to start a new chapter in your life. This will need a concerted effort and mean finding a way of leaning on others (not his mother) and of self soothing.

Who can you lean on? Your friends if true friends would be horrified if they realised what is going on, I know I would.

I agree with others that you should contact the Gp surgery for a second opinion to get medication. If they knew you were raped and refused to treat you this is abominable.

In case you missed it, Midwife1997 advised you to ask talk the midwife about putting you in touch with the perinatal mental health team.

You have made it look like people have been unreasonable to ask for some further details. Posts about rape are going to spark concern. You have spoken about multiple mc, you have been with your ex for about a year but according to your other thread where you found out you were pregnant in March you said something about having struggled for 4 years to get this far in your pregnancy?

OP, it is very clear that you made the right decision in ending this relationship. Now its time to move on. Busy yourself with practical jobs; where are you living now, is it stable accommodation? Is there an option to move in with any family for support? Do you feel safe where you live?

Have you sorted out finances? Are you starting to prepare for this baby coming?

You need to focus on your mental health, your current mood and stress levels have a direct impact on your baby's development. I tell you that not to guilt you but to remind you that moving on from this will benefit you both. You have a lot to look forward to - becoming a mother is amazing! Focus on that feeling you will have when you meet baby for the first time. Listen to some hypnobirthing podcasts online, they are really relaxing. Focus on getting outside for fresh air everyday, video calling a friend or family member every day, how about taking up a new hobby, eg buy knitting or crochet stuff online and use youtube to try and learn to make something for baby?

Focus on building a future for you and your lovely baby, you can do this!