Being told that "I brought this on myself"

[yeoma95601]

Hey guys, I’m just looking for advice/cheer up, I’m so sorry how long winded this is.

So my fiancé and I have broken up, I’m 25 weeks pregnant and I’ve been struggling for a while with my mental health. Since lockdown I’ve been on my own (literally) as my baby’s dad (Ex fiancé) is in the army and my parents are key workers so they have had to be out a lot - I live with them but was meant to move in to military base after the baby is born. We were meant to get married in 8 weeks which I had to organise alone like I’ve pretty much organised everything during the relationship, I’ve not had a single appointment where he’s come and I’ve had to save up money for the baby relatively on my own. This isn’t my first pregnancy as I’ve had multiple losses in the past too so I’m really anxious about the baby as it is.

Because I’ve been alone, unable to actually go out because I’m a high risk pregnancy, can’t see my friends, family or my fiancé I’ve been going deeper and deeper in to a dark place where I’ve just become nasty and emotionless. A huge argument started just before lockdown where my MIL was disappointed with the baby’s gender and fiancés sister got involved, there was a bit of a bust up but I thought it was all sorted, nonetheless I was still hurt and she doesn’t ask how I am or anything and I’m constantly being compared to his sister by him as she’s pregnant as well and diabetic and I’m not so I have “nothing on her” but his mum has been great since the fall out and apologised, she now makes a lot of effort daily with me.

So since I’ve been alone, my emotions have been everywhere, I’ve been back and forth the hospital for no movements from baby and hyperemesis and I’ve been pushed further away by the baby’s dad, some days he wouldn’t even ask how the baby is or how my appointments went after a scan/midwife appointment or when I’ve been rushed in and his excuse would always be “I’m busy/ I was going to ask you later” or some crap along them lines but I’d always give him the benefit of the doubt because of his job. He also went behind my back when I first found out I was pregnant and I forgave him. I also lost my nan on March 11th. I struggle extremely bad with separation anxiety as well so this is why I’m struggling so much being on my own (I know it’s childish).

Now we’ve broken up I just feel like I cannot cope, I can’t eat, sleep and I’m crying constantly. I find it very difficult to reach out to my friends because I don’t like to hinder them and I feel like I won’t be a good mother on my own and no one will ever want me because I’m clearly unstable and a single mother. I’m hurting that he doesn’t seem to care about me or the baby either and every time I’ve tried to reach out to him it’s “your fault, You brought this on yourself, you did this”

I don’t even know what I’m asking for tbh, I have spoken to the midwife and GP and don't seem to be getting anywhere. I just kind of came here to vent and have a cheer up 😔

Op, please talk to your doctor about getting mental health support in place, preferably before the baby is born. Having a therapist to talk to would help you process all of this, you may benefit from medication, and it would be hope to get a support in place before you experience the post-birth hormonal/sleep-deprivation phase.

This is not me saying you brought this on yourself. It is not me saying you are crazy.

It is me saying that there has been a lot of drama and upheaval in your life during the last year and anyone would need assistance and support under these circumstances.

You've had a pretty crap year

I suggest you go back and read your OP as if it was somebody else posting. The ex's whole family sounds pretty toxic, doesn't it? What a lucky escape. Fuck the ex-almost-MIL and her gender disappointment. How dare she!

Of course you feel crap, now. Seek all the support you can for your mental health, expect nothing useful from your ex and his horrendous family - CMS will deal with the financial support you're owed for your child.

And be kind to yourself.

I think something to remember is that when he says "You brought this on yourself" what he means is "You should have put up with my shit, whatever mistreatment I chose to dish out to you, as well as my family's nastiness and be thankful for it". Now, that doesn't sound like such a 'good deal' for you, does it?

I think I made a mistake about you being 25 years old, you say you are 25 weeks pregnant. Sorry about that, I do wonder how old you are but you don't have to say, it's your business. Both you and the soldier sound very young but we can't always tell from posts.

yeoma, why on earth would you want a baby with someone who 1. raped you and 2. 'went behind your back '(whatever that means, you don't say what he did). I 'get' it's too late to do anything about it now so you have to deal with it but, quite honestly, you are better off without him. As long as mum and dad will help, you'll get through.

I take it you weren,t rapped by this guy were you?
Also did he have an affair or was it asomehting else he went behind your back for.

Hi there,
I'm sorry you are having such a bad time. Next time you see your midwife ask her to refer you to the 'perinatal mental health' team. They will have your back during and after the pregnancy and will ensure you get the support and treatment you need.
Take good care. x

June I got the impression that the pregnancy which resulted from rape was also from the op's ex-fiance but she hasn't come back to confirm one way or the other.

Would they not need to do an assessment before referring to peri natal MH team? IME it is difficult and only the most severe cases receive intervention from the team, most people are offered early help, which would also benefit the OP, but not as intensive.

yeoma, you'd be surprised how anxious, insecure and depressed some people become for just a short while at around six months pregnant. It doesn't usually last very long but you have a particularly difficult set of circumstances to deal with right now. However it might be a good idea to think positively and believe it will pass soon - because it might.

How has it taken you four years to get pregnant with a guy you have been with a year?

@sobeyondthehills I don't WANT to explain myself nor the issue I disclosed earlier which is why I'm trying to leave as much as I can out as possible. I've known my ex for years - things can happen in the time you know someone before a relationship, I don't need to explain myself 100% because I'm not looking for opinions, I'm looking for advice on coping.

I'd really appreciate if people stopped trying to make their own assumptions on what's gone on in the last year, I've disclosed an issue on one pregnancy, I've explained I knew my fiancé for a long time before our relationship began and I DO NOT wish to discuss them anymore as it's upsetting for me to feel like I have to defend myself on a timeline that I don't want to go in to (because yes I slept with him before our relationship began and we stayed in contact for a while before getting together- big whoop) and a situation I shouldn't have to discuss to anyone.

In 5 years time when you're absolutely smashing it as a single mum, you will look back at this thread and chuckle. You'll say to yourself seriously why did I care about such a selfish prick of a man. I deserved better and you will realise that saying you can't do this alone too is untrue. You absolutely CAN do this. I did it. I thought exactly the same, so stayed in a very unhappy relationship. Since I got the balls to end it-3 years ago I have flourished as a person. Know your self worth, don't let anyone treat you like crap. I'm so sorry you're going through a shit time. I was incredibly depressed when I was pregnant and a right bitch made much worse by wanker ex. Sending you a big virtual hug. You can do this

Yeoma...

The concerns about the timeline aren’t for salacious details. The concerns are because the information you have presented makes it look like you have a very unstable life and low self-esteem.

I have my own episode of partnering with a long-term friend that to outsiders looked like I was making crazy choices. That absolutely wasn’t the case and I have had a wonderful life shared with him since, but I understand why people were concerned at the time because from the outside it did look odd.

@yeoma95601..... I'm sorry if the comments about your timeline upset you. I would just like to say that I genuinely could not figure it out. It added a layer of confusion to an already complicated and distressing situation.

Anyway, I urge you to consider the suggestions offered by all the posters here, despite any misunderstandings. There is help for you out there, and I'm sure you'll find the strength to take care of yourself your child.

Yourself AND your child...

Ceramicballerina is right - my mum told me the same when I was pregnant.

I would focus on the fact that the baby is coming and you do not have time to deal with your ex family (or even him) for at least the next few months. It sounds like you would like to have their support or care but instead of getting it, they bring you further down. So no more of that.

Appreciate it’s an unfortunate time and it is hard for everyone, so you have to generate your own support and happiness. I know it sounds bonkers, but think of happiness as a care routine. So if someone can’t do your nails or a facial (this is not a very good analogy sorry I’m not a salon person) you do it at home. Might not be the exact same but it might be good different. A finding out more about you - different. Take the moments you can with your family, maybe even give them some extra support- ask them how they are etc be a busy strong for them - you can do it. It sounds as though the relationship disappointments have fixated all the things you were hoping for but didn’t get from your partner - it’s a bit like a debt that he should pay back. But he won’t - you have to write off these “losses” and move on.

Can you message your midwife about how you're feeling? mine were really good that way. Thinking of you op.

Did your ex rape you? And you stayed with him and ttc again?

Can I ask why?

And he was unfaithful to you when you were pg, and you stayed with him?

Why?

You are MUCH better off being by yourself than with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

You are lucky that you live with your parents, and have their support.

My advice would be to block your ex and his family on everything, then contact the CSA for payment.

Focus on yourself and your baby. Never mind worrying about your ex and what he thinks. You should be doing cartwheels down the road, having got rid of him.

Then do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your standards and boundaries in future relationships, so you don’t put up with any shit.

Did your ex rape you? And you stayed with him and ttc again?

Can I ask why?

And he was unfaithful to you when you were pg, and you stayed with him?

Why?

Well we can't stop you asking. But I can tell you straight, it's none of your bloody business.

Hi OP

I don't think people are asking for details to be nosey or judge you, just that the advice given to someone having a difficult time in a 10 year and otherwise good relationship may differ from advice given to someone in a short term relationship or one in which he had raped you (it's not clear if that happened but if it did then we are all concerned for you).

I think the GP might be a good place to start if you feel like you are not coping.

I think the fact you aren,t answering the questions means people can,t really help you.I mean if he is responsible for rape and ifidenlity, then think of this as a lucky escape.

If that is not the case then why let others think that. Not sure what you want people to say .

This is too confusing to answer without details

Having just read the update by the op I do not think she was raped by her ex fiance but by somebody else. She was seeing the ex fiance while still in another relationship but they weren't 'officially' together until a year ago. Who knows who raped her? Could be the ex before last but she's made it clear it isn't our business so I am not going to ask her any more. All I can say is thank goodness that pregnancy didn't last!

None of this alters the fact that latest ex is a dead leg and she's better off without him, however the girl does sound extremely unstable.

His mum started an argument because your baby isn't the sex she wanted? And his sister got involved too? What the hell!
I'm sorry you are having such a shit time right now, read what Notenoughchocolateomg and Sushiroller wrote, no matter what happens with him or his batshit family, you can do this, and you'll be a great mum.

In relation to the PP who wrote this:

None of this alters the fact that latest ex is a dead leg and she's better off without him, however the girl does sound extremely unstable.

And I'm not even going to transcribe their comments about the rape and previous pregnancy. They don't bear repeating. As for the conjecture about the OP's mental state - in less than useful or remotely helpful terms it has to be said - it's great to see such an insightful armchair diagnosis made from a few lines of typeface and an understandable reluctance to respond to intrusive questioning about a particularly sensitive, invasive, traumatic crime. Could I have a go on your virtual couch next, please, Dr. Freud?

The people haranguing this already vulnerable woman should be ashamed of themselves. The sad thing is, they won't.

Maybe have a think about what you've typed before you hit 'send'.