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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ABU to put a note on my very rural door telling randoms to eff off.

245 replies

KnickersandGnomes · 01/05/2020 20:59

Possibly outing but I'm a bit freaked out. Nearest neighbours are over a mile away, they really are - I live in the middle of nowhere. Couriers wont deliver because they swear they can't find the place blah blah etc etc.

I have some pretty horrid health issues, mostly Lyme Disease based and they leave me so tired and wrung out.

This afternoon I had some unexpected knocking at my door which I ignored followed up by a woman's voice in my garden and banging on my living room, bedroom and porch windows.

There was nothing put though my letter box and my garden gate was left wide open (mahoosive no no as I have five dogs) and it's left me both angry and scared.

I don't like or want to be angry and scared but I am both now so I'm hoping that the Mumsnet wisdom can help?

I have no recent partner that I have parted with on bad terms and because of my illness I live a very quiet life these days so I am utterly lost?

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 02/05/2020 06:06

'problems' not 'prolbems', sorry.

carriebreadshaw · 02/05/2020 06:20

I HATE people knocking at the door. If they must then I think one knock is acceptable then they should leave.

yomellamoHelly · 02/05/2020 06:46

Get a Ring doorbell. Then you can check on your phone who's at the door before answering it.

Daisydoesnt · 02/05/2020 07:10

OP you are being ridiculous. Our nearest neighbours are over a mile away (and by the way, that does not mean remote in my book). A mile is like a 15 minute walk!

But even then that doesn't mean you won't get walkers going past, joggers, the Royal Mail and other randomers. That's just modern life. When you are away from other houses then when people are lost, can't find an address, have found a stray dog, they are more likely to bang on your door, as there isn't another house to ask at.

If you don't wan't people opening your gate then you need to put a lock on it. But you will still need somewhere for the Royal Mail to leave your post. Why didn't you just go to the window and ask through the glass what she wanted??

Lynda07 · 02/05/2020 07:24

If you have five dogs I would think you are fairly safe from burglars if that's what is worrying you. One barking dog would surely be enough to put them off, never mind five.

I still think it could have been someone in difficulties who needed your help but you'll never know now. Telling people to 'eff off' and calling them 'randoms', whether by notice or in person, is really not very neighbourly.

RandomUser3049 · 02/05/2020 07:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Kissmycousinkate · 02/05/2020 07:37

If your rural it could be a local resilience group has been set up to check in on areas to make sure you're getting good, prescriptions etc, not on though leaving gates open

littleoldme39 · 02/05/2020 07:42

This sounds very similar to my mum's situation so I understand your concerns and don't think you're being harsh or unreasonable. These are unprecedented times and you're scared.

Mum lives in a rural location and has a myriad of health issues so is cocooning. She's also on her own for the first time in nearly 50 years as Dad died suddenly in February so throw acute grief into the pot and she has a lot to deal with. I'm remote working so work at hers during the day for company / support, do her shopping, run her errands etc. My brother also calls (we are never there at the same time) but no-one else crosses the front door.

This situation is bringing out the goodness in a lot of people so your caller was probably checking on you and could have been concerned that you weren't answering. Find a secure window with visibility of the door that you feel safe using and use that to talk to any callers; the interaction will help you mentally, you'll know what they want, you can keep your distance and you can close the window afterwards. The neighbours have rallied around mum and although they keep their distance and don't come in, she'd be lost without them.

Would you trust any of your neighbours enough to give them a spare key? It might help ease your mind.

Take care x

Shuttup · 02/05/2020 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 02/05/2020 07:56

I live in similar isolated rural position.. one of the reasons for doing so is that the village and scattered neighbour are so friendly and a real community. Especially right now.

I know our parish council has organised a pile of volunteers to check up in the welfare of the shielding or elderly.

If they can't raise someone but car and dogs home - that would indicate you are probably in the house but too unwell to answer the door - because ANY OTHER behaviour would be batshit crazy and I fathomable to most normal people. (Except on MN where door answering is a niche activity reserved for the ridiculously cavalier amongst us)

Faced with this scenario - I would call the police and ask THEM to do a welfare check ... what a ridiculous waste of a valuable resource.. all because you are too self absorbed to answer the bloody door !

pictish · 02/05/2020 08:09

I have only heard of people refusing to answer the door as a lifestyle on mumsnet. Those who claim this often seem to be rather proud of it too.
Um...yeah ok.
Confused

Hairydilemma · 02/05/2020 08:11

Not to minimise your worry, OP, but this thread has given me a much-needed laugh after a rubbish nights sleep:

(Except on MN where door answering is a niche activity reserved for the ridiculously cavalier amongst us)

Are you positive it wasn’t a fox knocking, or a skydiver?

PotholeParadise · 02/05/2020 08:15

those are really easy to get through. My husband often puts ours on forgetting that I’m out. I just slip it out and let myself in. They’re really not secure

But they're not supposed to act as a lock or to make the door impenetrable to a burglar who mysteriously has a door key and the leisure of time to unhook the chain...

In the circumstance you describe, I would find it a little fiddly but easy to unhook the chain on my own door. I would not find it easy to do with someone else's door with someone on the other side who was shutting the door in my face and on my hand and that is what they're for.

OP is scared to open the door in case it's someone who forces their way past her, and she doesn't have an upstairs window. Installing a chain on the front door is the only solution I can see.

slartibarti · 02/05/2020 08:16

If it was someone checking you're OK the next step could be a police welfare check.
If you don't answer the door or speak to the police they're likely to smash a window to get in.

byebyebeautiful · 02/05/2020 08:24

Maybe they dropped their mobile phone OP?!

SunshineCake · 02/05/2020 08:26

Maybe it was a good delivery person who actually wanted to give you your purchase...

EricaNernie · 02/05/2020 08:32

Perhaps it was a concerned neighbour?
or a lost person?
why werent your dogs on duty?

EricaNernie · 02/05/2020 08:35

Dodgy people dont tend to knock first op

Healthyandhappy · 02/05/2020 08:35

We move had someone bang on our door at 10pm and a car outside we have eighbours didnt answer door and still wondering what they wanted scary and safety first

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 02/05/2020 08:36

You sound paranoid and a little self focussed. Who would know about your window glass?
Someone knocking at the door is not a direct threat and the most obvious reason is usually the answer- need help/offer help.
I would wonder if rural life is good for you if your fear /negativity is so high.
However, if you just want to drop out the world then a series of signs from lane entrance onwards. Mailbox at least ¼ of a mile from your home, and lots of locks on gates etc

ChristmasFluff · 02/05/2020 08:37

the reason you are so anxious is because of not answering.

If you answer the door (or call through it), then you know what is going on. you realise that there is nothing to fear.

You don't have to open the door if you don't want to - but having the conversations through the door or out of an upstairs window will change everything.

StampMc · 02/05/2020 08:37

I'm not going to be opening my door to random people. Why would I do that?

This is the crux of the problem. A complete disconnect between people who think knocking on someone’s door is a great way of showing they want to communicate with the person inside and those who think any attempt to communicate with the person inside is a right fucking cheek at best and probably sinister/murderous and definitely RUDE.
The truth is knocking on doors is a pretty standard way of attracting the attention of the person inside and it rarely happens for no reason at all even if the reason seems stupid or intrusive to the knockee.
I would say close to 100% of my knockers benefit me either directly (friends, deliveries etc) or indirectly (lost cats etc - I benefit from a community where people will look out for each other even if I don’t massively care about their cat) and the few knockers that are chuggers or selling conservatories etc are just part of life. Not everything goes your way all of the time and you may occasionally have to shout “what do you want?” through an inch of hardwood. This is the cost of society.

Starduststatic · 02/05/2020 08:38

@Namechangex10000

anyway turns out she was from some security company coming to remove my partners electronic tag (despite him having moved out and was living elsewhere

How did they not know he had moved if he was tagged? Surely this means that they are absolutely terrible at their jobs Confused. That makes no sense.

OP, you aren't obliged to open your door to anyone, I would be hesitant to leave a note though, as it can be a sign that you are vulnerable and/or scared and this is very appealing to some chancers who want to take advantage. For your own sake I would have shouted out of the window to see who it was so you weren't left mulling it over, but just lock your doors and I'm sure you will be fine. A mile isn't that far from the nearest house really.

Bluntness100 · 02/05/2020 08:45

Op, have you some mental health issues? The normal reaction is to answer the door and see who it is and what the person wishes. Not to hide and be scared. That’s a very concerning reaction.

You can put a chain over the door or something if you’re worried because you live so remotely, so you can open it just a crack, but being able to answer the door is part of normal human interaction.

I know a couple of others have also said they are scared or freaked out when someone comes to their door, but honestly this doesn’t mean it’s normal healthy behaviour.

Is something else going on with you that would cause you to react like this?

gggrrrargh · 02/05/2020 08:46

There was only one time I didn’t answer the door - I wasn’t expecting anyone and we did have a spate of people selling at the door and it can be a little awkward. Later I saw my neighbour - ‘did you get your fireman visit? Weren’t they lovely!’ They were doing free home safety and fire alarm installation, which I also needed. Pff!

I work for a Local Authority, as others have said we are working through calling many, many people that might need help. A few questions like - can you access your medication, can you access food. If you need medication you are probably on that list. If we can’t get hold by telephone a team are going out to properties to make sure you are okay - that’s the only way someone in real need doesn’t get missed.