To ask you to share your favourite jokes?

[EdinaMonsoon]

I could use a good laugh right now, like many others I suspect. I’m useless at jokes. Please share your favourites with me

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver! Can't believe I've spent all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

A man is reading a newspaper and says to his wife , " Michelle , look ,here is an article that says women use twice as many words in a day as men . The wife responds " that's because we have to tell you everthing twice !!!

😂😂

@RandomAmanda I would share that joke with DH but, as @peony68 says...I’m going to have to explain it at least twice!

"How did WW2 start?"
"I think it was Vera Lynn's agent"

How do you entice a bear with cheese?

Cam on bear....

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No! You're a poo!

• how many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
• all of them: one to change the bulb and the rest to bitch about how it's really too high for her

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen

What do you call a woman standing in between two goalposts? Annette

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

A lot of complaints from the anti-genetic engineering lobby.

Floods were forecast, and Dave's neighbour offered him a lift. "No, the Lord will save me."
Water was rushing down the street, and the local farmer came by in a tractor. "No, the Lord will save me."
Water was lapping at the windows and Sally rowed past in a dinghy. "No, the Lord will save me."
Dave climbed on to the roof and Ted turned up in his motorboat. "No, the Lord will save me."
Dave was clinging to the chimney when the police helicopter arrived. "No, the Lord will save me."

Obviously Dave drowns.

Dave turns up before the Lord and says "I don't understand. I really thought you'd told me you would save me from the floods."
The Lord replies "well I sent a car a tractor two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

A man walks into the dentist's and says "I keep thinking I'm a moth."

The dentist says "You need a psychiatrist, not a dentist".

"I know, but your light was on."

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? - Doug
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? - Douglas

That's one of my favourites too, merryhouse.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? - no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? - still no idea

and the bit you don't tell the six-year-olds

what do you call a mating deer with no eyes and no legs? - still no fucking idea

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

[The old ones are the best!]

I’m loving all of these 😂

I went to the butchers the other day. The man behind the counter said 'I bet you £100 that you can't reach that filet mignon up there on the top shelf. I said 'I'm sorry, the stakes are too high'.

Read out RandomAmanda's joke to my husband. His reply was 'Sorry, what'? So I repeated it.

Then I read the next post! 😂😂😂😂

Man walks into a butcher's a d says 'have you got a sheep's head?' Butcher says 'no, it's just the way I part my hair.'

How many software engineers to change a lightbulb?

none, it is a hardware problem.

I literally never hear jokes anymore. I wonder if they've gone out of fashion for some reason? My dad used to phone me up at least once a week to tell me jokes he'd heard.

-How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of it's own revolution.

• I used to have a job digging holes for water but I quit because it was well boring.

• Sometimes, I have an urge to put my knees to my chest and tip forward. But that's just how I roll.