To ask you to share your favourite jokes?

[EdinaMonsoon]

I could use a good laugh right now, like many others I suspect. I’m useless at jokes. Please share your favourites with me

Hedgehogs - why can’t they just share the hedge?

@belinda yes please

I might be really dense... Can someone explain the Noddy one, I don't get it?

There's ten cows in a field, which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf

@VirginWestCoast I don’t think there’s anything to “get”. I thought the same, then said it to dh and we both just fell about laughing (it’s the unexpectedness of the answer I think).

@ Iamblossom (and any other interested parties)
An old man lying in a side bay in hospital saw a young nurse passing by in the corridor outside and urgently called her in. In a voice hoarse with distress he said “Are my testicles black?” She replied that she was busy on an errand and could not spare the time to attend to him. Again he pleaded “Are my testicles black???”. She replied “I shouldn’t really, I’m ever so busy but if you are that desperate.......”. She pulled back the bed clothes and had a good look. “No, they look OK to me” she replied”. Angrily, the old man reached out and pulled her close and said “No, you’re not LISTENING – I said “Are my test results back!!”.

@belinda

Yes @carol, that is it exactly. It's not even a joke. I just heard it and it took me surprise and just love that kind of humour.

I mean who wears a bell on their hat anyway? Cunts do that's who.

@lamb well it certainly made us laugh.

Ah thank you.
Bell or no bell, I still agree with the sentiment.

Didn't make me laugh. I don't like stupid jokes I like clever ones :)

It's a long one........

Bloke goes into a pub (pre lockdown obviously), goes up to the bar and says to the landlord, pint of lager please. Whilst waiting for the lager he helps himself to peanuts from a bowl on the bar, on taking a handful he hears a voice saying "I like your shirt". He thinks this odd but takes his drink and goes to the fruit machine, puts his drink on top, puts a pound in and hears another voice, this time saying "you look like a fool".

He goes back the the landlord and says, I come in here, buy a pint and I hear a voice from the peanuts saying my shirt is nice, then the fruit machine calls me a fool, just what is going on?

The landlord says well sir, the reason is that the peanuts are complimentary and the fruit machine is out of order!

💥 💥

Two peanuts were walking along the road. One was assaulted.

@Horehound Viva la difference! 😁

A bloke walks into a pub, points to the left of the pub and says "all you lot are wankers", points to the right of the pub and says "and all you lot are cunts" and walks out. Everyone looks a bit bemused.

The next night he does the same thing. And the night after that. On the 4th night he walks in again and says the same thing. One bloke has had enough, so he stand up and says "look 'ere mate, I'm no wanker" and the guy says "well get over there with the cunts then".

@Horehound then I refer you to my joke upthread

What floats on water and goes quick?

A South African Duck

IamBlossom DS and I are creased

The back story makes it even funnier

I hope this one doesn’t offend

What’s worse than a Girl Guide in your pocket?

A Brownie in your pants

@Horehound does mine fit your requirements?

@Iamblossom love it!! 😂 😂

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it

Ethel and Flo go to the local market and there’s a bloke selling cheap toilet brushes. They buy one each. The next week they meet up and Ethel says to Flo “How are you getting on with the toilet brush?” and Flo replies “Well I’m persevering but my husband’s gone back to paper”.

I’ve just wheezed laughing for about 5 minutes at the Noddy joke 😂

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

“Halloumi!”

It’s cheesy, but makes me laugh