To ask you to share your favourite jokes?

[EdinaMonsoon]

I could use a good laugh right now, like many others I suspect. I’m useless at jokes. Please share your favourites with me

Two old ladies looking in a shop window. One says "That's the one I'd get" and Cyclops comes out and beats her up.

Last month I was supposed to be delivering a crate of monkeys to be zoo but my car broke down on the motorway. I flagged down a man driving a flatbed truck and asked him how much it would cost for him to take them to the zoo for me. He said £100 so I gave him the money and waited for the AA while he drove off. An hour later, I see him driving in the opposite direction, still with the crate of monkeys. I flag him down again and ask him what the hell he's doing, I paid him to take the monkeys to the zoo for me.
"Oh yes," he says "I took them and we had a grand time. But we've twenty quid left over so I'm now taking them to the cinema!"

HeIsAVeryBadBoy that sounds lovely 😊 I miss my dad calling me up just to say he was from Battersea Dogs Home...

What’s the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway!

A bear and a rabbit are crapping in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit “Does it bother you when the shit sticks to your fur?”
The rabbit says “No,you get used to it”
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it!

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put in the microwave until its bill withers.

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.Number Four. The woman sitting next to meis blonde and a professional weightlifter.Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.She concludes by asking, "Now thinkabout it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fucking times."

Why can't Napolean go out in the wind?

Because he would be blown apart

Who's the patron Saint of checking to see if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven?

• Saint John the Bap-test!

What do you call a chicken that can count it's own eggs?

• A Math-me-chicken!

There was a documentary on brewing tea on last night... it was rated PG (groan!)

My Aunt says that 40 is the new 30. Lovely woman - banned from driving, but lovely all the same!

My favourite one from when I was about 7 cos it sounded a bit rude, but I wasn't sure why...

What's pink and wrinkled and belongs to Grandpa?

• Grandma!

I never remember the really funny ones so have these instead

•Why was the cross eyed teacher fired?
•He couldn't control his pupils.

And this one from a Christmas cracker.

•What is a frogs favourite drink?
•Croak a cola

Well it made me laugh at the time, could have been 'cause I was half cut on sherry though.

I went to a zoo.
There were no animals apart from one dog.
It was a shih tzu.

Mummy potato is talking to her three little potatoes about what they want to do when they grow up.
The first one says ‘I want to marry King Edward’,
The second one says ‘I want to marry one of the jersey royals’.
Mummy potato is delighted.
The third one says ‘I want to marry Des Lynam’.
Mummy potato is horrified, she says ‘you can’t marry him. He’s a commentator!’

What do you call a Spanish man leaving a hospital?

Manuel

What did the scarf say to the hat?

You go on ahead and I'll hang around here.

Bernard Matthews was struggling. No one was buying Turkey anymore. So he decided to turn to desperate measures. He visited the Pope and said to his holiness,
"Business is hard for us, but I've got a solution. If I donate £1 million to your church would you change the Lord's prayer to 'give us this day our daily turkey?'"
The pope laughed and said, "Don't be ridiculous, I can't do that!"
Bernard Matthews thought for a minute and said, "Ok, how about £10 million."
The pope considered this proposal carefully. He could do a lot for the poor with £10 million. Eventually he agreed to the proposal to change the Lord's prayer and Bernard Matthews went away happy.
The pope returned to his cardinals to make the announcement: "Good news everyone. I've secured £10 million for the church. Unfortunately this means we've lost the deal with Hovis."

What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

What do you call a man with an even smaller penis?

Tintin

@BetsyBigNose the way I remember it is:

What’s pink and wrinkled and hangs out grandads trousers?

Grandma.

Which is a bit rude.

@AliceTeale - I suspect that’s why I wasn’t told that version!

What's E.T. short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

What biscuit flies?

Plain biscuits!
My kids love this one.

I can't stand Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

My favourite joke is extremely rude and i would lower the tone of this thread.

I just wish i had considered this before i told it at a school parents coffee morning. I was very very nervous and it was the only one i could remember .

I was never asked back.

@Iamblossom you're my sort of friend.
My bil has accused me of degrading the family name for using an f word on Facebook!

@coffeecak3 your BIL is a tool. I also have a tool for a BIL. I suspect we would indeed be friends.