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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to share your favourite jokes?

126 replies

EdinaMonsoon · 01/05/2020 12:54

I could use a good laugh right now, like many others I suspect. I’m useless at jokes. Please share your favourites with me GrinFlowers

OP posts:
Carolduckingbaskin · 02/05/2020 20:23

Oh and another one I love

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

DasPepe · 02/05/2020 20:24

How to get a bear to come out of a cave?

You yell “ Camembear!”

Shinelikeastar1 · 02/05/2020 20:30

The plane is going down. As it hurtles towards the ground a beautiful
lady jumps up and shouts “ I want a man to make me feel like a real woman before I die”. The man beside her takes off his shirt, throws it at her and says, “here, fecking iron that”!

FuzzyPuffling · 02/05/2020 20:46

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today but I couldn't find any.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 02/05/2020 21:01

*Why was 6 scared?

Because 789*

Why did 7 eat 9?

Because he heard you should have 3 square meals.

Snooks1971 · 02/05/2020 21:31

Brilliant thread! Wish I could remember jokes, I just don’t!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/05/2020 21:37

My grandad fell foul of the law during the war because of his love for fun family dice-based games.
He was arrested for being a Yahtzee sympathiser.

"To be is to do" - Socrates
"I think, therefore I am" - Descartes
"I'll be, therefore you" - The Rembrandts

It's a little-known historical fact that, for a very brief period, Henry the Seventh and Henry the Eighth made a pact and ruled together. They were officially known as Henry the Fifteen Fifty-Sixths.

I went to Bmqrshbm last week. It used to be called Amersham, but it's had its A&E replaced by a B&Q.

Not many people realise, but the 'D' in Dunstable is load-bearing. Don't believe me? Try removing it and see what you're left with....

Iamblossom · 02/05/2020 22:28

@hesgotit @bigfatsoo ahh, my people 😂😂

bigdecisionstomake · 02/05/2020 22:31

Why don't elephants like penguins?

Because they can't get the wrappers off!

Boom boom!

Geekster1963 · 02/05/2020 22:33

Is diarrhoea inherited? Yes because it runs in your genes/jeans.

flummoxedlummox · 02/05/2020 22:57

How many pedants does it take to change a light bulb?

Actually, replace is the correct word.

faw2009 · 02/05/2020 23:11

Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

Notreallyhavingitall · 03/05/2020 00:07

I keep singing an Oasis song and my husband asked me to stop.
I said maybe.

crispysausagerolls · 03/05/2020 16:03

No more jokes?!

ElectricTonight · 03/05/2020 17:45

How did the chewing gum cross the road?

It got stuck to the chickens foot!

Cameron2012 · 03/05/2020 17:48

What’s purple and lies at the bottom of the sea?
Moby Plum.

Cameron2012 · 03/05/2020 17:51

What’s 50 feet long and has eight teeth?,
The queue at Wetherspoons.

Borris · 03/05/2020 18:01

What's brown and sat on a piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement

Shannith · 03/05/2020 18:25

.

jcyclops · 03/05/2020 20:07

An irishman walked out of a bar.

MilkLady02 · 03/05/2020 20:19

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

VeryQuaintIrene · 03/05/2020 21:11

Woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So he gives her one.

Piglet89 · 03/05/2020 21:22

@jcyclops would this be, for example, the same Irishman who’s led his country through COVID-19 much more successfully than the muppet at the helm in London?

Nice bit of casual anti-Irishness there.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/05/2020 15:21

I went for an interview for a job as a chartered accountant and they asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I was devastated: I'd spent six whole weeks practising Bohemian Rhapsody.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/05/2020 12:58

I would have liked to treat myself to a brace of venison from the butcher the other day, but I wasn't able to.
It was just too dear.

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